one last day of rage (Sax/Jeq || Day 3)

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arx
Retired Staff

2,424 POSTS

Pronouns: she/her
last seen Apr 18, 2024 20:03:20 GMT -5

literally so gay, doing so many crimes

one last day of rage (Sax/Jeq || Day 3) Oct 27, 2015 18:40:46 GMT -5

Quote

Post by arx on Oct 27, 2015 18:40:46 GMT -5

Jequirity Eckhart

♫

tired mechanical heart

I hold my violin to my neck.

If I had known that the last song I would play would be for Hannah O'Leary I would've never stopped playing. Not as her eyes closed and not as her skin grew cold. I would've played until my limbs ached, my fingers cramped, and my neck was rubbed raw by the chin rest. I would've played until dehydration had finally taken me in its firm grasp and pulled me to the ground.

Now I'll never play again.

I stare at the bow in my lap, sitting daintily... waiting, calling, singing to me—Pick me up. Pick me up, Jack. Please, pick me up. But never again will I raise the bow to the strings. Never again will I hear its music. My heart has been silenced, never again will it sing. The moment Rodrick Benstaloe of District 10 decided to come at me with his axe was the instant the last bit of myself I had been holding onto slipped away, right out of my grasp. I guess I should've held my sanity in my left hand.

I let the violin drop from my chin and set it down gently next to me. I run my fingertips over the hair of the bow before picking it up and running it over the violin strings. A discordant rally of notes is all I can create. What's you talent now, huh? I've had ivory keys under my fingers since I was 5 years old. Strings of all sorts not long after that. And I had only just begun to explore all of the instruments available to me. Now look at me—I can barely stand without help.

Crack.

I whip the bow as far as I can. I don't watch or hear it land; I've hauled myself to my feet and smashed the violin underfoot before that could happen. But no matter how hard I jam my foot down onto the frame it doesn't break. (... 9, 10, 11) Damn it, break already!

Snap.

"GAAAAAHHHHHHHH!"

I pick it up and throw it after the bow, the last note to my final song a loud squelch! only a few feet away from me. Leo is dead. Odile is dead. Paige is dead. Hannah is dead. The music is dead. I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead, I've died a thousand times now, I'm dead! So why does every cut, bruise, and break still scream for my undivided attention with searing pain? Why do I feel needles jabbing into my skull and billions of pounds of pressure sitting atop my heart? Why do I hurt? Why does it all hurt so fucking much!? Pain should pester someone else because I am slowly growing numb.

I glance down at my arm. The letters J-E-Q remain even after the people in the Capitol had done all they could to stop the scarring. Rio's ring with wings spread wide and the ring I had found amongst my things yesterday sit one on top of the other on my ring finger now. I had to pull them off my right hand before Heather's filthy mutt began to gnaw and slobber on it. I want to go home. And I don't mean to the stars with Hannah or buried beside Wyatt or Ellexias back in District 6. I mean home. Where Rio smiles at me and my sisters can poke fun at my lack of an arm and Momma Penny and Momma Lily love me no matter how many times I have screwed up.

Home.

(How does a dead girl get home?)

Two silver parachutes dance in my direction. I struggle to open them, but when I finally do I find some flint and a bar of soap, labeled with the O'Leary name. A cruel joke from the Capitol, tearing apart my recently stitched heart, twisting the knife lodged there just a little bit deeper. I close my eyes and Hannah's blue eyes stare back at me; I'm not getting any sleep again tonight. My heart twists in my chest. My knees grow weak beneath me. My throat swells shut as tears threaten to fall. I won't let them, but they try nonetheless.

I throw the flint angrily at my bag and stalk away from where Saxton and I had made our camp with the soap in hand. It's Daria's fault I smell like death itself. I will cut off her other foot and feed it to her. It's Rodrick's fault that Leo is dead and that I'm missing an arm. I will rip every one of his limbs from his body to return the favor. It's Heather's fault that Odile is dead and that I've got bird shit in my hair. I'm gonna jab my sword so far up her ass that she will regret ever existing. It's Cody's fault that Hannah is dead. So I guess I get to kill Mr. Name-Thing himself, too. And then I will figure out who killed Paige and I will slowly and ever so gently separate their head from their body. AND IF I DON'T GET SOME FUCKING SLEEP TONI---

I trip and fall face first into a shallow stream, the cool water snapping me from my fit of rage and making me gasp for air. And by the time my lungs have filled and my heart has slowed I don't even have the energy to move. I simply bring my knees to my chest and grip the soap tightly in my hand as water rushes over my feet and drips down my spine.

And I'm just so pissed off...

("There is a fine line between anger and sorrow, my sweet poison berry." Mom says, patting me on the knees as I sit on the couch with tear filled eyes. "You're allowed to be angry at your parents for leaving you on our doorstep," she continues as I stare into my lap, my hands balled together and tears staining my dress. "You have every right." She lifts my chin and smiles at me. "But you have to ask yourself--- are you mad? Or sad?" I wipe at my eyes and give a loud sniffle before a tiny hiccup escapes. "Because Mommy can't make the hurt go away until she knows which one you are." I begin to sob; she scoops me into her arms.)

...because I know it's not anger that controls my heart and soul. It's perpetual sorrow.

beats 'til the song disappears

Last Edit: Oct 27, 2015 19:51:31 GMT -5 by arx

"I run on the road, long before I dance under the lights."

grim.
Capitol Resident

1,081 POSTS
last seen Sept 30, 2020 18:45:26 GMT -5

one last day of rage (Sax/Jeq || Day 3) Oct 27, 2015 21:48:46 GMT -5

Quote

Post by grim. on Oct 27, 2015 21:48:46 GMT -5

I.WAS.PROMISED.

A morbid sense of fear rushed over me as Jeq and I ran, ran from the lifeless body of Leo. They had held us back, while the boy from ten used his own arm to smother him to death. I watched as his life was taken from him, his eyes rolling into the back of his head, his mouth open, trying to receive the one thing it had been inhaling its whole existence...air. Jeq had been covered in blood, she had a wretched scent to her. Her body was dripping with the crimson that had been leaking form her now missing arm. She would never again play a single note from her violin. I would never gain feel the warmth of her music, I would be forced to be solemn in silence, never feeling the love of a single note.

neither of us speak, afraid to make the other feel any sort of discomfort. We run in silence, I being sure that she could keep up, I knew she was in pain, I had tried to help her best I could. The bleeding seemed to take a pause, but I hadn't known the extent of the damage. We silently set up a camp, would this bitter silence be all that my ears may be capable of hearing? Would I never hear the soft lull of her voice? Or the steady beat of her breathing. Last night, when my body could not find the means to stop its shivering, its forever abyss of leaking tears, the sound of her beating heart gave me stability. The warm tenderness of her arm over my shoulder made for a comfort I had never felt before, I had always been alone.

It wasn't long before I saw Jeq poking at her violin. She would hold it to her chin, staring at the bow with contentment. She then picked up the bow, and I say it crack beneath her strength. She then stood her body vigorously stomping the violin. Until it finally concaved. I watch as she throws the instrument through the wind, landing with a lowed squeal. I had avoided making eye contact with her, I didn't understand how to deal with these sort of emotions. She was in an excessive amount of pain, and all I could do was watch. My ability to comfort those that I loved was not in existence.

Jeq is greeted by a set of parachutes, both of which are meant for her. It had looked as if one was some sort of soap, and the other was flint, I was well aware of what flint was capable of. She throws the two items to her bag, and stomps away. It wasn't until heard the slightest splash that I had felt worried. there was a creek near by, I worry that she may drown, I worry that I may lose her. I peek over my right shoulder, and there I see a truly broken sight. Jeq lays, curled in a ball her body half submerged in the creek. I feel a single stream of liquid fall from my eye. She was completely broken, and I was going to have to suck up my selfish needs, and mend her.

I pull at the scarf that is around my neck, releasing it from my body. I then walk over to Jeq's bag picking up the bar of soap. I slowly walk toward the broken girl. I feel my heart race, what if she didn't want me here, what if she knew the truth about Paige? I had hated myself, why wouldn't she?

Without much thought I step into the creek next to Jeq. I fall to my knees and lay my body down next to hers. My body was now mimicking hers, I was half submerged in the shivering water. I look to her eyes, seeing the pain that they feel. "Forgiveness always seems to hurt the most." I say. I had known she was hating herself, she was hating all of those around her, because before she had saved me, I was feeling the very same thing. After a few moments I sit from the water, returning back to my knees. With one hand I soak the tan colored scarf in the water, and with the other I get the soap bar wet. I then rub the soap against my soaked scarf, The water becomes white with bubbles.

I raise the soap covered scarf to Jeq's shoulder, rubbing the smooth fabric along her arm. Baths always seemed to calm me. Perhaps it would show her the same kindness. I continue these motions a crossed her body. I then pull my hands to her hair lathering it with soap. I wash the dirt, the blood, I wash it all away, she would soon be reborn. And without much thought, I feel a buzz begin to form between my lips. I began humming, humming a tune that could only have been made up out of my imagination. I sit here, my body half soaked, my mouth creating sounds of some nature, cleaning the girl who once had seemed so strong. But every record can skip once or twice, that had not meant that it was broken, and this girl was not broken.

S A X T O N.

NEVERLAND at ADOXOGRAPHY 2.0!

Last Edit: Oct 27, 2015 21:50:23 GMT -5 by grim.

where my demons hide.

arx
Retired Staff

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Pronouns: she/her
last seen Apr 18, 2024 20:03:20 GMT -5

literally so gay, doing so many crimes

one last day of rage (Sax/Jeq || Day 3) Oct 28, 2015 20:20:35 GMT -5

Quote

Post by arx on Oct 28, 2015 20:20:35 GMT -5

Jequirity Eckhart

♫

tired mechanical heart

Saxton Hale has seen more of the girl I am in 3 days than my family has seen in 3 years. I hate it. Not because she didn't deserve to know me or that she now had the opportunity to exploit my each and every weakness, but I owed my family more than some stranger from District 5. It was unfair of me to give so much to a stranger and never enough to my parents and sisters. They've always deserved the best; I've always given them the worst. I don't know what Saxton deserves, but I'm pretty certain she doesn't deserve whatever it is I am giving right now.

I should apologize; I was raised better than this. I'm not afraid of the words—I've finally beaten that fear into the dust and there is no going back—nor do I hate giving out apologies. But I do hate crying. And I know that the moment I move my lips will be the moment every ounce of pain, fatigue, and sorrow seize me in their arms and shake until I've got nothing left give. As if I had anything to start with. I lost all I was the instant I heard my name called at the Reaping. All that is left of the old me is what I could scavenge from Hannah yesterday. I've overdosed on empathy and found disdain instead. The harder I try to stay me, the more this place pushes back.

The Gamemakers just want me to be alone. For the first time in my entire life they want me to suffer through the a pain I have never truly understood: loneliness. And I can feel it. Slowly, but surely, as my allies crumple into the dirt and their blood stains my boots a deep red, I feel loneliness creeping closer. I can feel its talons raking over my heart, feel the walls it has built to enclose me coming closer and closer---

The pair of muddied and bloodstained boots send ripples through the encroaching darkness and splash droplets of cool water against my cheek. Loneliness slithers away, leaving my heart with a different kind of ache as my savior's knees come into my line of vision. I'm not alone. She's here. I'm supposed to say thank you. That's what you say when someone saves your life, right? But mostly I want to tell her to go away, away, far away before I decide that rage looks better on me than agony. But I don't say a word; her eyes are telling me I don't have to a single thing.

"Forgiveness always seems to hurt the most," she says, looking me in the eyes. With her face just a few inches from mine her eyes are really all I see. ~~I should kill her now before I can't do it later.~~ And despite the differing hues, I know her eyes are simply a reflection of my own. Yesterday she lost Hannah. Today I lost music. Hannah was her music. Music was my Hannah.

But I wasn't ready to forgive. I was going to fight through the pain of it until I had taken and given everything that was deserved I would do it Iwouldkillkillkillkillkill- I-will-kill-them-all I swear it, I swear---

My heart leaps into my throat the moment I feel her hands at my shoulder. Cool water soaks into my clothes, into my bones. I'm no longer consumed by the smell of rotten eggs or crusted blood but by the smell of clean, crisp water and lavender scented soap. I should protest. I'm an adult and I don't need help bathing. I don't need help, I've never needed help, not since the day I was pleading and begging for someone to save me from death as I bled out naked and shocked into silence on a table. I don't need help.

But the words never come.

I watch as blood and dirt and gunk and every other bit of sin that had happened upon my skin swirls among bubbles and foam in the stream. I don't need help. I force myself into a sitting position, but that's all I can manage without completely losing control of the tears and wretched sobs that I've been holding back since last night. I don't need help. I let her run her scarf over every cut and bruise. I shiver at the cold and watch as my hand turns from white to blue in my lap. I don't need help. I stare at my hand, the only one I've got left. (Ha, get it? It's my left hand?) I swallow the lump forming in my throat. I don't need help.

Her hands find my hair and the tiniest of sobs escapes. I don't--- A few tears slip down my cheeks. Another small racks my body. I don't need--- But as she begins to hum, hum, hum, hummmmmm a sweet tune I lose it. The last bit of control I had was being washed away by the girl with a tune on her lips and her hands in my hair.

It starts slow, then washes over me all at once. Like how people say love is supposed to be. Except I'm in agony. Little known fact about the two: they are one in the same. I don't know how long it goes on. It could've been seconds, minutes, hours, days.

"I---" I pause for a breath, finally catching a bit of self-control. "I don't---" But the self-control is gone as quickly as it came as I set back in on the weeping. It takes every bit of energy just to get the words out. I don't need help.

"I don't deserve you---" A horrible post-weeping hiccup interjects. It makes me want to cry harder. One of those childish giggles escapes instead. I'm a mess. But I finally managed to get the words to fall off my lips. "I don't deserve your help."

beats 'til the song disappears

"I run on the road, long before I dance under the lights."

grim.
Capitol Resident

1,081 POSTS
last seen Sept 30, 2020 18:45:26 GMT -5

one last day of rage (Sax/Jeq || Day 3) Oct 28, 2015 21:12:44 GMT -5

Quote

Post by grim. on Oct 28, 2015 21:12:44 GMT -5

I.WAS.PROMISED.

I watch as she sits from her position. Staring at me intently. I run the scarf along her bumps and bruises, being careful to avoid causing her any pain. If I was smart I wouldn't be trying to develop any sort of relationship with this girl. It would be easier to kill her while she was hurt, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. She was just too vulnerable. I wanted to see her face light up, I wanted to watch her teeth bare a smile, but I had known more then anyone that, that was a task that was nearly impossible.

A set of liquid forgiveness stream from her eyes. She was leaking of pain, the pain was soaking her cheeks, but this was a step to revival. She was comprehending her emotions, understanding them in a sense. My face looks to hers, trying to avoid making any sort of contact with her fragile burning heart. She was shivering, her face now covered in tears, her shoulders pulsing with each huff that crying brings. I had felt useless, how could I help, when I was just as broken?

My humming broken by a small sound that creaks from between her lips. "I.." she says. I stop my scrubbing and wring the scarf off into the river, watching as the ivory foam fumbles down the rivers edge. I look to her shimmering tear driven eyes, awaiting what she may have to say. "I don't..." she starts again. I bring my hand to her shoulder, unsure of how my touch could help her in anyway, but it seemed to be something that people did. I gently rub my hand feeling her smooth moistened skin underneath my grasp.

"I don't deserve you..." she mumbles. I feel my body jolt in shock. I pull my hand away from her shoulder, not because I was afraid of what she was about to say, but because I couldn't handle losing another piece of my heart. I open my mouth, as if I was going to try and correct her feelings, but I am interrupted by a slight giggle from her mouth. I look to her, placing what I could barely call a smile a crossed my face. "I don't deserve your help." she finishes.

I had never felt my heart drop more heavily then it had in that moment. I had come to the realization that I was not helping this girl in any way. I was simply repaying the dept that i had convinced myself that I owe. I wanted to repay the life I had taken by saving another. But it was all just a shitty front, Jeq, was not Paige. And I deserved to sink into this creek, filling it with my own blood.

I see the face of the little girl from eight flash through my mind. Remembering the feeling of my blade piercing her throat. Remembering how she grasped the handle of my spear in pain, how her eyes widened in horror. I killed a child...there was no excuse. I killed a friend of Jeq, I took her life without much thought, and now I was repaying in a useless amount currency. All of what I was doing for Jeq meant nothing, the thievery of a life could not be replaced.

I try to correct the bitter saddened look that had overtaken my face after Jeq's statement, I try to correct my reasoning for pausing ever so abruptly. I bring the scarf to Jeq's cheek, wiping away the dirt tainted tears that had fallen down it. "Well, don't go making a mess when I just started making progress." I say, smiling and looking into her eyes. But the act wasn't good enough, I couldn't even convince myself. I drop my face back to its saddened start. I run my eyes along the sleeve of my top, trying to avoid letting the tears fall that had been resting on my ducts. But without fail they begin to stream.

"Jeq...you, more then anyone deserve my help." I say, my shoulders shivering, and my heart beginning to pound. I KILLED PAIGE HOPE, I KILLED PAIGE HOPE, I KILLED PAIGE HOPE. The words would not release form my lips, so I sat in the cold of this creek, tears streaming down my face. I was ready to lose my life at the hands of Jequirity Eckhart. I could not hide this anymore. I was already too far gone. And though my mouth will not utter those four words of truth, I feel my hands grasp my face in guilt, hiding my eyes from the girl who I had once thought would never again see my pain.

S A X T O N.

NEVERLAND at ADOXOGRAPHY 2.0!

Last Edit: Oct 28, 2015 23:39:08 GMT -5 by grim.

where my demons hide.

arx
Retired Staff

2,424 POSTS

Pronouns: she/her
last seen Apr 18, 2024 20:03:20 GMT -5

literally so gay, doing so many crimes

one last day of rage (Sax/Jeq || Day 3) Oct 30, 2015 1:08:00 GMT -5

Quote

Post by arx on Oct 30, 2015 1:08:00 GMT -5

Jequirity Eckhart

♫

tired mechanical heart

I know it's only a moment—nothing compared to the 3 years I've spent with lips sealed shut—but it seems like the silence stretches on for an eternity. We're only a few inches apart, but I feel like I'm galaxies away. I look up in an attempt to close the gap and that's when I see it. I hadn't noticed it before—my own anguish and tears had been blurring and distorting my vision—but what I had thought was fortitude was actually nothing more than a façade. For me. She was wearing a mask; I see it now. The mask has fallen away from her face, her eyes gleaming with the beginning of tears that should've fallen long ago.

She tries to put the mask back on, forces a smile to spread across her face. She runs her scarf over my tear stained cheeks---"Well, don't go making a mess when I just started making progress."---my heart sinks in my chest at such a gentle gesture, which I have never in my entire life deserved, making me want to cry harder, I don't let it. I wish I could smile back at her, to return the favor. But I've never been strong enough to smile at someone else's pain. She'd have to forgive me for that; I've never been any good at wearing masks.

I see the sadness wash over her like a wave as she runs her arm over her face. I see her. As the tears fall and her face falls to her lap and the drip, drip, drip of her tears starts to fall into a steady beat, that's when I see her. No mask, no act, just the pure unadulterated ache of loss she has been hiding all day. It slows my own tears and steadies my heartbeat. The older sister in me was kicking in; I swipe at the tears on my face.

"Jeq...you, more than anyone deserve my help," she murmurs as her shoulders shiver and every wall she had built to keep herself upright today comes crumbling down. She pulls her hands to her face and my phantom arm reaches to stop her. But I've only got a stub all I've got is the ghost of a hand to comfort her.

I don't deserve her help.

But she certainly deserves mine.

I've never been any good at words, even before I feared them. So I don't even bother trying to talk to her. I know I'd only make it all screwier than it already is. So with about as much grace as a drunken man walking a tight rope I shift myself to her right side so that I can wrap my one good arm around her, pulling her to me. Because she was hurting. Because I wanted to make it better. Because I've always needed to make it better, to heal. Because I needed a hug just as much as she did. And because I know together we can get through this.

Together. The deadliest word anyone could ever use in the Hunger Games. But I was already thinking of us as...friends? It didn't feel like the right word. This felt like something more, sharing the same pain. In her I saw each of my sisters. In her I saw every orphaned girl I had played my violin for in District 6. And in her I saw a reflection of myself.

"And you," I whisper, my own voice catching me off guard. "You deserve mine." I pull her closer, hold her tighter as my eyes refill with tears. Together. No matter how unrealistic, no matter how impossible, no matter how much it will tear me apart to have to kill her (because I will, because that's what this is, because I have to go home and for that to happen she has to die die diekillkilldiekilldead) ... Together. It's the only way I get out of here with some of my sanity intact—with Saxton Hale at my side until the very end.

beats 'til the song disappears

"I run on the road, long before I dance under the lights."

grim.
Capitol Resident

1,081 POSTS
last seen Sept 30, 2020 18:45:26 GMT -5

one last day of rage (Sax/Jeq || Day 3) Oct 30, 2015 9:14:35 GMT -5

Quote

Post by grim. on Oct 30, 2015 9:14:35 GMT -5

I.WAS.PROMISED.

The burning sensation of my tears falling from my eyes and between the cracks of my fingers, is met by the splash from the droplets washing away in the river. I was too afraid to look at her face. I was afraid that she would have that look of judgment, I was completely bare at this very moment, I was vulnerability itself. Her grace had ripped every barrier I had placed up. With guns ablaze I sat naked, because I was not capable of hiding any longer. I was a shattered piece of every pit of morality I had thought I once held onto. Nothing that made up the crying girl that I was, resembles what I use to be only 4 days ago.

With ever shutter if my body, a new set of tears fall into the bellowing creek. Its calming repetitive sputter echoing through my mind. I hear the rustle of the creeks bed, and the splash of the waters. Jeq was scuttling closer to me, inching her way to my side. I feel her arm stretch around me, again trying to create that notion of comfort. Why had humans come up with such useless ways to imply sympathy? We were a disgusting race, and I belonged among us. But Jeq was divine in every nature, why had she been damned to such a horrible fate?

"And you," she whispers into my ear. "You deserve mine." her words radiate through my skull with serenity, but more so, pain. I couldn't help but feel my anger bubble over. I push her arm away from me, fumbling into a standing position. I was not going to do this anymore. I was not going to be this monster that the damn Capitol wants to turn me into. In this very moment, I am going to utter the words of truth. Because I was done holding up my shield, I was done cowering from whatever sanity I thought that I had in my possession.

"You, are an idiot for letting my slither into your life, Jequirity." I feel my chest inflate and deflate in rage, my mouth spitting pure fire. "You have let my lying mouth deceive you, and in your stupidity you risked your own life." I shout these words to the world around me, I feel my knees lock below me, I fear that I might fall, but no, not yet, I must finish. "I KILLED PAIGE HOPE." I feel my lunges press for air, my stomach flopped onto its side. "And I used you for my own protection." My eyes begin to well up with more tears then they had before. "I'm a useless piece of hanging prey, and I deserve nothing from you...", my body becomes softer, and my eyes become dull. "I have already taken too much..."

I stand for a moment, staring to my feet. But before I become a dead body floating in this shitty creek, I walk back to our camp, leaving Jeq on her knees. I begin to pack up my stuff, but I had known that there was no use, if Jeq was going to kill me, I was going to stay. I deserved every ounce of torture that her body could inflict upon me. And so I sit in the dirt, awaiting my own crucifixion.

S A X T O N.

NEVERLAND at ADOXOGRAPHY 2.0!

where my demons hide.

arx
Retired Staff

2,424 POSTS

Pronouns: she/her
last seen Apr 18, 2024 20:03:20 GMT -5

literally so gay, doing so many crimes

one last day of rage (Sax/Jeq || Day 3) Oct 30, 2015 13:39:34 GMT -5

Quote

Post by arx on Oct 30, 2015 13:39:34 GMT -5

Jequirity Eckhart

♫

tired mechanical heart

She's warm, a radiating heat that brings me comfort for the singular second she lets me help. And then the warmth is gone and the cold of the stream hits me even harder than it had when I had fallen in. This was something that hit me even harder than a fall. She shoves my arm away and scrambles to her feet, whipping around to face me with an anger mirroring the anger that had put me in this stream in the first place. But it's still her. She hasn't had time to rebuild the walls, had no time to find her mask. It's still her. Only scarier.

"Saxton---" I begin, but she interjects. "You," I struggle to stand as she glares down at me. "Are an idiot for letting me slither into your life, Jequirity." I only make it to my knees. I sit back on my heels, the water running slowly over my legs chilling me to the bone. But even that chill is nothing compared to the chill her words send down my spine. "You have let my lying mouth deceive you, and in your stupidity you risked your own life," she shouts now, breathing fire in my face and into my heart. But I'm too stunned to decide whether or not the fire ignited inside me is rage or heartache.

She takes a deep breath and I wait. Whatever comes next is the thing she has been needing to say for who knows how long now. Good. It's like she said before. Forgiveness always seems to hurt the most. Forgiving yourself? Well that was the most excruciating pain in the world. So she could call my a bitch, stupid, an idiot, weak, whatever the hell she wanted. If it meant she would come out of this hating herself just a little bit less than I would take it all. Bring. It. On.

"I KILLED PAIGE HOPE."

Did you know that the trains that run between the Districts and the Capitol move at an average speed of 250 miles per hour? It was a scientific and engineering feat the moment the first railways were built. Two hundred and fifty miles per hour. Imagine getting hit by one of those things at full speed, the way your bones would crack like toothpicks and your organs would rupture like water balloons.

Did you know that words move at an average pace of 767 miles per hour?

Yeah.

"And I used you for my own protection." I feel my brows crinkle and my jaw set. Her eyes begin to refill with tears as mine begin to dry out. She---what? (And then I will figure out who killed Paige and I will slowly and ever so gently separate their head from their body.) The memory of the thought bounces around in my mind. My hand closes into a fist around the fabric of my kilt.

Tears fall hard and stream faster down her face. "I'm a useless piece of hanging prey, and I deserve nothing from you...",—nothing but my spear through your throat—"I have already taken too much..."... and so have I. I haven't taken a life, not yet. But I've taken death. Paige, Odile, Leo, and I even stole Hannah's death from Saxton. My Beast friend died to protect me. I ended the life of a creature who was bred to kill. I've taken it all even though none of it belonged to me. I made sure their deaths meant something to me. I needed their deaths and I took them. I've taken just as much as she has.

She turns and walks back towards camp briskly, leaving me alone in the creek. Again. The cape I had left around my shoulders feels heavy, pulling at my neck, threatening to strangle me, kill. I watch as she begins to pack her things, as if she were going to leave and leave for good. I lay down in the creek, washing the suds from my clothes and my hair and wishing the current would simply carry me back home... I need to go home. She killed Paige. I have to kill her. (What are you waiting for?)

I force myself to my feet, the water sloshing around me as I struggle to get enough balance to move forward. She sits in the mud, motionless. Water drips from my hair into my eyes, down my spine, over my shoulders. I snatch my spear from my things and turn on her. I point it at her throat, pressing the tip into her skin until the tiniest drop of blood appears and crawls down her neck. (What are you waiting for?) I glare at her, into her eyes, the eyes that made me think I was staring at myself. (Kill her.) The water in the tapestry around my neck makes it hard to breathe. It drags me down, down, down to my knees, to her level. (Kill her!)

But every muscle in my body refuses. A quiet sob escapes my lips. I should be able to do this. I have to be able to do this. If I can't do this, I don't go home. I have to go home. (Please, please just let me kill her.) But I can't.

I drop the spear and untie the knot at my throat, tossing the tapestry at her as my heart beats wildly in my chest and tears well in my eyes. "I killed my own friend," I say, pointing at the picture of Ellexias sitting on her ice throne. "Those were her last words."

My face falls from Saxton's to the picture. I haven't actually looked at it since I first put it on after the Bloodbath. I told myself it would make me strong. Strong like Lexi and strong like the Victor kneeling before her. But strength is not my forte, nor has it ever been. I've hidden behind my Moms, drugs, and music my whole life. Now there was nothing left for me to hide behind and I was crumbling to pieces under the pressure. Luckily for me, strength isn't what I need to get home. I smile at the picture of Katelyn and Lexi, a single tear forging a river down my cheek.

I need a friend.

"She left her District partner behind, Marchello. She killed him the moment she left him in the middle of the night." I shake my head at her, jabbing my finger in her face. "So I can't let you leave. I won't let you kill me." My hand is shaking now, my heart aching. I snatch the tapestry back from her, tossing it haphazardly across my back. I struggle to retie the knot with just one hand, giving up after a few moments and letting my hand fall into my lap. My knees touch her's, my eyes following the curve of her body until I'm looking into her eyes.

"My last words will not be: 'I killed my own friend.' I refuse." I swallow the lump in my throat and smile. It's not forced, nor is it joyful. It's simply a bittersweet smile, one that means I acknowledge that this place and situation suck, but I've found a sliver of joy anyway. This smile was a fuck you to the Capitol. "If I kill you or leave you, those will be the only words that come to mind."

I shrug through the few tears that are still making their way down my cheeks.

"I won't kill you, Saxton. I will not kill a friend."

beats 'til the song disappears

Last Edit: Oct 30, 2015 13:44:03 GMT -5 by arx

"I run on the road, long before I dance under the lights."