anke evyenia, district 13 {done}

Doe-eyed.

I could be anyone, anything. There was an opening role in how to build a better girl, an advertisement, 'NO SPIDERS'.

I think I blew it. I can't be sure.

Peppermint evaporations, I'm here and I'm there but I'm always nowhere at all.

     Focus on the words. It's okay to be a mess.

     Nobody ever teaches you that, but it's true, I promise.

I've never had a destination in mind, but then again, I've never really known my own beginnings.

LETTER ALLSORTS. BEATING HEARTS.

a(c) - a lesson. something about this taught me that good exists in bad.

a lesson two. something about this taught me that people have many sides, and sometimes, not one of them has to be bad.

a lesson three. something about this taught me the meaning of love in people you never imagined yourself becoming invested in.

a lesson four. something about this taught me naivety, but i can't remember the road i took.

a lesson final. something about this taught me short-term emotive gain. the weight of losing something you barely feel detachment of can hurt too - because nothing was sour, and even though my fingertips continue to reach, in, long-time isn't always the reality that tiny part of you longs for it to be.


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b(r) - so that's that.

i told you i told you i told you i told you listeners are always the most important, so why did i believe every single doubt was received?

it's terrifying, because i don't miss you. even after so much and so long and feeling like whoa whoa wiw. you're unbelievable.

you really are.

in you was me in every way i wasn't. different days but they're somehow the same and it felt like fate - not soulmates, no no. so much to reminisce and there are too many snapshots of time. i still look back on them because i laugh so much at how cyclones were terrifying and hiding in cupboards was safe in all the insanity, but you sat there a thousand million kilometres away and even then were there in the aftermath. hands and toothpaste and i want to scream, in joy in joy because i'm never going to be frustrated and this is something i will never be able to regret, even if i wanted to.

i'll be here, and i'm not ashamed of that. some bonds aren't meant to be severed and this is one i'm willing to relight. just on my terms, and those won't waver (you know how things used to be, you won't make me go back there. i don't think you'd want me to, but I wouldn't do that to myself, after progress.) make right, even if it was all your wrong.

(i'd end on a smile but it doesn't fit)


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c(c) - idol. star of light. unshakeable. irrevocably, beautifully talented. nothing but praise and a heartbreaking longing to split the sea and spend the eternity of a week beneath a sun. so lucky, these are the things we survive for.


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d(k) - i hate that hatred is tangible when you are the centre of it. never understanding the way you've broken through prison bars too many times to count. i think time is running thin.

life is passing you by but i don't think you see it, fully accept it. because why would you remain stuck in a place that's given you comfort? that's for babies, and you know that. that's scared. fear, but you don't get to stamp out your own minisculity by pummeling those that are still searching.

move on. let go. wear the weather like a scarf. use it to cover the bitter scars the fallen stars you've prayed to (for forgiveness, for happiness, for belonging, for never being the victim) (infuriating) have left on your skin.


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e(k) - it was a house, right? the bone house? maybe. you're an eye opener. i hope you knew that before they shot you out of the sky you created. neon and pastel grey. it was yours. i don't understand why we're all held under the trance of false niceties. you're no princess to fall under creaking staircases.

i hope you're well. you made me cry and i cry at everything, everything yes, but i won't forget the way the words felt in my mouth, repeated and stuttering because they were alive and soft and

everything they made themselves believe you weren't. life isn't fair, no matter how many golden hues you wish to view it as.

i was conscious. but i don't think i ever saw in the way you did just how resonant words could be. how you did that is a mystery i love to keep unresolved

//////

(OH SHIT)
(NO NO NO)
(I"M CRYING)
(COME BACK)


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f(z) - i'm still here.

i appreciate you more than you care to accept.


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g(m) - i don't regret you. i won't miss you.


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h(z) - so many telecasts. resonating in my head, bouncing off the same empty words and messages, and how i long to drink the laced intellect.

maybe some disobedient chord finally shook my bones. i used to look into mirrors and find the parts of me that were better than yours. a cruel game, (maybe simply one that didn't exist). but you always won, and i never hated that because i couldn't hate you when you are a reflection of a non-extension of myself. it makes no sense.

but

now

mirrors are mine. when did that happen.

i'm trying

(a)     (b)      (c)      (d)      (e)      (f)

I came back

Walking, and the smells are all the same. Mango in the water and macadamia shells. Those same little velvet buds are strewn across the road and the gate

Is turning green

Because nobody has been here in so, so long.

Now it’s raining, and it’s fitting, because I am crying. God, everything hurts.

Only yesterday I was dancing. How do things change so.

Let’s forget the sadness.

Logically it’s natural
Phenomenon.

The rain doesn’t stop for anyone, doesn’t start for any breaking hearts. We aren’t special. (I realise this even more with angel whispers and a shortage of towels.)

Oh, mum.

I’ve always been an accomplice of storms.

i(c) - i dont know

anke evyenia
twenty six
district thirteen, but could have easily been eight/wanderer
thirteen just felt right
fc hannah karydas aka my idol aka my role model aka who I aspire to be like
queen overthrown, but she never was
handle her gently

1:16am
this very much feels like the bio I had to write.
this feels so raw and real and pure and it makes me smile to think, at least for now, that I'm proud of something that I've been working on for two years
and I don't think it's finished, but I don't think it would ever be finished
but I'm happy
that's not the right word -- my heart just sings