Steps to Nowhere [Kay, Louie; AaW thread]

Sunny was dead. It was all he could think about, even now, months after he had watched his horse collapse, weeks after the District had finally started to pick back up to where it was supposed to be. Every time he saw a horse in the distance he would squint to see if it was a bay, more often than not it wasn't and his heart fell then but when it was he would feel his heartbeat pick up and he would take a few steps forward. It was around then that he would see something that was wrong. The socks weren't right, the muzzle shape, the ears, the movement. Something was always wrong and then his memory would come rushing back and he would fight with every bit of him to keep from crying.

His horse, his companion, was not exactly young, but even at the age of nine the stallion still had had a lot of kick in him - literally - until the drought dried it all away. As the amount of water in the District dried up, Sunny slowed down. It doesn't take much for a horse to suffer dehydration, and the lack of water hit the livestock population hard. Sunny was one of the casualties, though he held on for as long as he could. It didn't make a difference in the end though, he still died.

When the rescue efforts were enacted and the other districts sent people to help the lower three he cursed the Capitol for their hesitation. Sunny died because they were too concerned about what to wear rather than the people who were starving and dying in the lower districts. It had always been like that, though, this was just more obvious. If he could have forgiven them before, he couldn't now. He had lost so much, but thankfully he still had his farm with the man. They had less horses, and fewer cattle, but it was nothing he hadn't expected. If Sunny couldn't survive, he was amazed any could.

Now he wandered the streets trying to keep his mind on the task he had been given but failing. Every snort and whinny he heard reminded him of Sunny, sending him into a battle against the tears he continued to refuse. After months many would have thought the grieving would be done, that he would move on and continue to raise horses and cattle with the man, act like the deaths had never happened. His own mother had fallen sick during the drought and had nearly died, scaring him but not scarring him like Sunny's dead had. It always came back to that, like a circle or a never ending spiral staircase, he was walking the same path every time and ending up back where he started. The only change was that he was now deeper into the darkness that occupied his mind.

Sunny, he had named him aptly. He had been the sun in his life, his joy, his purpose. Every morning had been spent grooming the stallion, every day riding and exploring, afternoons were more time for bonding and only nights were spent apart. Now they could never go off together for a day. It hurt, it really hurt, and no one could see it. He couldn't let anyone see it.

The cobblestones under his feet blurred and he wasn't sure why. Perhaps he was crying, perhaps he was walking fast, perhaps he couldn't care enough to focus on them. Whatever it was, it didn't bother him. If anything it was a good representation of everything that was going on. The world kept moving, but it wasn't as clear as before, the simple things blurred and passed by because everything was the same and yet different. People went on with their lives, despite the drought, despite losing cattle and horses, pigs and sheep and dogs, even people. How come he seemed to be the only one who couldn't continue the same way? He needed something different, because damn if seeing the same old things only made him feel worse.

A loose pebble stared at him from the ground and he took out some of his frustration on it, giving it a kick that sent it skittering along. It wasn't anything though, just a rock on the street. If anything he should pick it up or at least chuck it onto the side so that horses wouldn't get it stuck in their hooves. Thoughts of cleaning out Sunny's hooves after rides rose to his mind and instead he kicked the thing again. This time it went farther, clattering down the street almost like it was laughing at him. Maybe it was, maybe the whole world was. A fool boy who couldn't let go of a dead horse. Hell, there was even a saying about it. No sense flogging a dead horse, maybe this was one in the same.

He wandered until he realized he didn't really know this part of town. You wanted a change. The houses here looked so much nicer than anywhere else, and so much closer together. He was used to a single house in the middle of nothing smaller than an acre and now there were mere yards between each building. It was weird, and oddly haunting, but he carried on.

It didn't even smell the same here, there was only a faint trace of manure and dust carried on the breeze while instead it smelled like cars and cleaning things. The thought made his nose wrinkle. If he was looking for a change he would certainly find it here.

Finding a low stone wall he perched himself on it, sitting so he could look down the street either direction without craning his neck, wondering what he was doing here. Was there really any point to this? He should be grabbing the feed that the man had sent him for and go home. There's not much to go home to. They had enough feed for another three or so weeks, what with it being the summer and with the loss of so many of their herd. The man could wait on his feed, and Oscar was sure he knew that. He's just trying to keep me busy. While the man cared, and Oscar knew that, it really didn't help him. Moving wasn't the answer, if anything he felt like he just needed to stop for a while. Take a moment, take a break, leave the world behind for a while.

That stupid spiral staircase was getting old.