eating away ✞ elverum

Pestilence / resting silence -- goddamn, goddamn, goddamn, it's beating, my techno-heart, it's bleeding and pumping and crying and yelling and tearing, and I can't feel my own fingers when I see her fall, my throat rips like the synced-booming of the cannons; Velocity, Velocity Ve-low, site-y. I say her name against my lips once again. Velocityvelocityvelocity, I see her fall, our kingdom, my people, the only person I ever gave a fucking damn about, she crumbles into the sand below, through the clouds at our feet like the comet she is. Her head explodes, my heart the same, blood is everywhere there's so much blood, oh god oh god ohgodhohgodplease no, let her be, let her 

be.

Behind the beat, drugs on drugs in fires in s k i e s -- how to breathhow to breathhow to remember of how to forget because heavens, do I need it, I held her head above mine as I clenched into her shoulder, niles fleeing from my eyes, swords can't hurt me now because for a second I am an angel, I am platinum and she is bismuth (she whispers something, a name, an element, I place bismuth in my hands because I want to forget, but I never can, and I never will; it'll just act just like each of us

it'll just f a d e.) 

Wings, why oh why -- they show up, the other three she surrounded herself with and they'll kill me, they didn't see the blonde that crushed her skull, just the blond that crushed his own; I ran. Forever and forevermore, I had to leave Velocity and rush with my own skin peeling against the cold, it burns, so fucking bad, to leave the only thing I had in my soul, to rip that wound open again after Axton, Saffle, Duncan, it's just repetition, a pattern of losing and gaining and healing and ripping and losing and gaining and healingandrippingandgainingandhealingand r i p p i n g, but I don't know how much I can take; how many more times my lungs can inflate while everybody around me leaves just like the snow in my hair.

Five, f o u r, three -- it's ending, the world around me and I feel that only I know. 

Bombshelters, angel abuse -- a saber takes my heart, the feeling of absense because for longer I am no more; I am no Elverum, I am no brother, no family, no favorite, for every second I breath the cold in and for every second I near igloos, I am just a catalyst of burning hope. I am a catalyst of the world around me, because everything is just rotting, falling from the seams as my skin tears apart, just a body in a village of souls. 

Justified law, practice by nature -- there's that familiar ticking, haunting me from the death of her, my only breathing companion left, except it isn't my own demise; it isn't some futile attempt at stringing together the life lines on a wire just to be sane enough to count the seconds left. It's metal on skin, cold burning through my skin, it's, it's-

Sanity.

Liquor, and a coat, and for a second I take refuge in nothing more than the bottle and the fur. For a second, I felt as if maybe being sane was insane, that every attempt at sobriety was a fool's attempt at living, but I shut it - the opening of my bag as I throw the drink inside. I wrap the coat around my soul, the center of my leaking to try to refill that hole, to complete that circle of losing and gaining and healing and ripp- (I will not rip again.)

It's cold -- fuck this, I run into one igloo.