in a hologram | {the end of lex rondhal}

 

lex rondhal



i'll never go home again

I sort of know I'm going to die. There is no hope, there is no reassurance that I'll pull through long enough that Mara or Pixie can fix me. Band-aids can only do so much, fix the surface and leave the insides burning with desperation and a foulness because this isn't fair. none of this is fair: not to me, not to my sister or my parents or Mara or Pixie or Hedvig, not to any of us. But it's a game we've pretended to enjoy playing for years and years and now it's okay if I admit I am afraid -- that I was always afraid of the time when it would be my turn up to bat.

Because I always knew this is where I would be.

My brow looks better free of gold and jewels and my fingers will never feel the rope that takes me out of this place. I'll never see anyone again and I'll never get to feel the waves on my sun-kissed skin or see Leisa smile in that sort of way only she seems to smile. I'll never feel Mara breathing next to me when I sleep, or tell Pixie stories of my youth over the fire that keeps us alive, because I won't be here anymore. I'll be--

I'll be a word that is too hard for me to admit I'll be, even though I know it's inevitable. Because the fear of sleeping in a grave isn't what keeps me from giving up, but the fear of never getting to be me again -- the fear of knowing who I am is dead and gone -- that is why I struggle against death when he grips my throat. I will fight him. I will fight him today and tomorrow and for the rest of eternity because he has no right to do this to me! He has no right!

Oh, but he has every right, and he promises me things will feel better, that the pain and the blood will all fade away if I let him work and I want to believe him. This winter is a permafrost in my heart and all I want is the warmth that was never mine to lose in the first place. I want the sun and the wind and the birds and the sand. I want my home. I want my family. I want my life. I fight for my life.

But he whispers it isn't possible, and I have to believe him.

So I let go.

---

nothing's wrong
but nothings true
i live in a hologram
with you

My first thought: What if they forget me?

"They won't."

I think for a second it's me who speaks within my own mind but I see him out of the corner of my eye. I see Drace Vandel. "I studied you." I said, because I had."Ways Non-Careers Can Trick Themselves Into Your Alliances," he laughs and I smile because now it seems a bit ridiculous. "Gavin nearly fainted when he found out about it."

"You have to admit, it was a little shallow," another voice says, and I find a boy skipping over with a girl on his back. I half expect it to be Tiger Chautin, since it seems the two were practically inseparable and -- it is Tiger. I know from the curls that bounce with each step Gavin takes. She giggles and whispers in Gavin's ear. "Yeah, he's the new guy." Tiger cheers and rushes over, tackling me into a hug. "Oh my goodness how are you you are so tall!"

I know it's weird but she makes me feel safe, so I am honest with her. "I'm... okay? Given the circumstances?" "Yeah, death can be pretty upsetting." Drace says. And at the mention of the word death I am scared again because death is a real thing. Death is what I am experiencing right now and none of this can be real anyway and dammit if I am going to see some people before I die I want to see my mom and my dad and my sister and Mara not these random people! My breaths turn shallow and I feel tears stinging my eyes and a girl's voice nearly makes me fall when she speaks from behind me. "Nice, Drace, you've given him a panic attack."

I look at her through the clouds of tears because I don't care if she knows I am hurt. I am done trying to hide my feelings. I am done being a shadow on the wall because my entire life I've been the person in the back and the one who didn't raise his hand even when he knew the question and I want to be different. I want to feel. And I don't care if she knows it.

"I'm Magenta, sweetie, and things here aren't bad, I promise."

"It's true, time passes quick all the time because you're having fun all the time. I mean, Tiger, can you believe we've already been dead for two whole years?"

"As morbid-sounding as it is, eventually everyone you love will be with you. It'll happen before you know it."

Their reassurances ring through my ears and I feel like I'm going to explode and I don't want to be here I would rather be back in the cold of the arena than--

"I'm not cold anymore." I notice. My finger tips rub against one another to be sure. "I didn't... I didn't think I would ever feel warm again." Gavin and Tiger exchange a look and laugh simultaneously. "And we never thought we'd get a break from heat. But things here are, I dunno, weird. Nice, but weird."

"It's whatever you want it to be, and we'll be with you every step of the way." Magenta claims. "If you want us, that is." I look at them, all standing in a line, all wearing white, all smiling like mothers who are explaining something to their children: Drace, Magenta, Tiger, Gavin, and then more shuffle in, like Locust Lovelace, Argonite Shore, and then I see her. "Hedvig!" I rush forward and squeeze her to make sure she's real. "Hey babe. Stay. It isn't bad here. You'll like it, trust me."

Hearing it from her, seeing her lips move in promise, it's all I need.

So I grab her hand and then I grab Gavin's hand and I know it'll all be alright. I know if I let myself, I can be happy here. So I let myself.