not looking up(closed)

Emma Jenning-
It seems what I say doesn't make him feel any better. In fact, it just seems to make him feel worse. Then he says that items in the arena are expensive.

"It doesn't matter. If even one Capitolite sponsors us, we can get almost anything. They're rich after all."

I know it sounds like a long shot, but it's possible.

Emma Jenning-
I sigh as Anthony reminds me of the targets that we've painted on our heads. He just doesn't get it.

"Anthony, the threat doesn't matter. I've known I'm going to die. Very little I can do. But I'll make a show. If I have a chance in the end, then I'll try to win. But that just isn't going to happen. That's why it doesn't matter if we have loads of sponsor money. We just need to worry about surviving as long as possible alone. The outside world can't help us anymore."

And everything I'm saying is true. I may not accept my own death, but I know it'll happen. Sooner or later, it'll happen. Game over. The thing is, the game is what matters. Not the aftermath. I realize as I think this the carpet still doesn't look like blood. Have I finally accepted killing and being killed? I nearly break down then and there. Then I see a familiar face at the food station cleaning up. An Avox. I barely mouth the word when I feel tears coming to my eyes. Brother. Then he walks back into the kitchen, and I'm alone with Anthony again. I wipe the tears away and focus on Anthony. If he gives up, I'll have no chance of giving the crowd what they want. What I'm slowly realizing I want to give. Spectacular deaths. Both mine, and others. I close my eyes and count to three slowly, then open them again. I will not become a guinea pig of the Capitol.

Emma Jenning-
Anthony doesn't quiet get it. He's just missing the last piece of the puzzle. I'm not giving up. I won't give in. That's when I realize every minute or two my stance on the situation changes. One second I don't care if I live, the other I can't stand to even think about dying. I cradle my head in my hands and finally start breaking down.

"We won't die. That's not an option. We're together. We have a chance. Never forget the one in twenty-four."

I start chanting under my breath. I'm losing it. Now I don't think so, I know so. Only one more thing to use. And I can't use that. It'll be against everything I've grown learning. I almost start hitting my head against the table in frustration. I need to stay in control. My mother needs me. Anthony wants to help me get control again. I won't give in. I slowly let go of my head and let my hands go limp.

"I will fight. Don't worry." I manage to say limply.

I can't break down now. Not here, where anyone can see. I have to get control again. I start thinking of everything I'll miss to get control. I'll miss becoming an adult. I'll miss becoming.. a diplomat. I gag and start panting. Finally I get control.

"I can't die. Life is to worth living. But I don't want to become a monster."

Emma Jenning-
I hear Anthony's response, and all I can do is smile.

"Thanks Anthony. Although you don't have to worry about any of the things you listed happening to me."

I know I should say more. Say sorry about having been so stupid. But I'm not the kind of person who apologizes. I've kept some of my old self. The characteristic District 10 strategy before action, and my own haughtiness.