Dead Man Walking [Crusader's DP]

and the arms of the ocean are carrying me
and all this devotion was rushing over me
and the crashes are heaven, for a sinner like me
but the arms of the ocean deliver me

I remember everything that I did leading up to my death. I'd like to start from the beginning. The day of the reaping, I remained calm and kept a cool head. I told everyone my name and that I had been ready for death. My own death that is. When that little girl Stella volunteered the only thing in my mind was that she would die without my help. She did end up dying because of me. I'll get to that later. For now, I would like to tell everyone what went on in my mind leading up to my death. Stella and I became genuine friends on the train ride to the Capitol. I gave my word that I would do everything in my power to get her home. I felt better about being reaped. I now had a goal to live by in the games. Get Stella home. Little did I know that I would fail miserably in that task.

Next came the training leading up the private session. The boy from nine who's name was Animus knocked over Esme the girl from ten. All I could think of was how he was picking on someone much shorter than him. Someone he knew he could kill. I told myself to protect the innocent. Esme was one of the few I would go to any lengths for. So I confronted him along with Esme's district partner Kirk. Turns out the whole thing was a huge misunderstanding. Once the apologies were out of the way an alliance was formed. We called ourselves The Guardians. It only seemed fitting considering three of the biggest tributes in the games were allies with one of the smallest. For the first time since being chosen for death, I felt like there was a true friendship amongst us. Esme, Kirk, and Animus. All three I'd give my life to save theirs. Only I didn't. I failed to save them only I didn't know it then.

Everything leading up to after the bloodbath was hard to deal with. My session with the game makers didn't go too well. I could feel the bullseye that I painted on my back. I sentenced myself to death. The bloodbath gong sounded. All I could think of was finding my allies. Who did I forget to look out for? The girl I promised to save Stella. My promise broken within the first few minutes of being sent into the arena. Not only did I not find her, I didn't think about her until after I was safe from harm. Even worse was the fact Esme suffered nasty injuries at the hands of others. What did I do? Hardly a thing. I attacked with very little anger or self-preservation in my swings. I wasn't out to kill others so I could get out alive. My first thought had been to protect not kill. I didn't do a good job of that though. I left Stella behind. Esme was badly injured. We even hunted down other tributes. I was beginning to slip. Already losing my humanity.

The next day we ran into another alliance. During the night, I happened to get a few weapons from sponsors. Couldn't figure out why I got them. Perhaps my size convinced the sponsors that I would be a threat to win? Either way, I got a lot of supplies. Healing stuff along with a knife and sword. I could not imagine little Esme using a sword so I gave her a knife to defend herself with. Shortly after day two came around was when we fought the same people who tried to kill Esme during the bloodbath. What happened during that fight terrified me even if I didn't let anyone know. Animus' fingers bitten off by some mutt. That led to him nearly being killed. Esme of all people killed the career from one. Using the knife I gave her. My fault the that man died. I as good as landed the killing blow. I became an animal during that fight. I tried so hard to kill the girl from two. For what? I lost a piece of myself that day. Slowly but surely I happened to be losing the war waging inside my head. The desire to help versus the desire to kill.

I could not in my worst nightmares imagine the atrocity that happened during day three. What happened that day mirrored the bloodbath. Had to be at least half the tributes alive all fighting in one area. Well more like six tributes against three. Kirk, Animus, and I lost Esme during the night. I only wish we didn't lose Esme. The agony of losing yet another I promised to protect stung so bad. When we attacked the gang of tributes it was a losing fight from the get go. Either they wanted us dead or something more sinister was going on. No matter the numbers disadvantage we fought. Who did I see during the fight? None other than Stella. I remember rushing right toward her and giving her a hug. So happy was I to see her that I let my allies die right in front of me. Stella and I held hands during that fight. Near oblivious to the fight. Or so I thought. Seeing Kirk's neck get cut open by Stella absolutely frightened me. Animus died shortly afterward. All I did was stand by and watch them die. Seeing them die broke my heart into small pieces. I left Stella a second time. I gave her my family portrait to remember me by.

Not much happened the following day. Its like the game makers wanted to watch me live with the pain I brought upon myself. Not a single tribute or mutt attacked me. I had been left all alone to contemplate everything that happened. Kirk and Animus dead. Killed because of me. I might have been able to save them if I wasn't so caught up finding Stella. Maybe it would have been okay if I stayed with her. Why did I leave? Because I was afraid of what she became. A killer who ended the life of someone I called my friend. Despite all of that though there's no way I could ever hate her. No way would I allow such an atrocity to happen. To have hated Stella would kill me. Later that night an announcement about a feast would happen. I wasn't prepared for the horror I'd face.

What happened during the feast I do not know. I finally found Esme. Stella still alive. I fought by Esme's side trying to make sure she'd alive. I remember the things Mace said to me. About using his tributes for a shield. If I made it home at the expense of Esme's life, he would make sure I pay. The boy from eight murdered her. Right in front of me. Each of my allies killed within a few feet of me. I did absolutely nothing to stop it either. I could have blocked the attack or taken the blow myself only I stood there in shock. By then nearly everyone had fled the area. Both tributes from eight tried to kill me. Stella thankfully didn't and that's all that mattered that day. We still had a close bond that could not be broken. For the third and final time, I left Stella behind. If I knew that would be the last time I'd see her alive, I would have stayed with her. I'll never truly know what happened to her. Maybe she ended her life because of me. Perhaps someone killed her. One things for sure. I lost a fourth person I cared about.

Pearl Millison. The girl I killed. I don't know what happened to me. Seeing Stella's face portrayed by the anthem utterly broke me. She died and I wasn't there for her. Promise broken. I encountered Pearl sometime after the anthem. We fought a long and bloody fight. She severed my foot but in the end her life was over. Murdered by me. The agony I felt was slowly being replaced with a rage I did not think I was capable of. To have someone's blood on my conscience weighted on my mind all night. I had nightmares of killing another person. All I wanted was to find out how Stella died. If I kept a cooler head maybe Pearl and I could have talked things out. Gone our separate ways. Too rash was I. Full of anger. That would be my last night alive.

Patricia Valfierno. Another bloody fight. Back and forth the momentum was swung. Both of us matching each other's blows. For a while I had the upper hand. That's when Patricia started to talk about my friends. I already knew Esme, Kirk, and Animus died. I watched it happen with my own eyes. That left only Stella. Once again rage took control. I lost all sense of what mattered. I nearly killed the girl. Then something truly frightening happened. I saw everyone I cared for off in the distance. A vision? I saw myself standing with Kirk, Animus, Esme, Stella and everyone else that I cared for in my life. I knew right then that I was destined to die. So I dropped my sword and waited for Patricia to kill me. Shortly after dropping my sword, I was kicked right into some lake. I deserved it for killing her friend.

My life is over now.

I'm sorry Stella for leaving you countless times. Forgive me.

I'm sorry Esme for letting you die in the feast. Forgive me.

I'm sorry Animus and Kirk for not helping you guys. Forgive me.

I'm sorry Pearl. I never meant for your life to end. Forgive me.

I don't think any of them will forgive me.

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Acknowledgements.

Ems-Kousei-Rade: You three are absolutely the best allies a person could ask for. Everything was stress free between us. I loved writing with each and everyone of you. To have called you guys allies and write with you three made everything worthwhile.

Cait: What can I say? Stella/you was a big part of Crusader's development from a concise bio to written tribute. Without our characters knowing each other a huge chunk of Crusader's development would be gone. I'm thankful to have become friends with such an amazing writer.

Kay: Thank you once again for keeping me stress free when I needed it. You're always there for me when I need someone to talk to. I will forever owe you for everything you've done for me in the past year since coming on the site. Thank you Kay for being such a good friend to me.

Rook: Thank you for pushing me as a writer. We have become friends because of the mandate between us. I'm extremely grateful to have written and plotted with someone like you. Congratulations on winning man and keep up the terrific work <333.

Python: So sorry I killed Pearl. I loved her and your writing with her. To have written with you also pushed me as a writer. I truly believe a victor is in your future.

Lulaya: For GMing a very entertaining games. One that I wont forget. Thank you for answering my questions!

Sponsors: To all who have sponsored me I thank you. Each and everyone of you helped contribute to keeping Crusader alive. For that I am forever indebted to you people.

To all who I may have forgotten I apologize! Whoever I wrote with it was an honor to have so!

and it's breaking over me
a thousand miles down to the sea bed
found the place to rest my head
never let me go

word count: 1631, graphics: rook
theme: never let me go by florence and the machine