not a cave, a tomb {trix/galaxy}

{ p a t r i c i a v a l f i e r n o}

thank you, i'll say goodbye soon
though it's the end of the world
don't blame yourself

I do not sleep that night. How can I? Night is day, and day is night. It's not even a cycle anymore, it's just one long line and I can't see where it ends. I spent some much time thinking over and over, tossing and turning on the bedrock for hours. I convinced myself that I was not a bad person. I lied to myself in saying that I wasn't a murderer, just someone who had killed on accident. I believed myself. I was comfortable in moving forwards.

Yet did I ever really believe it? With one sick realisation everything went to shit, and I confirmed what I knew all along. There is no way out of this arena. There is no glitch in the forcefield, no exit to the cave. There is no escape clause.

The only way out is to kill every single living person in here.

I think I knew that, deep down. I was ignoring it the whole time, always looking for an alternative. Back in Five, that was how we kept going. When our backs were to the wall, and some brute stood over my little sister with a hungry look in his eye, I would always find a way to keep going. I would always find something. Never murder though, I never killed someone for her. We hurt people, manipulated people, but we never took their lives. There was always another way.

Not here though. Not when an oppressive regime has forced you into a controlled environment and is physically forcing you to kill. I say I am not a murderer, because I have no choice in it, or because it was not intentional, but that doesn't wipe it away or make it alright. People are dead at my hand. I'm done lying to myself. I killed that girl on the first day, and I didn't even care. I did it to impress Asa Reau, and to scare Pearl. I killed for the acceptance of Careers. It ate away at me, day by day. The girl's death made me question whether I deserved to keep going. Made me question a lot of things.

And I'm stick to my stomach now. Days gone by, I've endured so much. I'm tired, but I can't sleep. I'm know these caves, but I'm lost. I'm hurting, but I feel so numb. I am a contradiction. Is that a human thing to be?

I wipe away tears, sniffing to myself in the dank corner of a cavern chamber. I need Pearl. I need her to hold me and tell me I'm not a bad person for this. That's what she would say. She'd assure me that had I not killed again then I would be the one with their face in the anthem tonight. I pray she's okay, and that she will find me. If I stay in one place, she will find me again. It was a mistake to leave her.

I have never had a friend like Pearl. You can say that under the circumstances, it is strange to make friends. I say otherwise. When faced with inevitable death, what else can you do but confine in others and strengthen bonds? When she approached me in the training center all those weeks ago, I told her to fuck off.

"So why don't you fuck off back to your little Career pack, huh?"

So self-centered. So ignorant. I am astounded she took me in. Maybe she liked my temerity in the circumstances. Ripred knows it's kept me alive. If you're weak of character, you're dead by now. At least I stayed true to myself in that aspect. I just hope she is okay without me. Leaving was my decision, my own selfish decision to get out of this Arena. Of course, there isn't a way out. Never was. Just a cruel trick by the Gamemakers. I was naive. Now all I want is my friend back.

Green light soaks me, and I want to drown. Cha's face glares at me for half a minute. I stare her down, before she vanishes forever. Cha Leviane. I stabbed my sword right through her eye, and watched her stagger back. I didn't even fucking hesitate. I saw her, and killed her in one sharp movement. She didn't go limp. It was like my sword hadn't even touched her. She just stumbled backwards, stunned, before tripping into the abyss. The cannon still echoes, ringing in my ears hours after I killed her. After feeling so disgusted with myself about the girl I killed on the first day, I went against everything I had convinced myself I was. I killed someone and didn't blink. Maybe it was the realization. Maybe everything just felt so final that I didn't care anymore.

You care, at first. It's human to care. Now? I'm not so sure now. It gets easier, as horrible as that must sound. It's like scratching names off a blackboard with your fingernails. They just become numbers. Not even people anymore. Can't afford to think of them as people.

The next face appears.

No.

I reach out to the wall, eyes stinging and chest tight. I pause, frozen in that position, stretching towards her projection. Then, all at once, my whole body collapses and shakes violently. Loud sobs fill the cavern, shrieks and curses.

No. It's wrong, the Anthem is wrong.

My throat is raw, my eyes look away, searching for something else. For some truth. Can't be right, can't be. No. No. She's Pearl Millison. She's strong beyond words. She's not dead. Never gives herself credit, thinks she's a coward, a failure, a let-down. She isn't, she deserves the world. Compassion runs deep in her, something not inherited or taught, but something she chose to be. Not brutal or ruthless, but decisive. She was kind, and kindness is worth more than anything in this world.

She's not dead. She wouldn't just die. She would have fought, and won. I know her. I know my friend better than that. The face I'm seeing, it isn't her. Surely it isn't her. No, it is. It can't be. Please, it can't be. My arm is reaching out to her, my sobs getting weaker and weaker. Whoever confronted her, she would have killed them, right? She's Pearl. She thinks she is weak, but when instinct kicks in she is scary. She thinks she is not a killer - She thinks she is not capable of killing.

But that's fucking stupid. Anyone can be a killer, even if they don't want to be.

I'm a killer. Not because I choose to be, but because I have to be.

Please. Just don't-... Just-... I-... If I can just-... She's not dead. She isn't. It's wrong. Please just undo that face. Take it off the anthem. She's out there. Her body isn't lying lifeless on the ground. Her eyes aren't still. Her blood isn't cold. It's not-... She's not-... Please.

She is.

"NO!" I throw a punch at the wall. I cry out. I throw my arm again. My skin breaks, my hands bleed. I trip, falling to my knees. I sob. I sob until I am physically exhausted. My friend is dead. No one is left. I have no one left in here. Pearl's face vanishes from the Anthem, and I beg for her face to come back. The final face stares at me, another girl, but I scream for Pearl's face. I beg them to not take her away.

Alone. This chapter of my life is called alone. If I ever want to see my little sister again, I have to keep fighting. Alone. Pearl is dead. She's really dead. The grief hangs on me, cold and damp on my chest. I stare at the ground for a long while, for so long that I lose concept of time. I think about lots of things. Memories, actions, consequences. I should have stayed with her and kept her alive. It's my fault. It's my fault again. Barney, Asa, Pearl. All my fault.

Hours pass. The grief turns into self-loathing, and like a mountain being eroded away by time, that self-loathing turns into hatred. I direct that hatred, and find myself speaking words. Spitting vile, angry words. I find my feet. I find my weapon. I find my purpose. I leave behind my mistakes, but take with me the pain.

Again and again I speak the words, each time with more and more purpose.

"Who was it?"

and if it's true
i will surround you
and give life to a world
that's our own

word count: --, graphics: rook
theme: goodbye to a world by porter robinson