a pair of eyes stare back at me {trix vs cha} [Day 6]

{ p a t r i c i a v a l f i e r n o}

thank you, i'll say goodbye soon
though it's the end of the world
don't blame yourself

I keep thinking the same things, again and again. Guilt, pain, regret. Rinse, repeat. It gets to a point where you stop feeling anything at all, because it just becomes too much. These useless emotions cancel each other out. They are so painful that they kill each other. I don't know. It feels like I am feeling too much, but also I am feeling nothing at all. How can that be possible? To discard these emotions is to spit on the graves of those who have died because of me. How can I do that? I'm trying to forget it all for my own benefit, and that's selfish. It's not moral. Yet, the more I think about it, the more I realize it's my only option. I can't let it eat me from the inside out. I can't give up in spite of all that has happened. I think that maybe giving up would be doing the dead an even greater disservice.

I take off my nightvision googles, letting the darkness swallow me. The caves are uneasy. A deep booming echoes through the cavern, some distant movement or collision. Ever since the chasm caved in, the whole system of caves have seemed unstable. I took a pretty nasty knock to the head whilst running from the Gamemaker's sadistic feast. Pearl says I have concussion, but I feel fine, just a little lightheaded is all. Could have been worse, I suppose. I'm almost certain I saw someone crushed in the collapse. Poor soul. I still feel uneasy. It was no accident that the chasm became a quarry. What if the Gamemakers decide to cause more whilst we sleep?

I shuffle, trying to get comfortable on the hard cavern floor. This is my fifth night. If someone had told me at the start of all of this that I would have survived this long, I would have laughed. Now I am crying instead. I find myself deteriorating further and further. Withering. If you deprive anything of light for long enough, it decays and dies. Everything does.

The anthem lights up the cave walls, and I scratch at the rock, trying to see how and why it illuminates as it does without a projector or light source. I don't even look at the faces of the dead, instead I am tainted with my own selfish goals. Escape. My brittle nails scrape against jagged rock. What is it made of? How does it light up? Is it a special material? There must be a generator or something nearby, yet everytime I stop to listen I can't hear even the slightest of murmurs. This should be solid science, but it's almost like magic. Maybe it's just a science too advanced for a girl from Five. Can't hack it all, Trix.

Pearl sleeps, but I continue to search the cavern for answers. The green light cuts out, and the black expanse taunts me again. I grind my teeth, eyes stinging. My fists pound against the walls as I struggle to suck in air between sobs. Home. Just get me home.

"I can't do this again."

I tackled that girl to the ground. I drew my sword and pressed it to her neck, but I couldn't bring myself to drag it across her windpipe and cut so deep that I felt her spine. I had done it in the training center to one of those realistic dummies, but this was so much different. I killed on the first day, but only out of panic. When you pin someone down and look them in the eyes, it's not the same.

I could feel her breath on mine. She was real. She was living person.
"Do you know where they are? Where Finn and Stella are?" She had breathed with relief as I pulled away from her. She could have killed me then. She should have. Naive little girl - But am I any different? No, I am much more stupid. I am weak. The names she muttered, I did not know who they were. Other Tributes, I assumed, but I was confused as to why she was asking me.
"W-Who?" I had stuttered. I realize now, as I pound at the rock surface with my fists, that she was just as scared as me.

She murmured more words, she talked about the people she mentioned. I was angry and upset. I still am. I snapped at her, afraid of what she would do to me.
"Just go away. I don't know who your friends are."

Go away.

Just go away.

"Are you a murderer?" She pressed, and I was scared that I would lash out. I am. I told her it was an accident, that I didn't mean to kill. I built myself around that first kill, early on. I bragged about it, to make Asa respect me, and to make Pearl and Barney fear me. I needed to be big, because in reality I am so, so fragile. But it was murder. I am condemned.

It haunted me. I had ran, of course, and now I am here. But that girl's words stayed with me. Murderer. Did she mean to cut me so deep? Was it a psychological attack? I don't know. I can't tell. Pearl sleeps like none of this matters, like we aren't in a warzone. I envy that. We are in an environment where you can't sleep, you just sort of collapse from exhaustion.

I give up trying to break down the cave wall, and instead I break down myself. Sobbing into the dirt. I am everything I strived not to be. I am a fraud, who pretended to be tough and emotionless, and now it's catching up to me. I've got to keep that omen off my back. Karma will kill me, and I wouldn't even blame it. I am ashamed of the things I have done to survive. It wasn't meant to be like this. It wasn't-

"Hmn?" I wake in the middle of the night. Night? I assume it's night, because I passed out and woke up a few feet from Pearl, who is still soundly asleep. We don't even alternate a night watch anymore. There's only two of us now and we're both so fucking exhausted. We need all the sleep we can get now that there's only seven people left. Only seven? Ripred. Who's left? Pearl, myself, that girl from yesterday, the two people she mentioned, and Galaxy? Who does that leave? The big guy who tore us apart earlier in the Games. Can't remember his name. Doesn't matter. I'm done playing around now. I gotta get out of this arena. I'm getting cabin fever and it's driving me mad.

I look to Pearl. I'd take her with me, heck, this girl and I have been through hell together. I just. Her chances of survival are better without my treasonous actions reflecting to her. Breaking out of the Arena is seen as rulebreaking, and Gamemakers don't take to well to rulebreakers.

I've made my mind up. I don't know how, or where to start, but I'm going to try and find a way out of this cave. What's the worst they can do? Kill me? Tch, please. They're already doing that. I kneel by Pearl. My friend.
"Goodbye." My eyes sting, but I do not shed tears. I have to be strong. I have been weak and cowardly for so many days, but now I have to be strong.

This is something I have to do by myself.

With my backback slung over one shoulder and my sword strapped diagonally across my chest, I set off. Initially, I follow the breeze, but I soon lose it and have to rely on guesswork. My nightvision goggles aren't in as good condition as five days ago, but it's better than being totally blind.

Tunnels and caves, twisting like something organic and living. Always seeming to change, like a Gamemaker is cruelly flicking a switch to move me where he wants me to go. That wouldn't surprise me. I am led onwards through the abyss, until I reach familiar surroundings. The huge chasm in the ground tells me I am at the place that the feast was held yesterday. Great, I've gone in one massive circle and ended up doubling-back on myself. I grind my teeth, pressing onwards across the narrow rock bridge beneath my feet.

Movement. Ahead.

Another Tribute. Dark haired. Not Pearl. At this stage, I am so far past helping people. I'm getting out of this arena, but I'm done trying to reason with other people into coming with me. I'm done with the peace talks and ceasefires. I'm getting out of here alone. And right now, this girl's in my way.



[Patricia Valfierno attacks Cha Leviane, Bone Sword]
Xljz3CZCsword
[-]

and if it's true
i will surround you
and give life to a world
that's our own

word count: --, graphics: rook
theme: goodbye to a world by porter robinson