yours is an e m p t y hope {gentian oneshot}

I shiver in the cold winter air, pulling my coat tighter against my arms to keep out the wind. It's freezing cold, but the screen in front of the Justice Building blares just as loudly as ever, and we can all see the tributes shivering with us.

The four remaining spot each other, and a glaive whistles through the air. "This games is nearing an end," the overly-cheerful Capitolite is proclaiming. In the space of nine days Paige had been killed by Saxton had been killed by Rodrick had been killed by Jequirity had been killed by Daria had been killed by Harbinger who - as of the moment at least - was still alive. It was all a vicious cycle, revenge and anger and - from the moment they stepped into the arena all of those tributes became willing to tear each other apart. I could never be as analytical as Leo or as bitter as Odile or as fiery as Jequirity. I can't imagine myself ever being like any of the tributes I saw on the screen.

Paige, she never wanted to kill anyone either - I only wish I knew what she was thinking when she volunteered for Gina. That other girl looked unhappy, almost, getting shoved offstage by a fourteen-year-old girl. If she wanted to murder other people so badly Paige should have let her go to the games!

She hasn't been the same since Lily died in that arena. None of us have, really, but it hit Paige the hardest. How badly had she been hurting, to make her want to follow in her sister's footsteps? I feel powerless, powerless as our family falls apart, as our hopes die and as we spiral into our own minds to cope. I've been too busy grieving to see my own cousin, Lily's twin, dissolving away, and now both of them are dead.

Dead. Just the thought of the word brings fresh tears to my eyes, and I blink them back, not wanting to break down at work again, not in front of the town square under the hardened gaze of the tributes on screen and the watchful eyes of the Peacekeepers surrounding the Justice Building. I didn't want to accept that Paige was dead the moment she stepped up to that stage, but now she's coming hope in a box and I don't know if I'll be ready for that.

I close my eyes, letting my routine carry me through the rest of the square on the way to work. Each day now it gets harder to imagine their faces in my mind's eye - both identical, both reaped, both dead. It scares me, and I'm afraid to let go of the pain, afraid that if I stop thinking about them I'll forget even more - their personality, their memories, their existence. Lily and Paige. Paige and Lily. They could have lived, but they didn't. They could have been safe, but they ran towards danger.

I loved them - no, I haven't stopped loving them. And these feelings, and our love, and the bonds between us - that's something that even the Capitol can't take away. It's the only thing we have.