Re: Denise Ekern, Avox

They ask me who I am. They want to know my whole personality, my appearance, my history. Who are they to judge who I am? Okay, let's start off with the basics. I'm Denise, I was caught poaching in the woods, my boyfriend was killed, and I was taken to the Capitol and my tongue slit off. I became an Avox when I was just fourteen, young and helpless, wanting to protect my family - my little sister Debbie, who doesn't know what's happened to me. My parents, who are dead. Debbie was killed too. Poor Debbie. She had no idea, she was clueless about the world around her. I am the only Ekern who remains. Debbie Ekern. Debbie Ekern. She was my first priority, yet I watched her. She was an Avox to one of the districts - the same as me, in one of the games. My memory is a blur, the torments of every day have tittered the thoughts from my head.

I have failed my family. Debbie was the last to die. The Capitol disliked me. They made me watch my parents die, as the knife slid across their throats and they crumpled, limp to the floor. Debbie had hidden when the Peacekeepers had arrived to take them away. But then they searched my house, finding stricken Debbie curled up in a wardrobe, munching on the short supply of food she had left. They handcuffed her, taking her to the Capitol on their hovercraft. They chained her up in an interrogation room, trying to get information about anything criminal running in our family. She refused to talk. They killed her, after hours of torturing - and I saw. I was forced to watch poor little Debbie, screaming in pain, her eyes forming into slits then her body crumpling, going limp and falling into the sea of blood and severed limbs and the hair that had been torn from her head.

I ran off after that. I raced into the woods, never wanting to face the world again. My boyfriend Erick came with me. Then the hovercraft was there before we knew it. A harpoon shot out, skewering Erick in the heart. As I screamed, the hovercraft released a wire that picked me up. I knew my future now. They knew me. I had ran off because I knew the Capitol would find me next. But I had failed. I was an outlaw, wanted in the Capitol. They didn't decide to kill me in the end. They found no entertainment in that. And there were some Capitolites who still needed Avoxes. They chopped off my tongue, now just a pink stump from my throat. I have been jumping from different households because nobody likes me. Nobody cares. I have different homes. Sometimes someone disposes of me because they don't want me as an Avox. They want someone else, someone who is of use to them. Not me.

My personality isn't that basic. I think I have split personality disorder. Since I lost my tongue, nobody knows my true personality. They judge me on the way I act, taking orders with haste in hope they won't give me a gruesome ending like Debbie. If I had known they would give me a fast death if I disobeyed, I would do it. But I am unsure of whether I'll be tortured or given a fast death, and I don't want to take the risk. Before my tongue was severed, I was a pretty solemn and sombre girl. I never smiled, I rarely spoke. I only warmed up to my family and my boyfriend Erick. Erick, who is now a dead corpse buried six feet underground. If he was still alive, nobody would hear him scream. But I do. I hear him screaming in my sleep, shouting my name, reaching out for me - to find thin air.

Erick haunts me at night. All the time. When I was with him in the woods, I could really open up. He was the first person to make me smile. When we were in the woods..."Denise, if anything were to happen to you - if the hovercraft appeared right at this moment - I would sacrifice my life to save yours. I just hope you know that." That was the first time I ever smiled. It took years and years, but eventually whenever I saw him, I smiled. Only in private, though. Like in the woods. We were born hunters back then. I could throw a knife like an expert by the time I was eleven and he could shoot a bird by the time he was nine. There was someone in District 9 who helped us learn to hunt, who trained us every day. Erick died when he was sixteen, two years older than me at the time, then I became an Avox at fourteen. I have been an Avox for three years.

When I was in school, we used to write on pieces of paper from Seven about ourselves. I would write the usual. My name is Denise Ekern. I have long brunette hair. I tie it up in a plait every day. I have an old blue ribbon that my mother owned when she was my age. I am skinny. I am the average height for my age. My mum says I never smile, not even in my sleep. It was the same every year, what I wrote. Then we wrote about our personalities. That was harder. I am Denise Ekern. My mum says I never smile. I only smile when I am around my friends. I would do anything for my family. I have a younger sister called Debbie. If anything ever happened to her I would commit suicide. But I never kept that promise. Because, just like some people say, I'm heartless. Cold and stubborn.

"Denise, if anything were to happen to you - if the hovercraft appeared right at this moment - I would sacrifice my life to save yours. I just hope you know that."

Now his voice is haunting my mind and it's all their fault. Who are they? The Capitol. I can't speak, I have no one left who I love, all because of them. They're the heartless ones. Not me. I may be cold, I may be stubborn, but they're heartless. Cold-hearted, not cold like me. Just cold. Cold-hearted. Now I am confused of my own past. But I've done enough on my past. If the President sees this, I am most certainly dead. Nobody can ever read this. And don't ask if the people I love can see this, because there is no one left I love. I mean it. You may have your mother or your father or just one sibling left, but I have nobody. You cannot know what it is like - to know you're completely on your own...I have been made a servant, my whole life has been controlled like they're playing a video game.

Servant. Controlled. Depressed. Alone. Abused. Tormented. Those and thousands of other words can be used to describe me. I prefer tormented. It's me all the way. But I don't care how people describe me. I don't care if they chopped off my fucking tongue! Nothing matters anymore! NOTHING MATTERS ANYMORE! Occasionally I find those moments where I am filled with hatred, just thinking what is the point in life? And no answer comes to be. Because there isn't a point. No point in life whatsoever. And I have learned that. When I was eleven, I had whatever I wanted. No, that wasn't the eternal glory you got from participating in the games - not wealth. Nothing but my family. They were all I needed at that time. Just me, Debbie, Mother and...Father. He died first. I loved Father just as dearly as I loved Debbie. Mother - she was something different.

Are you bored yet? You probably would be if you were me. It's the same daily grind, day in, day out, forever, and a day, eternal...I'm not even gonna start. Anyway. My appearance. It's basic. Long brown hair. Tied in a plait. Slim build - skinny even. Severed tongue. Pearly white skin. I suppose I'm slightly pretty, maybe not. I'm nothing noticeable, let me tell you. I wish I could fly away. Grow wings and fly up, away from the Capitol's wicked grasp. I don't want to live there anymore. Ever.

"Denise, if anything were to happen to you - if the hovercraft appeared right at this moment - I would sacrifice my life to save yours. I just hope you know that."

finished