Tael Barkley {D11}

Hell's gotta be a big place to fit all the sinners. Bigger than the whole District because Ma says there's a world of sinners, thousands of people who ain't followin' our ways. "Our way is the old way and the right way," Ma says, and that's why our community is so small. We got a lil' corner of the District to ourselves with a church in the middle. I'm one of the richer folk. We ain't ever had a problem with gettin' food on the table and havin' nice clothes. We even have horses, and every Saturday we let people come and ride em'. It's great for the church kids, and my folks use it as a way to talk with the other parents about religion and adult life. Pa's a business man so he probably talks about all that stuff with the other workin' men.

At the church I do a lot of singin'. I sing about God and righteousness every other week and Ma is always hecklin' me about practicin'. She's real proud of my voice. Pa doesn't give a darn about my voice, he just wants me lookin' sharp when I'm standin' in front of everyone, says I gotta look like a well-dressed gentleman. That's where we started seein' different. They've always been dressin' me up the way they want, and it ain't what I wanted. So one day I asked Ma to let me buy my own clothes. When she asked why I said I ain't gonna be a teen forever, one day I'm gonna be an adult and I gotta learn to shop for myself. She smiled and said "Lookit you bein' independent, my little man."

She got all mad when I came home with pink and purple tight-fit shirts. "Pink is a girl's color," she said, and she was glarin' at me real hard. I told her that pink was my favorite color and it made me look good. "No it isn't and no it don't. You're a man, not a woman. You're returnin' those clothes right now."

I got out of it by tellin' her it was 'bout to rain, and it was. She told me to return em' tomorrow after school. Next mornin' she dressed me up like she always did but then I brought a change of my new clothes to school and switched 'em out. Few of the girls told me they liked my shirt. I told 'em thank you. We ain't got a school for just the church kids so we go to the normal school, where most the kids don't have parents like mine. When I told 'em the old ways they looked at me funny and said it was weird. I lied to 'em and told 'em I didn't believe it for real.

I don't think I was lyin' all the way.

My folks say I'm supposed to get married to a woman some day. That's how God makes children. In class we learned 'bout how the body works to do that kinda thing and everyone was gigglin'. We were all twelve and thirteen years old tryin' to figure things out. Boys were holdin' hands with girls in the hallway, sayin' that their bodies got all warm and tingly when they thought 'bout girls. I ain't ever felt that way about a girl. First time I held a girl's hand I felt weird, and not the good kinda weird. I didn't wanna do it. When I told her I just wanted to be friends she smiled and said that was okay because she liked another boy anyway.

We were friends after that. Her ma invited me over for sleepovers. Boys slept in another room of course, but that wasn't ever a problem for me. Her and her friends taught me how to braid hair. I was real good at it.

My first kiss was durin' a game of spin the bottle. One of the church boys was there playin' too, and when two girls kissed he made a face like he was suckin' on a lemon. I know it's sinnin' and all, but I thought it was real cute. They were gigglin' and smoochin' and there ain't nothin' wrong with two friends havin' fun. Then when I spun the bottle it landed on him and he said "I ain't kissin' no boy! That's a sin!"

I rolled my eyes. "God ain't gonna punish ya because of a game. Just pray it away later, he'll forgive ya." Not that I wanted to kiss him for real - he was a jerk, but I can't deny that he was cute, and I ain't ever kissed anyone before. I had to double dare him to finally kiss me and when it happened it was real short. He wiped his mouth like I was some disgustin' creature. I ain't gonna say that I liked it a lot (I've had better since then), but it was real nice havin' his face so close to mine. It made my cheeks warm up.

Things have been changin' since then. When I was fifteen I gave up tryin' to like girls because it ain't me. I started findin' boys like me and we found lil places to hide and fool around. It wasn't anythin' but hands and lips till last year. I was gettin' impatient about "findin' the right guy" so I finally put out. His name was Percy.

Now I've lost track of how many boys I've fooled around with.

I know my parents would hate me if they found out, so I got me a fake girlfriend. She's just a friend of mine who likes boys but ain't interested in me. She says I spend too much time on my hair and she's right, my folks have noticed too. "Tael, you spend as much time as a woman does on your hair," Ma is always sayin'.

"I like to look good, Ma,"

"For who? Dixie don't care about your hair, you're already together."

"It ain't for Dixie."

Dad doesn't like it either. He's always tellin' me to do manly things like play sports. I don't like to get all sweaty and wet so I just sit in the shade, but whenever Ma hears me disobeyin' she slaps me across the face with her book like the words are gonna fly into my head. She ain't so bright and she knows it. She knows I'm smarter and she don't like it. She's always been quick to anger and I get slapped for it. I can't be talkin' outta line, sayin' curse words or anythin' like that. I gotta be a good boy.

I ain't a good boy. I sneak into the church at night to fool 'round with boys and I lie about havin' a girlfriend. It's the same church I'm singin' in and nobody has any idea what I'm doin'. I'm goin' against the words they preach and I ain't got any regrets. If God is kind then he won't want me in Hell. He'd take my folks instead, because when the drought hit they closed the doors to everyone and wouldn't help 'em. We had plenty of money and water and food but they said it was "God's will" if anyone died. Lots of people hate us for it. Lots of people died when we could've saved 'em.

It was murder, and that's somethin' the devil would do.