Crane Aldalómë d12 {done}

Hey dad, look at me
Think back and talk to me
Did I grow up according to the plan?
And do you think I'm wasting my time
doing things I wanna do?
But it hurts when you disapprove all along

Papa says I look a lot like him when he was my age. I'm not sure if it's a good thing or not. But at least I know that he's papa. Nobody else can take me as a mistake. I got papa's dark hair, and it's shaggy. It always looks like I just crawled out of bed. Papa likes running his fingers my hair, and he's always saying that it tangles up easily. I don't know how 'cause I don't have much to begin with. And my eyebrows are like my hair. Dark and shaggy. Strange, but it's what it is. He says I got mama's eyes though. They're dark and almond shaped. It's weird when they always say that, but I guess it is what it is. Sometimes it's hard to even look at myself in a mirror 'cause I'm covered with freckles. Papa says I'll grow out of them, but I don't believe him anymore. They stick out on my pale face. I hate them. I wish they would go away, yet I've learned to live with them. And I got mama's pale pink lips.

I don't hear very well. I wish I could hear better 'cause it causes a lot of problems. I mean, I can hear, but it always feels like someone's plugged my ears. The words are all muffled together. Papa got angry one time 'cause I kept asking him to repeat himself. I don't know what it's like to not have enough food. Mama always makes so much. At least to me it's a lot 'cause I can go to sleep with my belly full. And seeing isn't one of my strong points either. All I can see is black and white. I've never been able to see any other colors, and I'm not very muscular. Don't have any reason to have muscles because Papa says I don't need them. I don't understand why I see people out in public with wrinkled clothing on, or clothing with a lot of holes in it. My clothing is always well kept. It's clean, and it doesn't stink or anything. I'm not very tall. I only stand about four foot eight inches tall, and I weigh eighty-five pounds. I don't know if that's a good thing.

**********

Life has me curious. Each day something happens. I see things that I don't understand. People dig through garbage cans looking for food. Mama never gives me an answer. She always says to go ask Papa, and he never answers me either. Every day I venture out learning. People are frail looking. Sick, and I want to know why. I want to help them in some way, but I don't know what's wrong with them. At school I try to ask what's wrong. People just stare at me like I'm a foolish child. I ask Papa about the hunger games, and he just says it's a game. Well it's obvious it's a game 'cause of the name of it, but why do they only pick two people a year? Why not a lot of people from the district? And I ask why they look terrified when they're on the stage, but Papa doesn't tell me. All I want to do is know what happens. Why do families cry? Why do they mourn when it happens? Papa says I'll know soon enough.

I try hard to make papa proud, but he always seems distracted. I do what I can to get his attention. I do well in school. I try to keep myself from getting in trouble, but I'm a child. I want to explore and find out about life. I want him to be proud to tell people that I'm his child, but when I try hard enough I only mess up. I'm not the perfect child I want to be. Nobody can be perfect, though, unless of course you're the president of Panem. President Snow is perfect because why else would he be ruling the nation? I want to make him proud too. I want him to know me 'cause one day I'll find out what the games are. I wanna know what happens in them. It's forbidden to talk about in the house, and I don't understand it. Nothing lasts forever. I can't just stand around living the reaping age not knowing what happens. One day I'll find out, and once I find out, I can make Papa proud. I can show him that I know what I'm doing even if he disapproves.

Reading is fun. It allows me to go on adventures, and in these adventures I can get in trouble 'cause Papa isn't around to stop me. They only exist in my mind. The stories that people don't usually want to hear 'cause they're childish or foolish, but they are the same. I can fight along side the good guys knowing that they'll win in the end. I hear people saying that President Snow is a bad guy, but he's not. He's a good guy 'cause he wouldn't ever hurt the districts in anyway. At least, that's what Papa always says. He tries to keep me sheltered from everything, and I know he's hiding something. But why would he hide anything from me? Am I not good enough for him? Did I ruin life? Papa's my hero, and I want him to know that. I want to follow in his footsteps, but first he needs to be honest with me 'cause without honesty life isn't going very far.

**********

Being the youngest child has it's advantages as well as it's disadvantages. Sometimes I can get away with doing things. Mama pays a lot of attention to me. Like when it's dark out she'll read me stories when it's time for me to go to sleep. Arbrette and Aarin can stay awake longer than they let me, and sometimes it makes me mad, but at least I get to read the fictional books. Mama always personates the voices, and before I know, we're both laughing like crazy. I'll never be too old for a story from mama. When Mama's always done reading to me, Papa will come and tuck me in before turning the light off. He always sits on the side of my bed telling me that he loves me, and that he cares for me, but I'm not a baby anymore. I'm twelve. I can enter the games now. But papa says he doesn't want me to enter the games which only makes me want to enter them more.

I love playing outdoors with my friends. We'll play for a long time before the moon rises into the sky telling us it's time to go home. Then the next day at school we learn. I like going to school because it gives me a chance to learn. I like learning. I really enjoy it. Papa tries to teach me about history because he says it's important, but history is boring. I want to learn about plants and trees and how I can help people. I tried to tie a bandage on my friends arm one day after he cut it really bad, and it stopped the bleeding for a bit, but it wasn't nearly good enough. I still got a lot to learn, but at least Zax's day is trying to teach me. He says it's good to know, and that I might need to know it one day, but he won't tell me why, and I want to know why. Why are they keeping things from me? I watch the games. I know what they are, and they aren't nearly as bad as people are making them out to be, right?

One time I was outside running around with Zax, and we went far away from my home. Papa was so mad at me, but we had fun. We played tag and we talked about what we'd do if we lived outside the fenced in area. Papa says it's fenced in for a reason. That we aren't supposed to cross it or anything because it'll only cause us trouble. I know he just wants what's best for me, but I want to be perfect, and I don't want to disobey his wishes. But why tell me something? I want to grow up and be like him. Someone that everyone listens to. Is that even possible? What do I tell him when I make a mistake? I don't want him to ever hate me, but sometimes I feel like he's trying to turn me into a person I'm not. I don't want to be a robot controlled by him. No, I want to be my own being. So I just got to keep going to school and learning. Maybe one day I'll find out what he's keeping from me, but until then I'm going to try to find out myself.

And now I try hard to make it
I just wanna make you proud
I'm never gonna be good enough for you
Can't pretend that
I'm alright
And you can't change me