Sleep Little Baby, Sleep //Mary Ellen's DP

For the first time I was having good dreams, I wasn't being tortured by the thoughts of death and loss, odd considering I was in an Arena fighting for my life. Even more odd was that this felt so real to me, I could see Jesse like she was right in front of me, her tear stained face made my heart break a little knowing I had caused it. I had promised her I'd come back home though, I had made her a promise that I would come back home to her and hold her once again in my arms. I wanted to kneel down in front of her and tell her all would be okay, that I wouldn't let her down, that she would see me again, but I knew that wasn't going to happen here, not in a dream.

It was then that I woke up, I awoke to the sound of weapons being drawn and a dull pain in my wrist. Blankly I turned to look at what had happened, I turned to look at a large welt forming on my wrist, and my eyes looked dumbly around me. Nothing was making sense right now, what had happened to me, why was this happening, why were we under attack. We had all come here for survival, we thought we would be safe here, but we weren't, somehow they had found us...or followed us. I wasn't awake enough to do anything, and soon I felt a burning sensation sear through my body as I realized they were going to kill me. I'd been a damn fool for thinking I would make it out of this, I had believed I could keep that promise.

I looked at the severed stump of my hand in confusion, for the first time in years I couldn't see the blue and red medical bands that had been my constant companion throughout my life. Then I looked at my chest, the blood slowly pumping out of me, ticking away my life. I knew I was done for now, my time in this world had come to an abrupt end. I had thought I would be okay, I thought I could make Jesse proud, but here I was laying on the ground accepting death as if I couldn't do anything. The truth of the matter was...I didn't want to do anything anymore, I didn't want to fight them, I had done enough damage here.

Perhaps something that hurt me the most as I lay here was that my own allies turned on each other, and I had to lay in a numb half death as Mizar fell to the ground and died. Why was nothing fast for me, why did I always have to do everything so slow. I could feel my tears boil beneath the surface, my body no longer having the strength to let them out, so many things I could cry about now, and yet not a single tear could fall down my cheeks. After it was all over I turned my head to look at Ares, the stoic figure trapped in the earth, forced to watch it all unfold around him. I wonder if he ever knew I was carrying his child, a legacy of sorts. He was good for something after all, he thought it was all about the fighting but I could have shown him he was so much more than that.

Now as I lay on the ground the person who had killed me had actually killed two people, Ares child would never see the light of day, or for that matter know it's father or mother. My mind wandered back to Jesse, how we had planned on adopting a child to take care of back home before all this started. I wondered what she would have thought if she had known I was pregnant, if she would help me take care of a child that was conceived during the Games. I looked back up to the stars, my only real friends in this world, my only real friends as I lay here dying. There was no Ares to give me comfort and there was no Jesse to take my hand and tell me it would all be okay, I was alone now. I suppose that's how it was supposed to be though, I came into this world alone, and now I would be leaving it alone.

I struggled to keep my consciousness as my mind tried to remember Jesse's face, but it was becoming to hard to even remember that. I had lost too much blood and it was almost time for me to go, I would be joining the stars up there, I would be able to look down on everything from up there. I thought about my promise to Jesse again, that I would come home, that I would make it back to her somehow...or was that how I had promised it? I guess...one way or another I was going to make it back home to her, after my body was taken from this hell on earth it would be taken back to District 12 right, I would go home to her and she could have me. Would they allow her to bury me beside our house, would they allow me to even be shown to her...would she be allowed to hold me one last time.

Finally I felt a tear slowly slide down my cheek, a lone tear that held all of my sorrow in it, all my dreams that were shattered on this night. I never got to tell her how much I loved her before I loved her, I never got to show her the words I written down for her. I wondered if she would find my last gift to her in my belongings back home, would she find that simple piece of paper that represented so much of what I wanted in a life with her...she had to live now. She was my legacy, she was the last person who would remember me for who I was, she was the person who would know who I was really was. I felt my eyelids grow heavy and I closed them, tired of fighting it now.

I felt darkness envelope me, and my body grow weak, my heart beat slowing down as I finally let my body make that journey to the end. How would I be remembered, I never knew if Ares loved me, I never knew if Henry loved me either...there were so many things I didn't know. It was too late now though, I had to leave it all behind...if there was one thing I had learned though...I could be loved...there were good people out there. Maybe there was hope after all for this...there was hope for Panem even if I was gone. I love you Jesse, you gave me hope where I had none, I love you Ares...for showing me that strength is so much more than physicality...I love you Henry for not being afraid to cry in training...I love you Mizar for showing me that a promise is a promise...and we need to keep them.

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I would like to than those that stuck by me through these Games and gave me the chance to enjoy them the way I did.

Clover: I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for teaching me how to handle the Games, waking up in the morning to some of my more foolish questions and putting up with my irritation when I didn't like some of the things that were going on. You were an amazing teacher to me, and I enjoyed these Games because I had you as a mentor. I love that you helped me grow as a person as well as grow as a writer here in the Games.

Cato: You will always be my gorilla brother, from day one we had said we would be allies and I don't regret a single second that we talked or the threads we had. You made every night a happy night for me, you have me a reason to smile every night when you would ask me to post in the thread we had with Mary and Ares. I'm just sad it never got to progress as far as we wanted.

Ems: You're as good as a big sister to me, and that morning when I woke to find Mary Ellen dead I wanted nothing more than to cry and you told me I could. I wanted to be your ally the second you volunteered because I wanted to have my two most favorite people in the world in my alliance. It was fun to see how Mizar responded to Mary Ellen's quirky attitude and how she was able to touch her in just those few posts we had.

Skittz: You are one of my best friends on the site, and you were my first ever ally for anything, I owe you so much for that chance to survive. I don't regret being your ally because I loved Henry, and so did Mary Ellen. The thread we had wasn't a bore, and our group thread had the makings of being something very interesting had we been able to continue it more.

Meghan(Sheriff): Thanks for being my unofficial mentor these Games, and letting me talk to you for strategy over text. You were a huge help for me, though in retrospect we should have listened to your original plan to begin with. You'll always be like a sister to me because you wanted me to come back to the forum in the first place, so you have a special place in my heart as a result.

Rook: You're an amazing person, I loved talking to you for those brief times that we did. I'll be honest and admit I just went to talk to you because I loved talking to you after a while. Thanks for not killing me in the Bloodbath, that was a huge confidence booster for me knowing you wouldn't come and kill me, it gave me some hope that I could make it a little farther than that.

Thank you to everyone I missed, it's just hard to write this period at this point. I'm just crying endlessly as I sit here trying to write this up, so I apologize if I missed anyone here. I love you all and thank you for this chance to be in the Games, thank you for cheering me on when I got reaped and thank you for everything. Thank you all for being such good friends to me, I love you all.