All I have, All I Lose [Haff Day 2 vs 2 Pyrates]

Useless

The word floated over the sand, it crossed the spot where the boy stood before settling around him and holding him. It wrapped itself around him. That was what he was. Haff Ferde was useless. A sense of defeat crept into each of his movements. There was no sign of the boy who had smiled not so long ago - no sign of the boy who had cared for the sickest of horses, never giving up on them. That boy was gone. He had been defeated.

All Haff felt was pain, but it was not pain from the injuries. It was not the pain of physical weakness. It was all inside. It burned like fire consuming all he was from the outside, boring within. He hurt so much. The dark pain swirled within his chest, it crashed through him, dragging it down through to the very depth of who he was and strangling him until he gave in. Until he gave up. Everyone wanted him dead. The mutt he had stabbed at had fallen back, and Haff allowed himself to sink to the floor. His feet slipped slowly into the soft, golden sand.

His hand raced over the small crystal like objects that hid so many terrors. The trident that hung from his grip was weak, and he let it fall to the floor as he turned his eyes to the two crabs in front of him. They were monsters, strong and well built. Large pincers protruded from their sides, and small claw-like legs stuck out from the edge of their hard rimmed shells. Their hard shells glittered in the soft light of the sun. His shining orb. But it was not the same bright light that he had wished on all his life. No, it was not the very sun that he had watched rise every morning, of his life. It was not the same one as he had placed his hope in. This sun was fake.Still he turned his eyes away from his prison to look up at it.

It glared back at him, it cared nothing for him just like them all. The people he called his family were at home probably watching this, watching Haff die, he was dying and he was so scared. The pain in his chest tightened. He was lost. He was stuck. He had nothing and no one and least of all he had no reason to fight. He had given up, he had thrown away the false hope he had clung to. With shaky hands he chucked the trident onto the ground beside him. He watched as the sand wrapped itself around the shiny metal, and is eyes followed it. Without his trident he had no life line, without that weapon he would die. He would let death come.

Back home Haff would normally wake up. He would then watch the sunrise and every day he would hope that the illness that held onto him would leave. He would throw everything he had into that wish, so that for once he could be normal, and the people that call themselves his family would see him as a person. But it never happened. And day after day that hope faded and he was left to work. He cleaned each and every single horse, their stalls and everything. He did everything for his family, he protected them and helped them in every way that he could. He cared for the sick, he made sure they were all perfect. He knew those animals better than anyone.

Yet he found himself forgetting them, letting them slide from his mind as he slide further into the warm sand. All he could feel was a deep burning agony in his body. A tear slid down his cheek, and soon others followed. Haff hadn’t let himself think of anything, but the boy felt so deeply betrayed. Everyone in his life had always left him, abandoned him at the times he needed them most. His parents had ignored him; his siblings had pretended he never existed. Chole had gotten herself killed. And finally… Nonnie. To be honest out of everyone, she had hurt him the most. He had known the girl for so little, but he had trusted her. Haff didn’t place trust in many, but he had given her everything.

She had left him. Where was she now while Haff bleed to death? Where was she when her ally, one of the only people who had understood her and knew what she was going through, now? Now all Haff had was pain and memories of everyone in his life, but those memories were all stained with bad, there was no good in them, there was nothing kind about the people who had raised him, or in this hell hole that he know died in. He had let himself trust Chole and Nonnie, he had truly felt something for those two, and he had felt as if they had understood him. Nonnie was the reason why Haff was all alone. Nonnie was the reason why he had given up. She had been the final straw, her hurt had been what had pushed him over, Haff would never trust anyone else. He would never have the opportunity to.

Until the games Haff had never placed trust in a human being. Trust wasn’t something that Haff gave. People were cruel. They treated you like a friend, and then when you were at you weakest they ripped you apart. They didn’t care. They did it all to save their own skin. And for a little while with Nonnie Haff had believed that he wasn’t useless, with Chole he had believed he was strong and with Lethe he had even thought that he was no longer sick. He had believed that he was strong, and that he could fight, because he had had people beside him who wanted to fight with them. In the training centre they had become his friends, the only people in his life that he had ever cared for. Then they disappeared and left him all alone.

A sob escaped his lips as he placed his hands on the sand. Everything was shaking. And slowly Haff let the pain in him swallow him and he leans back against the tree and cries. He looks over at the mutts. His shoulders were slumped in defeat. This was a defeated boy. His hand fumbled on the bracelet at his wrist, and he tugged it off. It was made from one of his horses at home. Gently he reached forward and puts it in front of the mutt. He didn’t want it. It was fall of the tainted hope he so desperately tried to rid himself of. He didn’t want it because it reminded him of everything that caused him pain. He didn’t want to have hope. Then the other mutt leapt at him, and Haff had no time to react. And suddenly there was a great pain in his head.

A pain filled scream escaped his lips, and his hand moved sharply to his head. And he screamed again, as another stab of pain raceed through his body, overpowering his agony, overpowering the betrayal. The boy had never felt such pain, and it ripped into him, it raced through him, and made the tears flow. It hurt. It hurt so much. He had never felt such pain. He never thought he would deserve such pain, but it was there and it was so very real. His hand shook as he moved gently away from his ear. His other arm slipped and he tumbled into the sand, and he let it wrap itself around him and swallow him. Because there was so much blood, shiny and slick on his hand. And the pain, oh the pain.

He squeezed his eyes shut tight, as the tears fell, he desperately tried to fight down the pain, but it was ripping into him, and he screamed again and again, because there was nothing worse than what he felt. His head throbbed, and the blood raceed down his face, and fell to the floor in a giant puddle, it fell quicker than he had. His hand fumbled over his ear, trying to stop the blood, but he lets out another scream as his finger grazed over the wound. Bloody finger come back, and he closed his eyes tight. And Haff cries. Because he had no hope. And without hope you may as well be dead.

His feet slipped on the sand as he pushed himself up and away from the soft sand. His body shaked with fear, he was scared. He was all alone and scared. Haff had never been in such a situation. He had spent many days in the barn by himself, but he had always had the presence of the horses, but here he was all alone. There was no one, but himself, and Haff couldn’t look after himself. He never had. He was a boy of dreams and hope, a boy who stood and watched the sun rising each and every morning. He couldn’t care for himself or protect himself, he knew nothing. He had always had the horses to protect him. Fear was so real right now, and it gazed down at him, and it fills him quicker than the pain, because surely this much blood is not good, because surely there can be something else then the darkness that creped along his vision.

He staggered away from the crabs his feet slipping and sliding along the sand. He left the trident behind, enfolded in the grasp of the sand. He left behind the bracelet. Without the bracelet the least bit of hope in his body was gone, and everything seemed to crash down on him. He was useless. He was nothing. Haff couldn’t even stop a little crab. Haff could do nothing. Maybe Nonnie had the right idea, ditching him. Maybe he would have weighed her down, because this boy was a nobody and nothing. He couldn’t help anyone let alone himself. Each step caused new tears to spill; each step caused a gasp of pain to escape his lips. The world spun around the boy, in little circles as well as big. They never stopped. Neither did the pain.

He didn’t know where he was going he just had to get away, he just had to run away from that place, from the weapon and the bracelet, because without those two things he had nothing to hold onto and he could be free. But he had the pain, he tried to fight it, he tried to push it away, but it grabbed him, it seized his body, and he cried out and fell to the ground. His knees landed hard on the sand, but it was nothing compared to the raging pain in his skull. His breathing came out ragged, as it strangled him.

You’re useless…

He believed it, he truly believed the words that continued to drift through the air. There was only fear in his mind, there was nothing else, he tried to fight it and be strong just as the horses that he lives with were. Whenever they were scared they were brave, they fought and were strong, they never gave in. They were not Haff. They were better than him. To his family they weren’t useless, they had a worth, without the horses his family would be poor, without Haff they would live. They didn’t need him. Haff knew it. But Haff was not a boy to simply give up – if he was a boy who gave up, why would he be here now? Would he have not gotten himself killed in the bloodbath? Or maybe in the fight that killed Chole? He just didn’t let his life slip through his fingers, it was him, he might be a nobody, he might be nothing, but he was strong. He might believe that he was useless, but he wouldn’t let the rest of the world see it. Haff was like the horses when they were scared they never showed their fear. Haff knew he was useless, but he wouldn’t show them all. He couldn’t. It was his last act in life. He wanted them to all see, that he wasn’t pathetic, that he was worth it. That he had stood a chance.

Most of all Haff wanted to tell them all how life had been for him, how the only things that had kept him strong were the horses. He wanted the rest of the world to see what he saw, feel how he did.He needed them to understand. He couldn’t go and be forgotten, just like his life. Haff was special and he had to tell them all. “I-I live…” The words slipped over his tongue. He wasn’t sure if he had actually said the same words he had formed in his head. He frowned slightly taking a deep breath. He was trying to concentrate; he wanted them to all hear this. They needed to know who he was, he had never told anyone, he had never spoken as much as he was about to, he didn’t even know if he could talk that much, but he had to try. He was not useless

”On a very big land, but not as big as this place, no this place beats it in size.” He looked around the place the tall trees, flowing leaves and golden sand. Yes this place was bigger, so very much bigger. “But it’s not home…” He whispers as he leaned against the trunk of a curved tree, it was alien to him, just as the rest of this world. None of it was home; none of it was familiar and comforting. It was what made death much scarier, he had nothing and no one in this world except for himself. He knew the world around him was slowly, fading from his grasp reality and his dreams were blending together, but he wasn’t ready, not yet at least. He couldn’t let it take him, no. Death could not yet hold him. Haff had so much to say.

”My names Haff Ferde. My parents named me after the breed of horse called the Haflinger, they are beautiful chestnut horses. They are perhaps one of the kindest natured horses you could ever meet… I-I would… Would often wonder why my parents named me after such an elegant breed, but it isn’t the breed that makes a horse. It is the person who raises it and trains it.” His voice was steady and strong, unusual for the reserved boy. He looked high into the sky searching for anyone, any sign of the people who would be watching him. They all remained hidden. “That’s what I do. I make the horses who they are. Those horses that I have spent my life with have made me who I am. When I was lost… When I had no one, I had them… They protected me, they kept me going and keeping me strong. Without them I would already be dead.”

”But none of you know… None of you know the truth of what those horses really did. They weren’t just my life line… They kept the hope in me alive; they gave me a reason to live… They were everything I had; they made my life worth living. They made every day bearable… They never asked for anything, they did it because I helped them, they were all I had and now they are gone…”Haff wanted to be able to face this fear that gripped him, the death that crept along his body and stopped him from moving. He took a deep breath that caused him to cry out in pain, has a searing stab of agony raced through his body. He didn’t want to be scared. Shakily he moves his hand to his ear, it comes back slick with blood. There was just too much blood to even hope for him to live. Haff let out a heavy sigh.

She was there. Her soft hairs glowed gently in the light. She was a pale grey beautiful, the most beautiful horse Haff had ever seen. It was Haff’s horse, Anima. A long time ago Haff had saved Anima, she had fallen deathly ill and his father had wanted to put her down, kill her with a gun, ending her life. Haff was not one to let a horse die. So he stayed up for two weeks day and night with the young mare, feeding her, caring for her and brining her slowly back to health. From the day she had begun to walk again on shaky legs Haff had never let her go. She was the most precious thing he had. To him Anima was his family, she was his sister. Anima was the reason Haff had fought, Anima was the reason he had continued to fight every day of his life. He wished with all his heart she was here with him, but he wanted to see her safe and sound, not in this cage where she would only find fear and pain. A place where not even your worst nightmares can compare to the horror. No she could not be here.

”Anima?” He called softly turning his head left and right, the grey mare danced in and out of his vision healthier then the day he had found her, healthier than he had ever seen her. He smiled, he had kept her alive, she had in turn kept him alive. “You here to take me home, girl?” He asked looking at her as she stops in front of him. She whinnied softly as if in answer to his question brushing her muzzle against his face. “I think it’s time I went home…” His eyes dance over the trees, the golden sand and the blazing blue sky above him, this had not been his home, it had been nothing, but a prison. “Home is the place where you are most happiest.” He said softly, he closed his eyes tight and let the world around him float away.

His hands fumbled over Anima’s mane has he tugged himself onto her back. This was the place where he was the most happiest, with his horses, this was his home, it always had been. Anima walked forwards, heading away from the boy who sat slumped against the tree. Away from the boy who let out a final sigh. She walked with the by on her back and she carried him to the place where he was happiest. A world where all he would have would be help, a place where he could be himself and a place where Haff Ferde was not useless. He was going home, the place he had searched for all his life, he had finally found it in death.

The canon fired into the air and both the grey mare and the boy with the heart of gold disappeared.

(OOC: I would love to say a big thank-you to Clover <333 omr gurl thanks for so much help with Haff, and Meg witout you I would never have made such an amazing boy, thank-you both of you <333 Thank-you Lulu and Aya for creating such an amazing place, honeslty this is my second home <3 Thanks Rosetta for being an amazing mentor and letting Haff ind who he really was, thanks Semper, Brik and Python for being there for me this whole time <3 Finally thank-you to everyone for all your support and help I love you all <3 May Haff R.I.P with Anima ^^ I had so much fun writing him <3)