hedvig fabre, district two | finished

And once upon an -

Everything; I had everything, once. I was just a little girl, too young to understand the value of things, yet old enough know the importance that they held within our lives. I was the little girl with her head in the clouds, feet twirling along the floor of her rundown, poor shack. I was never the type to complain; I was never the type to read about the princesses who lived inside castles, just to ask -- "Why not me?"

I was a realist with the heart of a dreamer; I was wise enough to know the world was cruel and corrupted, but innocent enough to know that even flowers bloom after the harshest of winters. I had been kind, open to giggling and dancing with my dear sister as our struggling parents watched us with smiles carved onto their faces that hardly ever got a break from worrying -- to them, my innocence was a beam of hope within a dark cave. With my family, I could ignore it. I could ignore the fact that most nights we went hungry - that most nights we had to cuddle in a heap just to stay warm - that most nights we'd be better off dead. And yet, I still had childish dreams in my heart. I still had hope, innocence; but --

all dreams fade with time.

It was dark the night I saw my parents die, and many days later I refused the fact that I had actually witnessed their deaths. A man had approached us as we strolled down the street, screaming at my father for the money that he owed him -- I had known that the warm bread we ate the night before hadn't just been some mere blessing. Father begged for more time, letting his financial struggles be known, pointing to Amberly and I and begging and begging and begging -- it was then that I gathered my hatred for the concept of begging.

The man pulled out a gun, impatient and brash - "Who'll miss a rat and his family?" he hissed to my mother as she ran to the side of my father, pushing Amberly and I aside, begging for forgiveness. I could smell alcohol drifting from the man's breath, and I remembered once that father had carried the same stench -- my mother had begged him not to leave that night, and in his blurred state he only slapped her face and stormed away.

Daddy was gone for a week after that -- that was when I swore that I'd never touch alcohol, ever.

Amberly tugged me aside as the words continued to fill the air, her eyes - Ripred, she was always the innocent one - wide and afraid, asking me to take her somewhere safe. I had taken her hand in my own and dashed off, our locks of brown flowing out behind us. "Stay here," I had whispered as I shoved her behind a dumpster, her hands frantically gripping at my ragged coat.

"Don't leave me," she wailed, lips pouring out a thousand shaky breaths. I placed my hand against her cheek, trying to force whatever courage I had forming within me to flow into her.

"I'll never leave you. Never, I promise," I panted, our smallest fingers tying themselves around each other as we made a pact. I made a promise to always be there -- I swore to myself that I'd protect those I loved. And, with that realization, I kissed the olive flesh of sister's forehead and turned on my heels, dashing back to the place where my mother and father struggled with the man.

"You'll pay your debts," was the statement that slapped my bare face when I arrived to the scene. The drunken man pulled the trigger; my daddy's head creaked backwards, and my mother's shrill scream clawed its way into my ears, before it too was cut short -- bang.

I stumbled backwards, landing on my bottom and gasping. It was dark - it was dark - it wasn't true. The man heard me, stumbling over to me with blood upon his trenchcoat. He knelt down to my level, his face impossible to make out in the lighting. "Your mommy and daddy got themselves into some trouble," he slurred, taking a hand and pushing a strand of brown out of my face. "They had to pay their debts," he chuckled, moving his hand onto the top of my head and patting it.

I swallowed, refusing to speak as I shook. It wasn't real - it was dark - it was too dark, I was dreaming - fuck dreams. "You wanna join 'em?" he asked in a voice too innocent to belong to a killer, face growing serious as he pressed the barrel of his pistol to my forehead. "How about you beg me?"

I lowered my gaze, staring straight forward as I shook. Don't beg - don't beg - don't you dare beg. I closed my eyes, unable to stop the gasps that ripped their way out of my throat, fingers digging at the harsh ground beneath me. Warm tears gathered beneath my eyelids, squeezing their way out. Just do it - just do it - just kill me, but don't hurt Amber.

A finger swiped against my drenched cheek, a chuckle dancing its way into the chambers of my ears. "You're a brave little thing," the man whispered faintly, rising to his feet and placing the gun inside his garments. "Let me give ya some advice, baby girl," he went on, his near invisible gaze becoming serious. "Don't ever go making deals; rely on yourself," he hissed, glancing over at the bodies of my mother and father that I refused to acknowledge. "Now you go on now, ya hear?" he laughed, turning and stumbling off, the smell of his breath still plaguing my every inhale. "These streets ain't no place for pretty little girls like you."

And like that, he was gone -- gone, gone, gone.

I didn't take the time to waddle over to the bodies of my parents, to look at their faces -- they weren't dead. No. No. -- I rose to my feet, my stomach screaming in torture, and limped to the place where I left my sister. She dashed out, her arms wrapping themselves around my form, and with a short inhale, I hugged her back.

"Where are mommy and daddy?" she asked, worried and pure -- fuck innocence.

"They had to go, Amber; they had to go, and it might be a long time before we ever see them again," I said slowly and shakily, running a hand through her hair. "But I promise, we'll be okay." -- I'm not losing anyone else. She stared at me for what felt like hours, our foreheads pressing together as she sobbed softly; innocent or not, she knew. Stubborn or not, I knew. Hand-in-hand, we trudged out of the alleyway, our identical forms walking through the night and to our little shack --

with no promise of a happy future to guide us.

---

And once upon a -

Nothing. I had nothing, all at once. Just a girl forced to harden her shell much too soon -- that's all I was. Amberly and I tried to make it on our own, and for quite a few days we stayed awake and stared at the door until our vision blurred, waiting for our mother and father to return. But never did they push open the door and yell a "Just kidding!", or even a "Did you miss us?" What I had seen was true, and though Amberly constantly asked the same question: "Are they dead?", I always gave the same response:

"I don't know."

We were near the brink of starvation by the time the Peacekeepers found us huddled together, scraps of food that I had snatched from alleyways littered around us. I had scratched and spit, all against the thought of leaving the only place that had ever felt like home to me -- Amberly just blinked and took one of their hands, stumbling out of the place where our innocence was born -- or, more truthfully:

the place where our innocence died.

Amberly and I found ourselves in a small orphanage near the center of the district, and though Amberly allowed herself to become close to the other children, I couldn't bring myself to strike up a conversation with any of them. I had a phase in my life where I felt like everything about my existence was a curse, that even my very words were laced with liquid failure. I couldn't save my parents, I couldn't keep my sister and I alive on my own, I -- I just couldn't. All the things I spent my childhood telling myself that I could do -- all the mountains I told myself I could push; all the clouds I told myself I could pluck from the sky -- never turned into reality; the dream in my realist heart shriveled away, and left behind was a girl wise innocent to know that the world would only fuck you over --

but, luckily, not innocent enough to let it have the chance.

I became known as 'that quiet girl', or more specifically: "Her? She never wants to play, there's no reason to ask." I spent my days sitting in silence as childish chuckles fluttered around me, always and forever replaying the events that stripped me of my childhood. There wasn't a day that I didn't feel at least some form of self-pity -- that is, until I met him.

"Hedvig," my sister started as she dragged a quiet, brown-haired boy behind her. "This is my friend Arryn's twin brother, Keifer!" she beamed, smiling at me eagerly. I raised a 'brow, shrugging as if asking:

"What do I care?"

"You're both really quiet," she went on, pushing him in front of me. "I think you two will do each other some good!" she exclaimed as she finished, turning on her heels and dashing off to play around with her friends. (Is that innocence? Being able to forget about pain for even a mere second?)

"Hi," Keifer muttered as he slumped down against the wall beside me, prompting me to scoot away a bit.

"Hello," I mumbled, not even bothering to look him in the eyes.

"It's nice to meet you, I guess?"

"Yeah; same."

We repeated the same dialogue for around five days, but on the sixth day I finally looked at him. His eyes were a blue I had never seen before -- vibrant colors were never something I was familiar with --, and I found myself distantly scooting closer just to comment on them. He smiled and chuckled, peaking out at me from his strands of brown.

"So, is this what flirting is?" He smiled.

"I really hope not." I laughed.

It was slow, and not necessarily steady, but soon enough we found ourselves attached at the hip. We were brave enough to let go with each other, to ignore the troubles that our over-analytical minds went over day-in and day-out. When we sat down together, innocent conversations bringing us closer, we could forget.

We could forget it all -- that the world was cruel, that my mother and father were dead, that I couldn't save anyone all on my own.

"When I get older, I'm gonna fight bad guys," I stated once, looking up at the ceiling as a smile plastered itself onto my face.

"All on your own? You tough enough for that?" Keifer teased, and after shoving against him with my elbow, I found my brown eyes sparkling as I combed my slender fingers through my personal waterfall of chocolatey waves.

"Hmm, maybe. But-...," I started, leaning in with an eager smile that I had only ever saw upon Amber's features. "Maybe you can fight them with me?"

He smiled, bright eyes sparkling just as mine were -- maybe I didn't have nothing.

Maybe, I could forget -- I could forget about death, fear; I could forget all the things that sent my head into raging aches. Because I wasn't alone anymore, I didn't just have noth-...

Keifer and Arryn were adopted less than a week later. A nice family, a family that was kind and a family that was true, came and took them away -- Arryn and Amberly hugged and sniffed away tears, but Keifer and I-...

We knew.

We knew that it was over -- all the bliss. As we embraced each other, both of us refusing to let a single tear slide down our cheeks, we knew.

"Don't have too much fun without me. Okay, Heddy?"

"I won't, Kei."

-- I have nothing; how can I find happiness?

---

And once upon a -

Something. When the world chews you up and spits you out, you're not alone. You don't just have nothing -- there's something inside; there's something rooted deep within your very being that keeps you going. The days and nights after Keifer left I retreated back inside my shell, but this time-... It was different. As I grew, so did my inner-strength. With time, I was able to shut it all off. All the images of my parents' bodies, all the images of never being strong enough -- gone. I found that, when I left myself alone to feel nothing, that's when I felt something.

Because there is something -- there is something hidden away in the promise of nothing.

I had awoken one day a little bit too late, rubbing my eyes as I noticed that Amber's body was not in the cot beside me. I blinked. chest rising and falling with speed. Tiny feet hitting the ground, I found myself darting through the halls in my pajamas, tiny form squeaking to a stop at the sight of an elderly couple shaking hands with our advisor -- the woman had Amber's shoulders clutched within her wrinkly, bejeweled hands.

"Ah, there's her twin now," remarked the advisor, pointing at me as my shoulders started to rise and fall. "Shame they're gonna be split apart," she continued -- and I broke. I promised myself to feel nothing; I promised myself to feel no sadness, or self-hatred, or -... I never promised myself to feel no anger.

"No!" I shrieked, charging forward and hitting at the elderly man and grabbing at Amber. "No, you're not taking her!"

"You'll both find a home together, we promise." -- that's what they told us when we arrived, but they lied.

"Hedvig; calm!" roared the advisor, tackling me and pulling me back. "Mr. and Mrs. Fabre, I'm so sorry. She's a bit wild, this one."

"I can tell," gasped Mrs. Fabre, a hand flying to her lips in a dramatic manner.

"No," I yelped, managing to slip out of the headlock that the advisor had around me. "Please. Please, no; don't take her from me."

They stared at me with pity -- all of them.

"Amber, tell them!" I screamed, hot tears streaming down my cheeks. "I promised you, Amber. I promised you that I'd never leave you alone," I gasped, lips trembling as I tilted my head. "Don't let them take you."

"I told them I didn't want to go without you, but they said they didn't wan-...," Amber started in a sputtering manner.

"Fuck what people want!" I screamed, and before I knew it, all eyes were on my form. "Grow up, Amber! Forget about what people want; stand up for yourself!"

(Have you ever stood up for yourself, Hedvig?)

I grunted and twisted my body, breaking free of the woman that held me's grip. I ran forward, sweaty palms cupping themselves onto Amber's cheeks.

"Remember that day, Amber. I promised you I'd keep you safe. You're all I have; I'm all you have. Please don't leave me." -- don't leave me.

Amber fought against Mrs. Fabre's grip, arms wrapping around me. "I love you, Hedvig," she sobbed. "I'm sorry," she whispered into my shoulder, and I felt my form slump. Why was she apologizing? A fancy couple wanted to give her a new life, and I -- I was too selfish to approve of it. It wasn't Amber who need me -- I needed her.

"Nathaniel, do we really need to sit through this dramatic little-...," started Mrs. Fabre, but her husband quickly shushed her.

"Now, Agatha, let's not be brash. Why should we split them apart? After all, I wanted a son to mold into a career, and you wanted a daughter to dote upon. Why not make a proposition that we all can enjoy? We let these two little girls stay together; you can take care of little Amberly, and I can take-... What is your name, love?" he went on and ended it with a question, kneeling down to my level.

I didn't take the time to rub the tears from my ears, instead staring at him with what little dignity I had left. "Hedvig," I said, as forceful as I could.

"Ah, well. I'll take young Hedvig under my wing. A little proper training, she could be something great," he finished, glancing over at me with a wink. (What was I? A fucking toy?)

"Oh, well, I suppose?" said Agatha in an uncertain tone, shrugging with a flick of her hand. "Oh, none the matter. Money is of no issue; there's no reason to raise a daughter knowing her rabid sister will try to break her out every night. Bring us the papers, please."

(Was this shit legit? Was it that simple? You pour your heart out to your sister -- you finally admit to the fact that you're the one terrified of being left behind, and what do you get? A couple who wants you just because you have "potential." Bullshit. The world's made up of liars and piles of pure bullshit.)

Before long, Amber and I found ourselves shipped away once again, ushered inside a luxurious manor located in the upper-part of Two. Amberly took to the the elderly couple's estate like a freshly birthed caterpillar took to a meadow, but it was harder for me to cope. "I'm sorry for acting like I didn't care," Amber said the first night. "I did; I really did. I didn't want them to take me without you, but-...," she trailed off, looking at the ground.

"But you actually wanted it?"

"No, no. I-... I just wanted to be brave for once. You're so brave, Heddy. You don't even realize it. I wanted to be like you; I wanted to be brave enough to go off on my own, and-... I'm sorry. I'm so sorry that I was willing to go without you," she squeaked, eyes starting to fill with shiny tears.

I embraced her in a tight hug, lips pressing onto her forehead. "Let's just forget everything," I said, holding her firmly and speaking with a tone braver than ever before. "Please, let's just forget. Our parents, the orphanage -- everything. We'll be okay now. You and I; You and I, as Amberly and Hedvig Fabre. Okay?"

Amberly stared at me for a few seconds, a smile slowly starting to spread across her face. "Okay."

However, as we aged, so did our personalities. Amberly became the doll our "mother" always longed for, never losing the innocent air that everyone and their brother flocked to, and I-... I was a different kind of daughter. I was the daughter who heard "You're not in the proper stance. Again!" far more than "Darling, please. Pick any dress you want; remember our motto: money is of no issue!" I was the Fabres' hope for a star of Panem -- I was a piece of meat designed to participate in the Games. Amberly was the Fabres' hope for a star of Two, and I could see why. She was beautiful, she was kind -- everyone loved her.

She was everything I wasn't -- she forgot everything I couldn't get out of my head at night. Before long, I found myself digging deeper into my training. Fighting became an outlet for me, a way for me to express all of the self-hatred I kept bottled up. Every night, as warm tears squeezed their way out of my eyes and I screamed into my pillow, I had to struggle with the fact that I blew anything out of proportion.

I had a rich family now; what more could I want?

(My mom and dad.
Keifer.
My little sister back; the one who needed me, not the other way around.
My innocence, please --
fucking Ripred, I just want my childhood back.)

But, no --- childhood never returned, and before long, womanhood came. I blossomed just the same way as Amberly did, though I was never as delicate or fair. Mother hardly ever took me to the galas for the upper families. "Oh, darling. I'd hate to impede on your training!" she'd exclaim, frantically adjusting Amberly's brown hair. Usually I'd nod and agree, but the night that I finally decided to see what all the fuss was about -- ("Oh, Hedvig, you should have been there! The food was divine! Oh, and the boys -- oh, Ripred, the boys! I met one, y'know? He was dashing. Mother said his family expressed interest in a courtship, but-... Oh, nevermind me. I'm sure your training is going just as well?") --, and to investigate what was slowly turning my sister into a robot, I didn't regret it.

Hiding under a dining table as I stuffed chocolates into my mouth, I found my eyes spreading in confusion as another form dashed under. "Shew," he panted as he adjusted himself. "I saw your heels peeking out, thought I'd join you. It's probably funner down here than up th-...," he trailed off, head turning and eyes locking onto my own. I found myself shaking, my form falling forward and drowning in his electrifyingly blue eyes.

"Keifer," I gasped, and damning the cause, I excitedly threw myself onto him and embraced him with a tight, firm hug.

"Fuck, shit, you've gotten stronger," he gasped, and I found myself loosening my grip, chuckling like an idiot. "Hedvig, it's-... It's you," he whispered, hand flying to my cheek, causing gooseflesh to rise in its wake.

"It's me." -- it's just me.

We spent the next few hours of the gala under that table, and together we spoke of what life had been like -- the up's and the down's, how we were both so certain that our friendship was over. We learned that our houses were close together in our neighborhood, and I found myself training less and less with each day to spend time with him.

Chuckles turned into passionate kisses, and play-fights turned into-... Well. Neither of us were brave enough to make it official, and anyone who looked at us knew. We were just best friends, connected in ways that people shouldn't have to be -- and we were never losing each other again.

"No, the worst part is using their money," he groaned once during a conversation, taking a bite of the apple in his hands. "I already feel like they owe me enough, yeah?"

"Ugh, I feel that," I moaned, leaning against him. "I hardly ever ask for anything; I'm considering taking up a job at a bakery or some shit."

"You? As what? A fucking bodyguard?"

I shoved against him, laughing. "Fuck off!"

"Shit, though. It'd be badass if we could make a business."

"A business? Yeah, we're rich, but we're supposed to be typical careers. Not entrepreneurs, or whatever those people are called."

"C'mon -- there's got to be something the both of us are good at."

Well, I mean-... Nevermind."

"What?"

"Well, what's the one thing we're at the top of our game in?"

"Fighting, that's for damn sure."

"Exactly."

"And?"

Well-...," I started, and from my lips flowed a proposition that slowly turned into a reality. A club was forged in the rundown buildings of Two, starting out with a measly handful of streetrat careers, and then slowly it turned into an empire of blood, sweat, and tears. A club designed for fighting was birthed, and Keifer and I found ourselves at the highest positions. At first, we were just two fighters who happened to call the shots, but with time, we became the backbone of the very organization. We were in charge, we were the bosses, and any all money lost from bets circulated to us.

Before long, we found ourselves with more money in our pockets than what our parents offered, and it was ours. We had taken the shit the world had given us, and from it, we forged a future. We were no longer the two shy kids sitting in the back of the orphanage, we were two of the most influential people on the streets of Two.

I lost my family,
my sister,
my childhood,
but ---

but I got him back.

I finally found something, hidden within the promise of nothing.