stars hide your fires [josh]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=style, background-image: url(http://i48.tinypic.com/15ot2xx.jpg); width: 500px; padding-top: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px;][atrb=border,0,true][atrb=cellSpacing,0,true][atrb=cellPadding,0,true] ♛ peridot myler; ♛ stars hide your fires these here are my desires and i won't give them up to you this time around snd so i'll be found with my stake stuck in the ground

∞

And the cannon sounds.

One simple boom brings back a thousand memories in a split second. The rushing waters of the river styx, intertwining, always gushing out water, but blood, always gushing out tributes, and mutts. One simple cannon brings back twenty-three deaths, many of which I had a hand in, of some sort. A simple sound that brings back three deaths in my mind, two sisters and a brother that were once the greatest friends around - my gods and goddesses. Boom. Emerald Shore had been torn to shreds in her fight only seconds before, that was one down the drain and one more to go. One more to go, he had to come home - he had to, that's what this whole mentoring thing was about, wasn't it? Making them come home.

Boom. A harsh swinging of a blade to the leg, causing a cannon, which mist covering our eyes, a dream-like state being shaken, pixie-dust wiped off our eyes and realizing that Kiera had died. I was a diamond. The swinging of that same blade, days later, pounding through and through, swinging, with a stab through her thigh, her falling seemingly endlessly to the ground, until the wolf fell down. I was a star. The swinging of the sword, the stabbing, jabbing, of the sword that went straight through Wes and finished the battle. Boom. Boom. Boom. Another cannon for someone that I knew, came close to. She was my tribute, and she died. She died, and Viridian was coming close, ever so close, waddling away so close to dying. What had I done?

I felt as if my heart and lungs were suddenly constricting, twisting to punish me, no I was meant to breathe any more, this was my punishment for what I'd down. How could I? Kill a child who had a large family at home, the Shore family had plenty of children, plenty of reapable children - they could be the next Libertine's. And I would be just as bad of a mentor to them, as I would be to Emerald, and Viridian. Dead, death, it was so much different out of the arena, so much different in the control room that we watched from. I had control, I had a certain sense of control, District One was not short of sponsors in any way, maybe I could have saved her if I had just sent something in. Maybe. Maybe I could have sent her a weapon, or a bomb, or something that could - I couldn't have done anything if I tried.

Was this the punishment of being a victor? Watching your tributes die one after the other knowing that there was nothing you could possibly do, was that the point of winning? Perhaps. Another psychological torture outside of the arena. First, having to kill a bunch of children. Second, having to meet all of their families. Third, having to watch children when you had no idea how to save them. Fourth, watch them die. How cruel was the Capitol to do this to us? How much more death could there be? Hadn't I already killed, seen dozens die. Hadn't I won? Wasn't this all supposed to be done with? Gasping for air, I stumbled out of my chair. The sight of a bloodied up Shore girl still plaguing my thoughts, blinding my eyes, I couldn't see in front of me.

"I just - I - I need - uh - water." I choked out to Topaz as I ran anxiously passed, the pit of my stomach twisting and turning as if I was going to puke, and my throat burned. The pale white hallways all seemed the same in this place. Running, tumbling, tripping over my own two feet I tried to find the nearest garbage can, Little Boy, you need to get used to this now, welcome to life. I know, I know, I know. Little Boy, Little Boy, you chose to live, and this is how you pay. The yellow splatters beautifully against the pale walls as my stomach releases all the anger and sadness it'd been harnessing since the beginning of the 63rd Games. It was only a matter of time until one of them died, and it was now.

You failed Little Boy, it's time to accept that you can't win.

But I had won, and this was my consequence. A burden that I had to carry endlessly on my shoulders - I was Atlas, the Titan of the sky, who carried the world on his back and lived on, a mountain. That's what I had to be, a mountain that touched the dark night, a mountain that kissed the stars and lived on - even if they lost. Topaz herself had hardly seemed to react at the death of Emerald - maybe she was just used to it at this point. Was she even expecting me to come home? Little Boy, you were a lost cause, don't forget. I was meant to die last year, and yet I carried on, fought day after day, and came home.

I came home, and now I must be a mountain.

The rooftop had been my comfort over the past few weeks, no one came here anymore, no tribute took comfort in the night time watching what they could see of the stars across the sky. No mentors really journeyed away from their posts, but the room was so suffocating, so distracting, I don't know if I could stay there the entire time - it's another world away from here. Topaz was much better than it than me anyways, I didn't know how to do anything, but win, I suppose. That's what I'd done, won, and now - well, now I have to figure out how to get the rest of them to win. But only Viridian was left, Emerald was among the stars now.

As I lay back on the soft granite stone of the rooftop garden, I at last feel at comfort, it is here that I feel most at home in the Capitol, looking up at whatever I could find. There was comfort in the stars, there was home, and sisters, and brothers. There was tributes, death, mothers, fathers, there was the moon up there as well. My family was up there, and sooner or later I would be too. The bright yellow glow bathes my face, and washes me, cleanses me, it keeps me safe from whatever dangers might be out there. The xiphos sword that took out all my friends, the Capitol, blood, arenas, fans, families, escorts, mentors, death. There were so many more dangers in the world these days than there were before. When had life become so complicated? It was all so different.

It was a new world where my fears could be put on a list a mile long and still wouldn't be complete. But laying beneath starlight, and moonlight, bathing in their safety, that list was vanquished. "Hey guys." I started my nightly prayers, still sweating and coughing between words. The panic never disappeared. A girl had died in my care, and that's what I told them. "Emerald Shore died today. You won't see her name in the sky, there's no anthem where you are. But know she's up there." Or she should be, there was no reason for a tribute not to be in the sky, that's where the anthem was - that had to be some sign of where we went. "Kiera, she's just like you, feisty. Wes, you'd like her, I think, just you know - don't sleep with her in any arena any time soon." I let loose a hacking laugh. Not that I would assume there'd be sleeping around up there - but it was a comfort in being able to laugh. "Aria, you stay away from her, she's too dangerous for you, she might just take you out." I stop, looking at the sky and let loose a giant sigh, that takes all the breath from my lungs until it feels as I had earlier. Breathless and useless. They were already gone, taken out. All by the same sword, and I'd had a hand in it.

In some way, I'd been responsible for so much death.

Why?