merlin zodiia | seven | fin

He was a boy with a fickle heart and unsteady hands and an imagination better he found better suited as his own reality. He lived within himself, thinking of the stars and the moon and of how much he wished he could be where they were and see things from their perspective. But that was not the case. He was not one of the diamonds in the sky. He was a boy of a now broken, shattered family whom everyone was waiting to see disperse from existence.

Not that it was anything new. Merlin's entire life he was coached to not do this in public and to always do that. People recognized his parents offhand from their success. Walking down the streets with his momma and pappa, he always noticed the whispers and the pointing and he never understood why they mattered so much. To him, of course, they should have mattered. He was their son, and one of the youngest they had. The others were strangers. They didn't know his parents, really, They knew their labels and their wealth and that was not everything about them.

However, when his father went missing, things changed forever.

---

"Mamma, when is Daddy coming home?"

"Merlin, he is going on a very long trip. He may not-- He may not come back any time soon."

"But Mamma, I miss him."

"I do too, sweetheart. We all do."

-----

"Does this mean Daddy doesn't love us anymore, Mamma?"

"Merlin! Of course Daddy loves us!"

"Then why won't he come back?"

"He might not... be able to just yet. But he will some day. He has to."

-----

"He's never coming back... is he Mamma?"

"No."

"I thought so."

-----

"I saw him again last night, Mamma."

"In your dreams?"

"Yes, of course. He said he loved us. He wanted me to tell you he was sorry."

"How thoughtful of him."

---

The dreams swallowed him whole. When he was bored in class, he allowed himself to drift away. Eventually he was so accustomed to it that when his grades began to slip and he needed to pay attention in order to pass, his mind refused to accept it and floated through the clouds regardless. It was unfair, if you asked him. He didn't get to control anything else: not his father, or his mother, or his sisters or brother. He should have at least had the rights to his own head. And he did, when he dreamed. He simply got to a point that he had trouble separating reality from fiction, though he always preferred his fiction.

He had to enlist the help of his sister, Ebony, to prevent failure in math. It was the least creative subject he had encountered. There was no way of picturing the numbers as some grand event in his thoughts. When he had to read stories or mix chemicals or identify organs or care for plants or cook, it was too easy to picture them in his head, to imagine the best results, to work hard so the results are achieved. Math was just number after number, and sometimes he stared at the pages until his eyes burned with tears of frustration.

But Ebony was good with maths. And she was one of the only siblings he had that didn't enjoy laughing at his expense. And he appreciated her for it.

---

"Mamma is upset with your grade in maths, you know?"

"I know."

"Are you just being lazy or do you not understand it?"

"I can't understand it, Ebony. I just stare and I get frustrated."

"I won't let you fail, okay? Just promise you'll try in your other classes."

"I will. I promise."

---

Among his expanse of siblings were Abraham, (who always made appearances in the form of a lion in his dreams,) Ally, (who always wore dresses of flowers and painted hands,) Jezebel, (who Merlin did not have to drift away to imagine stories around,) Fawn, (the artist that has often times provided Merlin with the settings of his dreams,) and Marley, (one of the key bad guys in Merlin's stories.) There are more, in fact there are twelve of them total. Twelve children, and Merlin was one of the last, not just in age.

He was just a boy with almond-shaped brown eyes and a mop of dirty-looking hair. He was a boy who would never be big and strong like Abraham, or brave like Terra, or quick-witted like Ebony. He was just Merlin, the weak.

He is the forgettable and the fickle. He is the whispers of wind while his siblings are hurricanes in summer time. He is the lamb, Abraham is the lion. He is the light, Ebony is the dark. He is timid, Marley is brave. He will never be his siblings, not any of them. And oh, how he wishes he could be.

---

"Mamma, when am I gonna be big and tough like Abraham?"

"Some day soon, I imagine."

"He says he was already big when he was my age."

"Well, the two of you are very different Merlin."

"Yeah, he's strong and I'll always the baby-face with dainty arms."

"You are strong in ways Abraham isn't."

"No. I'm not."

"You have the most beautiful imagination, Merlin. The most beautiful thoughts."

"Will my thoughts save me if I'm ever reaped?"

"Merlin."

"I didn't think so, Mamma."

---

After his father left them, the businesses remained strong. Merlin didn't think it was possible for them to shut down, not after they'd been running for so many generations. When he was old enough, he would be shipped off to work in the woods so he could feel independent, so he could work for his own keeping, but mostly so he could spend his days among the trees and the birds and the quiet, welcoming sounds of nature where clouds were replaced by leaves and grass by earth and roots. Buildings were trunks and people were animals and Merlin felt safe there. Merlin felt wanted there. So he didn't mind working, after all.

---

"Merlin, you don't have to work right away."

"I know."

"Then why do you plan on it so early? We have more than enough mon--"

"I feel safe there. Nothing is broken there. Or maybe it is, but it has rebuilt from it's ashes time and time again. It has fought the fires and won and... and--"

"And we are still burning."

"And we are still burning!"

"Well, I'm sorry. It is my fault this has all happened, after all."

"Not yours. His. It's always been his fault."

"If I had been better, paid more attention, maybe things would've been different for us all. Maybe we could be happier."

"Maybe. But maybe not."

ϟ
table by zoe