per aspera ad astra }} Cha's death

{ c h a l e v i a n e}

I can say I'll hope it will be worth
what I give up
If I could stand up mean for the things
that I believe

She was born from fire.

Ashes molded into a body, threads ripped from space sewing limb to limb and dust to dust. A hollow shell, riddled with the empty spaces of black holes, a sky without stars. The hands of her maker molded and sewed, molded and sewed, worked and worked-

And the fingertips of her creator scooped a star's last breath up into a jar and emptied it into her body, giving life to the universe inside.

_______

She dreamed that the stars fell from the sky, tearing from the ceiling of space and dropping like flies. She dreamed that one by one they all fell, and whether she was rushing towards them or they were rushing towards her she did not know, but each starry dot in the sky fell towards her, and as she watched the trails of light in the sky, shining like the paint she had used to smear the star map she once held in between her fingers, her eyes became heavier and heavier, lower and lower, harder and harder to keep open, and as the last star of the night sky teeters away from it's position, her eyes close for one last time.

She feels the burn of a star fallen from the sky singe her forehead.

Her eyes open, and a drop of water teeters from it's position, dropping down onto her forehead. It's her first instinct to check if Finn and Stella are by her side, hand in hand, soul in soul; and for a single second as she turns her body with every disjointed stardust muscle in her body the bags she stole, the bags she helped kill for look like bodies in the dirt, curled up as if loose skin would block the cold waters from seeping through them.

As if the chills of the empty caverns would not pierce through their outer armor.

As if for once she wasn't alone again.

But as another drop of water lets go of the stalagmite it once called home, whispering the words "I volunteer" as it falls and splatters to her cheek, she's reminded that, once again, she is alone.

They left her to watch over boulders and her own loneliness, they left her clinging to her bags instead of the air they breathed and they left her with nothing.

He even took her star map with him.

And her fingers still curl around the pocket it was once crumpled in, as if some black hole will spit out the paper back into where it belongs, back into the hands of it's rightful owner.

And she knows she's angry, she has to be angry at what they did to her. But with each breath she takes against that cold, lifeless floor and each time her tears blend together with the water droplets cast onto her face she comes closer to the conclusion that she's searched for ever since she awoke to loneliness.

She hopes that paint covered, blood covered, loss covered map helps them find what they're looking for.

Because it helped her find hers.

_______

It's something crazy

That after all these days in this dark arena

She can still feel the rope of the hammock behind her house tugging against her skin.

Her bags feel heavier that morning night day, as if the weighted souls of the stars in the sky had made their home inside it. And it isn't the fact that they're waterlogged, or the fact that her muscles ache from loneliness and exhaustion. They just feel,heavier.

She still drags them through the water, step by step, crawl by crawl and thought by thought through whatever dark passageway her mind had chosen.

And for the first time that she was thrust into the black hole of the arena her stomach twists and turns, does somersaults and tumbles in her stomach as she realizes one final, awful thing.

She wishes she'd seen the sunrise with Shelby.

Just once. Because, in the beginning she had truly believed that there was nothing good about the birth of the sun each day. And for a few starving weeks she had nearly convinced herself that there was no sunrise at all, that the mornings were just her mind playing tricks on her. And when her sister had said

"I want you to watch the sunrise with me."

She had waved it away. Not for another time, not for later, but for never. And it is not a regret she has now, or some sudden deep realization (because her mind has already been past that)

Its just

A wanting.

Her tongue plays war with the bottom of her teeth, rubbing against them again and again just so she can make sure it's still there. Avox. That's what she had told the game makers, when she realized that everything

the white robes

the falling

had pieced itself together, that it had finally made sense, thats what she had said the instant before her tongue detached from her body and her reason for going to these Games had left as well. So why, then, had she bundled up every bit of star nap filled memories she had and gone into the darkness of the light?

And she realizes, as each step drowns her foot in the tears of tributes, that she doesn't know.

And she's okay with that.

And her hands tighten around her spear.

And for the first time since they left, she smiles without the stars staring back at her.

_______

"It's so quiet in here."

She thinks, walking next to the black hole of the abyss, her torchlight illuminating the wide open cavern she was in. Like a star. Just like a star, she thinks. Because she's still burning, a bundle of flames mixed with humanity, a never ending light source. 

Once, Shelby had told her that all stars die. That they all run out at one point and that they eventually just blink out of existence, gone as if they'd never been lit in the first place. And she'd refused to believe it, because in all those years that she'd skimmed the galaxies above her, memorizing each constellation, each twinkling ball of light not once had she ever seen one just go like that, never had she ever seen a star swallowed by the darkness. She had said that they were too bright for that. That something that bright could never be diminished.

But now, she wasn't so sure.

Because as she looks back at it all, at the tributes and the mutts and everything that had gone on over these days, she thinks she's seen a lot of stars die.

First came Shelby's, as her shaking hands twisted a star map onto the table in front of her and as she'd counted the ripples it'd made in the glass she'd watched felt the stars inside of her eyes twinkle one last time, before they died completely. 

And then came the first anthem, as the cannons boomed and the anthem made a musical out of it. She saw stars inside of the tributes in the skies, and for the moment of comfort it provided it turned into an eternity of disturbance as their faces dissolved from the stars, fell to the earth in a fiery display of death and regrets. 

And it only continued from there.

Stella pressed metal to flesh and split open neck, and she watched it die.

Finn murdered a young girl in hot, boiling blood and she watched it twinkle and die. 

So many balls of light in the darkness. They'd circled around the cornucopia the first day. A galaxy of their own. 

But then

One by one they blinked out of existence, going down in whatever burning glory the arena provided.

One by one they fell. And to think, she'd have never believed stars died a month ago.

_______

Her hair burns brighter than the flame in front of her. And even though the cold, dark, and deathless chill of the arena molds her every breath into frost and cool in front of her, she can feel her warmth.

They'd toppled on the ground a day earlier, when she'd fled the fight with nothing but pain and isolation clinging to her back. And the red head, fire locked girl had chased after her, brandishing something sharp in her hands, something that could swallow a whole star and still be hungry.

She'd thought she was going to die in that moment.

But her flesh pushed metal away, and for a few brief moments she'd spoken with her.

and "Are you a murderer?" had revealed whatever it's ugly head was. And truly, she had meant it, because she had never thought a murderer would refuse to kill.

Perhaps thats why she didn't consider herself a murderer, because she hadn't killed anyone.

But she watched a flame grow dim as the girl sprinted away, her question hanging in air before crashing like a comet to the dark, cold ground.

And that had been all.

But now, she saw light again, something other than her own and as she watches her come into her vision she does not reach for her spear but instead

"Are you a murderer?"

Perhaps killing had nothing to do with it.

Because she'd killed lots of things. Her sistership with Shelby, her relationship with Finn and Stella. She'd killed it all, and as instinct takes over and her spear finds it's way into her hand she realizes one 

horrible

cold

thing.

"Am I a murderer?-"

And she cried streaks of silver.

The world did a handstand, and down became up and left became right and even though her hand goes to her eye as she feels something so terribly warm rush down her face she knows somethings missing. And the world spins like she's on some sort of wheel, folding in on itself as she stumbles backwards from the spot where her star flared.

The ground leaves her.

And she

falls

Into the darkness, that horrifying and cold darkness that her torch had illuminated. The stardust in her brain rises and falls, and as wind pulls and tugs on her hair and as her limbs flail in a desperate attempt to become wings and as she feels the darkness close close close in on her 

time slows

And the world readjusts itself, and all thoughts of Shelby or Finn or Stella leave her mind. 

And it becomes her, just her and this black hole.

But she'd always thought of it as painful, being sucked into a black hole. But this, this is not pain. This is not pain, 

it is ecstasy.

And even though she feels her blood whipping into the air pulling her down she does not feel pain or fear or shame. She feels-

She feels the stars.

And she sees them, too.

At first they wriggle, moving slowly but delicately but she knows oh yes she knows what they are. because as her body falls oh so slowly and as her vision blurs she watches them pulsate and grow, kindle and grow 

and grow

and grow

And even though she cannot see it, she feels her feet become stardust once again, and she feels the dust rise and return to whatever rightful owner she came from. Avox, Herself, she wonders what will be next for a brief moment before she realizes that in all her life, she had never dreamed of becoming a star. And this dream felt wonderful.

The stars brighten and swallow her whole. Somewhere in the distance theres a big boom

"It must be a star exploding.." She thinks.

Her body becomes stardust, and as she takes one last look at the stars around her she smiles.

"Maybe theres a sunrise after all."

The light twinkles and dies.

_______

She was born from fire, a flame kindled and extinguished before a phoenix rose from it's own ashes. It spread it's wings and cawed once, before it became her, fire surrounding her like a coat, and her first good look at the stars and all the wonder they held.

But something tells her

That this time

The phoenix won't be rising again

What am I here for?
I left my home to disappear is all
I'm here for myself
Not to know you, I don't need no one else

word count: 1,951, graphics: rook
theme: The Artist by Santigold