'Tis the Season // [Colgate/Cordelia]

He's been so withdrawn lately. I know these past couple months have been hard on him but I keep wondering if I'm doing something wrong. I can see him trying not to let the blankness claim him, yet there are still times when he looks at me and there's nothing in his eyes. Instead of running away I pull him closer and don't say a word. I have to look out for him. For all he survived the Games, they still haunted him every day. He might have had the strength to kill in the face of death, but dealing with someone else's death and not your own is another matter. I have to be there for him to lean on, even when he doesn't want to burden me. Fuck, I'd carry him - all 6'7" of him - if that's what it took.

I see him trying little things to distract himself, and while they aren't bad things - better hygiene is never a bad thing - I know that it's not the same him right now.

When he rises early in the morning I am not surprised, he's been getting up earlier than me every day for the past month now, and though I wake I pretend I'm still asleep. What does surprise me is how he slips out the door. As soon as I hear the door shut I sit up and stare after him. Is that it, is he just going to be gone? Did he finally have enough of a girl who could never understand what he went through? Surely there's another victor around his age that he might take to, someone who would know what he can't tell me.

There's only so much I can learn from watching his Games in the times when he's out.

I'm getting worried by the time the light from the window touches my face and he hasn't come back. In the moment I decide to get up and look for him - how hard can it be to find someone like Colgate, who can't go a block without being recognized - I hear the door open. There's something weird about the sounds he makes as he enters but I'm too awash in relief that he came back to care. I'm standing before he even says my name.

"Cordelia!" The sound of his voice is unmistakably upbeat, really and truly happy, and I don't care in that moment what helped him to at least enjoy a few minutes of the day. Well, if it's another woman I do care, but that's the only thing. "Where are you? I have a surprise." My curiosity is piqued in an instant though I'm also a little wary - a surprise? of what kind - and I move cautiously into the main room. When I see his face I can't help but break into a smile. He looks like a child that's hiding something, and the fact that he is shifting slightly with his hands behind his back almost confirms it.

I lean to the side to try and catch a glimpse of the thing in his hands. "What is it?" Moving to stand in front of him - he's one of the only people that makes me feel dwarfed - I crane my head back to look him in the face. "You better not make me guess." Trying to be inconspicuous I run my hand along his arm as I prepare to snatch the thing from him before he gets me to try and think up what the hell he could have bought so early in the morning that he thinks would be a good surprise for me. "Whatcha got there, handsome?"

He twists just slightly, trying to keep my grasp from finding his supposed gift. As he does, though, I swear I hear something. Unable to make it out, I look back into his face again. He's smiling, laughing even, and I can't help but feel a measure of warmth and relief to finally see a joyful expression on his face after so long.

He bends down slightly to kiss me on the cheek, somewhat sloppily as he's fiddling with whatever he has behind his back. As he moves back I can see that he's trying to clamp down on the giddiness that we both feel. Suddenly I'm electrified, worried and excited because he's trying to be serious now - though the ever-present twitching at the corner of his mouth eases some of the worry I have.

"Now, I know..." he coughs and I eye him suspiciously, I'm pretty sure I heard the same sound as before but he had tried to cover it up. No matter how hard I try, I can't keep the wry grin off of my face. I am listening intently, and I am taking him seriously, but he looks so ridiculous as he squirms in front of me. If anything, it looks like he's fighting with this gift that he's going to give me. What a silly man I have fallen in love with. "You can probably guess, what with the meowing.. But bear with me for a second." My wry grin gets wider as he confirms my suspicions. I try to swallow my mirth so that I can show that I am truly attentive. Still, his struggles are so adorable that I'm having a hard time.

This time when the kitten meows I know for sure that that is what I've heard. His speech is rushed a bit, whether because he is trying to keep a grip on the cat and failing, or whether he was nervous about what he was saying I couldn't tell. Still, I listened to every word. "I got you this gift because I wanted to say thank you. We’ve been through a lot, what with H – " He cuts himself off, his happy expression faltering for a moment, and I know what he was going to say. The death of Hannah, his sister, and practically a sister to me as well, had been hard on every O'Leary. I had suffered in my own way, too, mourning both the girl I had come to adore and mourning the loss of joy in Colgate. There was nothing more heartbreaking than knowing someone you love is hurting and not being able to do anything about it.

I felt useless for so long, and I worried that Colgate would turn away from me because I never was able to do anything for him. When he didn't, though, I vowed that I would help him in any way I could, even if it was just to say that I tried. "And I know that I’m not always the best person to be around. I get in these awful moods and I go off alone and I try to cope in every way I can..." My mouth is trembling, but it's not laughter that is threatening to burst through. I choke on my own worry and sorrow as I watch the haunted look crawl over his face.

We both stand there for a brief moment, wallowing in our shared and separate sorrows before I hear faint scrabbling and a smile flickers to life on his face. "I think anyone else would have left me by now – for someone happier – and it occurred to me that I love you more than anything, and..." This time when he breaks off I can see him searching for words. In this pause there isn't the downpour of lingering despair like before. Right now he just wants to make sure he says the right thing, or maybe even anything at all. "I wanted you to know how much I love you, and how thankful I am that you.. that you put up with me, in everything that seems to go wrong. I want to be happy, but even more than that I want you to be happy."

My face breaks into a gentle smile, and I can feel tears well in my eyes. The mix of emotions I am feeling right now is suffocating, but with Colgate here I know I can sort through them. After all, he is the one bringing me joy. I open my mouth to tell him that he was a fool for thinking that I would leave, but my throat has closed. Only a choked laugh escapes as a little fuzzball scrambles up his arm to perch somewhat unsteadily on his shoulder. The tiny beast sticks its nose in Colgate's ear and I can see that is tickles from the way the smile returns to his face. "And I thought maybe this rascal might help."

All at once my locked joints are able to move and I fling myself at him. I feel maniacal, laughing and still on the edge of crying. I have to grab the kitten and cuddle him so that the poor thing isn't sent flying. "Oh Colgate, you are the sweetest idiot I've ever met." Pressing the kitten to me and myself to Colgate, I look up at the man. "I love you too." I lay my head against his chest, stroking the head of the kitten. "What should we name him?" The question was semi-rhetorical, but I would like to hear what Colgate's name ideas would be.

Hearing Colgate's heartbeat next to my ear, I was hit by how well I already knew him. We had barely been a couple for a year and yet I could tell how he felt by the way he moved or spoke. Surely this was too fast, people couldn't read one other that easily that quickly, could they?

I wondered if he knew me that well. Did he know what I was thinking from the look on my face? Could he see how utterly content and loved that I felt in this moment? I hoped he could.