albany kingswell {district eleven}

Ma was always tellin' me my Pa was a real bad man. That he was sentenced to the fiery pits o' hell once he kicked the bucket an' I was lucky not to know the likes a' him. He was dirty an' disgusting an' she'd never let him hurt me. Ma promised an' she had these sharp eyes with a pinched nose an' sinkin' cheeks; had these black glasses that rested on the bridge o' her nose that demanded I believe ev'ry word she done said. I did for a long while. Hated my Pa with an unholy passion. I sat on my Ma's lap ev'ry Sunday and listened to the nice Preacher man sing pretty tales and staple 'em to my forehead real gentle. If I was a good boy like Ma asked, she'd let me be the one t' drop the crumpled up bills into the basket after the sermon. 

I liked doin' that 'cause the Preacher would smile all wide an' toothy an' thank me like I was the most important kid in the world. I didn't get t' feel like that often. Ma didn't mean to make me feel like I din't matter, I think. She was busy and the like, makin' all the money after my father was off bein' an asshole or whatever fathers who leave their families do. I couldn't make friends real easy in school, always stuck out like a bit of a sore thumb. Tall for my age an' all, but with a face that looked like it belonged to a baby. Ma would pinch my cheeks when I came home, eyes all red from salt an' she'd tell me I was the prettiest boy 'round an' I shouldn't listen to what the other kids said. 

My first friend was a little girl named Maggie. God musta taken a marker to her face 'cause she had real pretty spots all over her cheeks an' forehead. Just a bit darker than the rest've her skin. She always got more've them durin' the harvest season. They bloomed 'cross her skin like the flowers in the fields, turned her brown hair the same color as wheat. Then when the dark grey clouds came 'ver the blue skies they ran away, faded into her skin an' waited for summer to come. I liked her skin 'cause it was alive like that. She was the seasons, changin' alongside 'em.

We were inseparable, Maggie an' I. Walkin' around the fields hand n' hand. Ma was real happy when she saw that. Said me an' Maggie were gonna get married one day, the way we were actin'. An' the older I got the more I believed what she said. I loved Maggie, I reckon, loved her like a brother would love his sister. An' I told my Ma that, asked her if it was okay for us to get married if I didn't love her like a man should love his wife. Ma just told me I was a silly little thing, ran her hand through my hair an' pulled me into her chest. 'Course I loved Maggie like I should, I was just too little t' realize. 

An' I believed her 'cause I always believed my Ma.

It was her that I cried for when Maggie an' I turned twelve an' she started dating Marcus from down the street. Ma was angry at me for not makin' her mine before him but I felt nothin'. I felt all empty watchin' him walk around with his arm 'round her shoulders. My heart did all kinds a' somersaults when she told me jus' what a kiss was like. An' I got a kind of burning in the pit of my stomach whenever they were hangin' out with me an' he was bein' sickeningly sweet. When he treated her like the shiniest piece of gold in a pile. I asked Ma about the feelin' an' she smiled all sad, told me I was jealous of Marcus for gettin' Maggie before me but I knew she was wrong 'cause I didn't want 'er. I knew I didn't want Maggie like that an' she din't want me. That's why we were best friends an' the like. 

But just sometimes I wondered what it'd be like t' have someone's arm 'round my shoulders.

Maggie an' Marcus an' me were inseparable come our first reaping. I remember we were all shakin' in our boots, scared somethin' awful because they decided only to take the youngins. Oh, Ma was furious an' a little scared I think. She was yellin' at me 'bout the injustice of it all. Sendin' babies off to war like they do. Said I better not be the tribute 'cause she couldn't live without her little boy. She grabbed my shoulders so tight that it stung an' I cried out 'cause I needed her to let go but she din't. Don't leave me, baby boy. She whispered all sweet an' pulled me into her chest so tight I couldn't tell her I din't really have the choice if they pulled my name.

I don't think I woulda been half as scared 's I was, had Ma not told me she needed me. 'Cause I was the man of the house an' all. Ma thought all women needed a big strong man to take care of 'em. Like Maggie had Marcus. (I din't bother tellin 'er that Maggie was the one takin' care of him.) But I wasn't big or strong an' I din't know how to take care o' her. But I din't tell her that either.

I was shakin' so bad come reaping time that Marcus said I looked like I was gonna faint. An' when I told him I just might he slipped his hand 'round mine an' squeezed it real tight. He told me it'd all be alright. An' we stood together in a sea o' twelve year olds while they drew the names. 

We coulda died there but I never felt so safe.

Maggie started gettin' real distant after that. Left Marcus n' me waitin' on a park bench for a good hour on his thirteenth birthday n' it was real cold too. The skies started cryin' before we finally headed back t' his bunk. His Ma and Pa were real nice, treated me like I was their baby boy too an' I always 'ppreciated the sentiment. (Though Ma wouldn't have.) She'd get angry had I ever loved anyone else as much a 'er. She was the needy sort I s'pose. 

I turned thirteen 'bout two months before Marcus an' I guess he looked up t' me cause've that. He done told me that he was thinkin' that Maggie din't love the both of us anymore 'cause she got better friends who dressed in pretty pinks an' painted their nails. An' I could see his heart breakin' through his chest 'cause even though we were just kids I think he loved her in the way a man should love his wife. I din't understand that feelin' but I guessed it was somethin' similar to the flutterin' my heart would do whenever Marcus looked at me for too long. 

He slipped his hand into mine again that night an' squeezed it real tight while my clumsy fingers traveled up an' down his back. Tryin' to calm the heartbroken boy down best I could although there was some kind of stupid  leapin' in my stomach that made it hard to be anythin' but giddy that night. I was wired a bit wrong, I guess, 'cause I'm always feelin' things I shouldn't. 

Maggie an' Marcus kept dating for a while after that. An' at least once a week we'd all meet up an' talk an' it'd be like nothin' ever happened. Until she started shyin' away from Marcus' kisses an' I knew it was over but he couldn't accept it an' Maggie couldn't break his heart. Marcus was like glass, a real fragile boy who's cry if the wind blew too hard. An' sometimes he ran away from home if his parents yelled too loud or if his Pa hit his Ma like he sometimes would. He'd end up at my place those nights, all curled up on the bed while I took the floor. An' he said his Daddy was goin' to hell for the way he treated his Mama an' I smiled all bright 'cause mine was too an' just maybe they'd be friends down there like we were up here. It was nice thinkin' they weren't gonna be alone. 

I was thirteen n' three quarters when it happened. We din't hang out with Maggie at all anymore but we spent every wakin' minute of that week together an' we started holdin' hands on the regular just 'cause it felt real nice to. An' sometimes when people weren't lookin' he'd put his arm 'round my shoulder and I'd press my head into the crook a' his neck an' we'd just stay like that. Only talkin' to fill the peaceful silence. 

An' I was real scared that we were doin' something wrong 'cause Marcus always said we had to be real secret about it. He said my Ma an' his parents wouldn't approve of us bein' so close but he never said why. I understood though. I was wired all wrong 'cause I was pretty sure I loved Marcus in the way a man should love his wife. 

We were sittin' in his room on Friday when I said it. I'd been thinkin' real hard for a long time. Ponderin' how it'd work, who'd take care a' who. Who'd be the Ma an' who'd be the Pa. Who'd be the head a' the house if we were both guys? I din't even know it was possible to love a boy in the way I loved good ol' Marcus. But I came to the conclusion I din't care how it turned out. I din't care who was the Ma or the Pa or if we were both gonna be Pas or both gonna be Mas. I just wanted to have him like Maggie had him. An' they were as good as broken up 'nyway even though they ain't made it official yet. 

I grabbed his hands an' I squeezed 'em real tight. "Marcus." I done said, all quiet an' shy 'cause my heart was crawlin' up my throat. "Marcus I been thinkin' real hard 'bout you an' me. An' I love you. Like, like how a Pa should love a Ma." 

His eyes went all wide an' he got up real quick, he grabbed a desk chair an' stuck it under the handle of the door before grabbin' the collar of my shirt real rough like. An' he kissed me, hungrily, like a beast that ain't ever ate a good meal in 'is life. He din't even say anything for a long while. He just moved his lips real fast against mine, pinnin' me to the carpet with his hands on either side a' my shoulders. I din't know what t' do at first. I just sat there real quiet an' confused before the world finally made sense an' the whole of my body reached a million de-grees as I kissed him back. 

By the time we was done my hair was all tousled an' stickin' up in odd places. My lips were a bit red, puffy 'gainst my fingers as I traced them. "Me too." He told me, grinnin' the biggest grin I ever did see and pullin' me into a hug. "But we can't let 'em know okay? Keep it a secret, Al, it's better for ya." 

"But I want 'em to know! I want 'em all to know you're mine Marcus."

"Albany, baby, it can't be like that okay, you ever pay attention durin' church?"

"Nah, they say the same thing 'nyway." 

"Then just trust me, Al, it's for your own safety."

An' I took his word for it 'cause I din't think Marcus would lie t' me. I din't understand the urgency in his tone or why he was shakin' so bad when he fixed his hair in the mirror an' wiped my kisses off on his sleeve 'fore goin' an' tellin' his parents that I was gonna spend the night. I just believed him 'cause you were supposed t' trust the people you love an' I loved him more than anyone in the world right then n' there.

He broke up with Maggie the next day an' just like that Maggie n' Marcus n' me just became Marcus n' me. But I found myself not mindin' that fact at all.

It was 'is fourteenth birthday. An Marcus was the real nervous sort though I couldn't think o' why. He was sweatin' something awful, heart racing like it did when we'd been kissin' too long. An' we'd be datin' for a long while, sharing kisses an' hugs in secret an' actin like friends when other's eyes burned into our flesh. No one cared. No one knew.

An' I guess we got real careless on his birthday 'cause Marcus was so nervous. 'Cause he done grabbed my shirt and slid it over my head; runnin' his hand along my stomach in a way that sent shivers all the way up an' down my spine. I understood real well why he was so nervous then 'cause I found the same nervousness creepin' up my throat when I looked at him.

It was real sweet, what we did. Exchangin' I love yous all the while an' talkin' real quiet in the bed, huddled under the sheets an' laughin'. But maybe we was too loud an' maybe we forgot to stick the chair under the door handle 'cause they were yellin' at us real fast. His Ma and Pa throwin' me out of the house by the collar o' my shirt an' tellin' my Ma that I was a sinner an' that I done corrupted her son real bad.

I wasn't Ma's little boy after that. After she done saw what I was. She looked at me with real dark eyes an' shouted words I din't understand. An' she said I was goin' to hell. Goin' to hell like my Pa an' like Marcus an' that was all my fault. I sent Marcus t' hell with my sins an' I felt so guilty that I din't argue when she locked me in my room an' went to talk to Marcus' Ma an' Pa.

They decided we weren't allowed t' see each other. That me an' Marcus were broke up an' that we hated each other even though I cried n' begged Ma to let me see him. An' Ma took me out of school for a long while, threw a bible in my face an' made me read the parts where it said men weren't s'posed to lie with other men, An' she reminded me just how damned I was 'cause I did jus' that an' I was gonna burn in hell forever an' ever now. 

But Marcus beat me to it. Ma was so gleeful tellin' me that my friend was gone, that he wrapped a rope 'round his neck an' jumped off a chair. An' his parents were real torn up about it but Ma just made me tell her where Marcus was sittin', waitin' for me.

"That's right, Al baby, he'll see you again. Oh I'm sure you little sinners are gon' have a grand ol time down in... where is it again?"

"Down in Hell, Ma." 

"Damn straight."