{Stop & Stare* [Curtis vs Naveen - Day 7]

"Oh I'm sorry. I was aiming for your mouth. You've uh, got a little something stuck to your lips."

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It's so hard to sit still when your are so excited. Daddy keeps telling me I need to settle down just a bit and keep a close eye on Kal but my concentration is elsewhere. I can see him already - chubby fingers, bald head except for the patches of soft hair on the top, a big smile with no teeth, and and eyes as green as the grass outside - just like mine. The older kids at school told me I wouldn't get to hold him because I'd probably drop him. But mom says I even got to hold Kal even though I don't remember. I hate myself for not remembering. I've tried so hard to engrave in my mind Kal's first steps and his first birthday cake but mommy and daddy say eventually I will forget. When my mind gets old and brain can't hold anymore information. They say that my brain will throw the stuff out from long ago that was never really a big deal to make room for new thing. More important things. But I will remember this. I will make sure I never forget the feeling of a tiny hand curling around my finger. I will never forget the way his toes curl when I stroke his feet. I will never forget this day for as long as live because it is the most important memory any big sister can have.

Sweat trickles down the back of my neck and my hair sticks up in every which way, sticky with sweat. Summer always makes these places hotter than they should be and every nurse that has walked past me has been sweating bullets and wiping and walking by the admissions desk just so they could wave a piece of paper at themselves for a moment before they have to go back to work. I sit in the waiting room in a chair where I can't even touch my feet to the ground. I kick my legs back and forth while I wait, trying to get create some kind of air flow for myself. But nothing is helping. The air in here is nothing but hot and sticky. I hear the beeps of machinery and occasionally the click of a nurses shoes through the halls but no one has come for me and Kal yet. Daddy said he was going to go check, but that seemed like ages ago. So instead of bothering the nurse behind the lobby desk and asking what time it is every two minutes, I have resolved to counting the number of nurses that I notice walk past me. I have counted as high as I can when one of them sits down next to me. "Sweetie, aren't you hot sitting in here?" I nod at her. "Yeah. But I can't leave. I'm waiting to hold my new baby brother." I see her smile at me out of the corner of my eyes as I stare into my lap and I bite my lip as I try to suppress more words from coming out of my mouth. Daddy says it's not polite to bother people older than you with micro-details. "Oh! So you get to be the big sister of the house now?" I nod again. "I do have a little brother already, but I don't remember getting to see him in the hospital. I wanna make sure I remember this time." She is still smiling at me so I start to talk again because despite what daddy says she seems interested in what me and my five years has to say. "His name is Kalyan. He is only 3 right now, but his birthday is just a few months. Like mine. I'm gunna be six really soon. Then I will be a grown-up like the kids at school." Then I hear Kal screeching and raise my head to watch him come dashing around a corner, a popsicle clutched in his hand. "Look, Navy! Look what I got!"

I jump down from where I sit and run over to him as he shoves the end of the popsicle in his mouth. I feel anger rising within me but try hard to suppress it because I know the nurse is still watching. Unfortunately, I can feel a bit of my frustration leech into my voice. "Where did you get that?" He points to an unknown place around the corner and I feel my face scrunch into a frown. But I at least force my hands to stay at my sides instead of folding them across my chest. Mommy says pouting isn't what big girls do. So I force the frown to fall from my face and my fists to unravel at my sides and I sigh. My brows only furrow again when Kal sticks his tongue out at me. Sometimes I really hate him. I walks away and climbs into a waiting room chair to finish his treat. But I'm too upset to even go sit by him so instead I just stand and wait in the door frame, wishing I had a popsicle like Kal. I hear the nurses shoes tapping their way over to me and avert my eyes to the ground. Trying to look preoccupied with something so she doesn't think I'm angry. But instead of talking she just holds out her hand to me, and without even hesitating I find myself taking it. She leads me around the corner and we enter a room with couches and recliners and ash trays filled to the brim and best of all, an electric fan that rotates to beat air against my face. I drop her hand and run to the fan, following it as it oscillates back and forth. I smile and close my eyes as the hair sticking to my forehead starts to dry and begin to curl into odd shapes. "Thank you!" I say into the fan, my eyes still closed. I giggle when I hear my voice. "I sound like a robot!!" I giggle again and let a smile break across my face. And I hear the nurse crossing the room back to me.

"Strawberry Twist or Blueberry Blast, sweetheart?" I open my eyes to find two different popsicles being held in front of me. I let out an excited gasp, screeching a little in the process. I reach out to grab then stop myself just in time. I rock back and forth on my heals, my hands curled behind my back. "Which one do you want?" She smiles at me then insists I choose first. I hesitate - but she urges me, and I reach out and take the Strawberry Twist from her. "Thanks!" I say, before I shove the icy thing in my mouth. I think it tastes exactly like heaven and end up finishing before the nurse is even half way done with hers. I end up eating four whole Strawberry Twist popsicles before the nurse finishes her one. "OKay, sweetie. Let's go. I gotta show you something." I take her hand again, my hand sticky with liquid sugar. But she doesn't pull away or complain - just smiles. We walk down a hallway with tons of doors. They all have numbers, but I'm not sure what they are because they are a lot bigger than any numbers I've seen. Then the nurse opens a door and leads me into a room filled with sunlight. I stop when I see mommy with a bundle of blue blankets in her arms. I swallow and turn my head up to the nurse. She looks down at me, pushing me towards the bed. "Go on. It's alright." she says with a smile. I whirl back around just before she is about to shut the door behind her. "Thank you for all the popsicles."

"Your welcome." she says, smiling, before she closes the door behind her. I start to walk closer, keeping as quiet as I can. Mommy looks at me and smiles. "Hey little popsicle-muncher! Come here. Come meet your new baby brother." I climb up into her bed and she scoots over just enough to make space for me to sit next to her. I look at the blue bundle of blankets in her arms and realize that this is it. This is what I need to remember. I feel my breath catching in my throat and my heart stopping. I swallow and stare intently. I can't forget a thing. "You wanna hold him?" All I can do is nod as mom passes the bundle over into my arms. She puts his head in the crook of my arm and his body in my folded legs. I pull a bit of blanket from his chin and feel him squirm beneath me. His skin is pink, wrinkly, and brand new. He blinks his eyes open at me and I don't even care that they aren't green - he is so perfect just the way he is. I smile as he squints at the light in the room and bend down to kiss him on the forehead. I hear my mother let out a bit of an exhausted laugh and look down to realize I've left a red stain on his head. I giggle and bite my lip. "Whoops."

"Ha, come here little muncher. You got a little something stuck on your lips."

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I lay flat on my back on the dark ground. I try to gasp for air but can't grab any through my sealed lips. I push myself onto my elbows, my vision blurred. I scramble backwards until I can stand and wave my weapon around aimlessly as I try to find the boy with the bloody blade. So, the queen does bleed red. Just as all her peasants do. I swipe my arm across my forehead and eyes, trying to rid them of the red. I hear my mother's voice in my head, as soft and sweet as the breeze blows against the grass. I miss that voice. I feel soft, smooth skin beneath my lips, softer than any silk I have ever worn. Softer than any flower I have ever brought to my lips. Softer than any cloud I have ever dreamed of touching. I miss that baby boy. I miss both those boys. I feel liquid on my lips as sticky as the sugar of a popsicle. I press my tongue against the inside of my lips, searching for the taste - for the sugary sweet tang that reminds me of heaven. But the only tang that meets my taste buds is blood. Pure, red, sticky, hot blood. Blood is the new sugar that drives me wild. I taste blood and remember the day I jumped from my window and broke my heel. I taste blood and remember when I pressed a blade against my tongue and laughed. I taste blood and remember the heat of Theseus' lips against mine. I taste blood and remember the creatures I ate raw. I taste blood and remember when a boy haunted me in a drugged haze. I taste blood and feel my horrors come to life before my eyes. I taste blood and I feel a needle pushing through my lips. I taste blood and I remember the day I died. I taste blood and I know. I taste blood and I become what I need to be.

I taste blood and I swing.