SLOANE SAVAGE || DISTRICT ONE

14

"You'll like it," she says. She doesn't leave much room for argument, she never does. My Mother has always insisted that everything be her way. None of our opinions matter, they are merely inconveniences. I don't bother with a reply, just a dull nod of acceptance. There's no point in arguing.

I don't know where we're going. We were at my Father's offices just now, I'm pretty certain at least. things are always hazy for me, like every moment is a waking dream, inconsequential and insubstantial. My body is achy and tired but I haven't got a fever or anything. Not that I know of. I almost ask my Mother if she knows what's wrong with me before I remember. She does. That's why I'm tired and achy. The electric shocks. They were yesterday. I was so tired from them that I slept at my father's office last night because that's as far as I could get before I collapsed. I'd like to go home and shower. I want to curl up in a little ball and never climb out of bed again. Elisa reclaimed Princess Angelica, my stuffed rabbit from my mother's hiding spot about a year ago. She helps me sleep but it isn't much better.

The headaches are the worst part.

They started when I was eleven, small at first and then all of a sudden they would hit me like a jacked up career on the football field. I can't do anything when they come but lie still, lie so still that I barely breath and hope that it goes away. It never really does, it's always there, a dull pounding in the back of my head, interrupting my every thought.

My hair reaches just past my ears, the bottom half of it shaved, a compromise after Eric screamed at my Mother, telling her that she was killing me and that she couldn't see past her own huge nose.

He was kicked out the night after and he said he'd come back for me and take me away from Mom but I haven't seen him for months. At least he gave me my hair back.

It's worse without Eric though. Hannah tries to protect me but Mother has always scared her. Elisa says it's because before she began to focus on me Hannah was her favourite target. She nearly starved herself to death because of Mother. I don't blame Hannah or Eric. I'm scared of Mother too.

We've been walking for a very long time when I realize that we are no longer in the nicer part of District One but the area that Eric promised to take me one day. We're at the clubs, a chaos ridden section of the district run by twelve different gangs who all have the gumption to say that it belongs to them. Since no one knows who it really belongs to, a lot of bad stuff comes out of this area. We hear the rumours at training all of the time.

I don't ask my Mother what we're doing here, I have a sickening feeling that I already know.

I slow down my steps, prolonging the inevitable. What Mother wants she gets. That's how it's always been.

"Come Sloane," she says, snapping her fingers over her shoulder at me, "This is what every young man needs to get him on the right path."

My throat closes up as weary tears fill my eyes. I'm so tired, so fucking tired. I know that she planned this, she knows that the therapy makes me sluggish for days after, she knew I'd be too tired to try and run from her here. Or perhaps too smart. She knows that I know that if I run away I'll just be punished for it later.

I want to stomp my foot on the pavement, remind her that I'm not a boy. It's futile. My older sisters and brothers are the only ones who believe me.

Everything is futile.

"Mom please," I try. I only call her Mom as a last resort, like a secret weapon, "I don't want this, I really really don't." I can't keep the childish whine that she hates so much from entering my voice and she visibly cringes in front of me. I know that it won't work. My Mother has never listened to what I wanted in my whole life.

We enter an alleyway that brings us to a hidden doorway and my Mother knocks, waiting patiently. I consider bolting again, shoving her in the door when it opens first and making a run for it. Maybe i can go find Eric wherever he is so he can take me away to live with him like he promised. Maybe my Mother will change her mind and we'll turn around and go home but the door opens and I don't push her in and I follow her inside to the darkly lit room quietly, like a good girl should.

When we're inside she hands a wad of bills to the receptionist who stares at it like it's molten gold. It's probably more than they charge by a couple hundred dollars at least. When my Mother wants something done, she wants it done right. There's no escaping this.

Hannah says that sex is really nice. She lost her virginity when she was sixteen, just two years older than I am now. One time she told me that she wishes she hadn't, that she wishes she had waited but no one had ever loved her like that boy had.

That's what I want.

I want to give myself to someone who matters.

I don't want it to be taken from me.

"Please Mom" I whimper quietly, trying to hide behind her as the receptionist comes out from behind her desk to lead me away, "I'll be a good gi-boy." I cringe at my mistake but I know that my mother's heard it. She never misses an opportunity.

"Go with her Sloane," she says sharply, no room for an argument in her words.

I glance back at her once with a pleading look as I'm led away but she's already got a magazine open in her hands, not sparing another look for me.