live my life without {andorra:hope}

HOPE

what do you know this house is falling apart
what can i say this house is falling apart
we got no money but we got heart
we're gonna rattle this ghost town

"Was there something she saw in Andorra, or was this more personal? We pundits can only begin to speculate as to what goes on in the heads of our twenty-four tributes."

The faces of previous tributes are framed in gold. Boys to my left, girls to my right. Pandora smirks at me, but it's one that I don't return. I'm done grieving. I see other faces, most of which are three, maybe four years older than I am. I can name most of them straight off, but others I need to dig deep to remember. Like everyone else, I watch the Games because the Capitol forced me to, but Father and Pan' liked to view extended highlights and analysis. They were sick minded like that, but I suppose it helped Pandora to go as far as did in the 61st Arena. The only experience or knowledge I have are Pan's Games, which I watched religiously. My chances of getting as far as he did are unbearably slim.

I don't regret this. That girl, Andorra, looked so fragile and small. It may be a ludicrous thing to be thinking considering I'm small for my age too, but she seems so tiny and helpless. She's got so much to live for - A large family who care for her. A future. What do I have? A brother who spends his days sat in grief, and a half-brother who goes around gambling away what little compensation we receive from other people. I have nothing here. At least I'm giving someone a future - Some hope. I was supposed to bring hope to the Woodards family, hence why I was so aptly named, but all I've brought is unwanted optimism. Nothing I do or say can change how Rubik thinks any more. I've had to act rashly to get him to change his ways. I just hope it's worth it.

"-Are you even listening to me?!" Hitch's face is one of sheer disbelief. I don't return an expression. He tries to revive me from my thoughts by putting a hand on my shoulder and giving it a gentle shake. I look him in the eyes now - Those blue eyes that are so similar to Pandora's. All I can think at this moment is how much Hitchcock Woodards resembles my dead brother much more than Rubik does now. Hitch has two minutes to talk to me before he never sees me again and he's giving me a stern telling off. He could rant at me for hours and I still wouldn't regret what I've done. Even if I did there's nothing I can do about it now. What's done is done. It's been concrete ever since I muttered I volunteer.

"I've spoken to him at length - He's not coming to see you..." He repeats, but this time I act like I've heard him. If Rubik's going to be such a sore loser about this all then I can do without him, really. It's my decision, not his. If he were to come here and tell me that I'm selfish and stupid, I'd only get angry and frustrated. What I need right now is support, instead Rubik has probably ran off to see his deranged girlfriend Senalia Livery. That's his choice, and if I never see him again, maybe that's for the best. Maybe it'll make him rethink his life and do something productive.

"Good." I mutter, trying to avoid his gaze. I'm not having Hitch, of all people, take me on a guilt trip. I've got nothing to live for, so giving my life so that a little girl can live and so that Rubik can rethink his life is anything but selfish. I shut my eyes and pout, wanting Hitch to just go away. Instead he shakes my shoulder again, more firmly this time.
"What is wrong on with you? Why are you acting like this?" His face is still painted white with shock, but it's unlike Hitch to care. I open my eyes, frowning at him. It's as if he's come here in place of Rubik, to give me the lecture I don't want to hear. I'm doing something selfless to save the life of someone else, and people are questioning me and calling me selfish. Me. How dare Hitch Woodards call me selfish when he takes our money - The money that people give us out of pity - And spends it on alcohol, women and Ripred knows what else.

"Get out of my sight, you filthy Bastard..." I scowl. His eyebrows drop down and his mouth tightens into a snarl. It seems I've provoked a reaction in the scumbag. I'm glad he's only my half-brother, because if I shared any more blood with him than I already do I would see myself as a disgrace. He shames the Woodards name. He removes his hand from my shoulder and points angrily at me.
"Now, you listen carefully t-"
"No. We're done here." I cut him short and signal to the Peacekeeper, who intervenes.

He tries to fight back, but after shoving the Peacekeeper off him he makes his own way to the door, clearly infuriated.
"I hope you find whatever peace it is you're looking for." He says to me, before he vanishes from my life.

I spend the next few minutes grinning to myself. Hitchcock is an idiot, and Rubik a lost cause. They're angry and upset now, but once I've made my point and they let it sink in, they'll thank me for this. They really will. I'll have opened their eyes to look at the bigger picture. I find a chair to sit on and cross my legs, waiting for any other visitors to come and see me. Maybe a classmate or two will come to say goodbye - They may not be immediate family but seeing as my brother isn't going come and say goodbye, there might be time for other guests.

But my smile fades, and fear finds me. I begin to shake. Being on my own is making me realize that I've given myself a death sentence. It might have been the right thing to do but it's still a terrifying thought. The ultimate sacrifice. I start to cry a little, but I rub the tears away with my sleeve, trying to be brave. Pandora was brave. I remember being in this very room four years ago, crying into Pan's arms. What was it I said? I don't think I said anything. He talked to me for a bit but all I did was cry. I'm stronger now. He made me stronger.
"Listen to what Rubik tells you - he only wants what's best for you..."
Only Rubik never told me anything after Pan' died. He shut down. He quit on me.

I wish Rubik had stayed strong. I wish none of this had to be. If Pandora wasn't reaped we'd still be a normal family. Rubik wouldn't be an isolated, melancholic mess. Hitchcock wouldn't be in our lives, taking our money and sponging off of us. Father probably would still be alive, Ripred knows he would if Pan' were still around. Pandora would be busy being Pandora... And I-... I wouldn't be in the justice building counting all the little things that went wrong in my life, desperately trying to make a few rights. One action can destroy an entire family, but me volunteering is the end of this sad story, not the beginning.

"Andorra Konstantine, and her family..." The Peacekeeper opens the door to tell me. I compose myself and force a smile. Finally, someone who will appreciate what I've done. That, at least, could make all of this worth the ordeal. Perhaps they will thank me, call me a heroine. I'd like that. I'd like some appreciation for the sacrifice I've made. It seems to me that doing the right thing has caused more trouble than I've tried to prevent. That, and that alone, is the only doubt playing in the back of my mind.

live my life without coming up for air
now it's all wash i want everyone
racing down the hill i am faster than you
wait for summertime wait for summertime
oh anna sun

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