this city is broken {cato; blitz}

The party has been over for hours. That had to be the most agonizing hours of my entire life. I had my family to get over Crusader's death, but the party? I felt like a piece of meat being eyed up by the many capitolites. The other victors didn't appear to enjoy it much either. I remember what I said to Katelyn about never having another moment's peace ever again. If the party is any indication is that my words are true on many levels.

Already I'm afraid to go to sleep. I know what's waiting for me. I'll always have nightmares over killing Daria, Someith, and Heather, but Chloe's death affects me the most. I still see the image of dead body and how I killed her. Over and over the image plays in my head. Some moments during the day I swear that I see Chloe beckoning toward me. As if wanting me to go with her to the afterlife. I want to. Tell her I am sorry.

There's a knock on my door. Probably Katelyn or Kirito, but to my surprise it's neither of them. Opal Earnest with a plate of cookies. Burnt from the smell of it. The taste won't matter much to me. Its the thought behind them. She has no reason to visit me. No reason to talk and yet here she is. I don't know if Katelyn or Kirito are truly here for me or not. I want to believe them, I do, but I have doubts. Opal being here though interests me. "Come on in."

Opal speaks of Katelyn. I listen to what she says thinking of what Katelyn said to me after I blew up at her and Kirito. Katelyn is something else. She was there for my family when my brother died. She ended up winning a year later. Katelyn didn't even flinch after my outburst. She gave me a verbal beat down. I'm still not sure I trust her or Kirito one hundred percent just yet. I still feel abandoned by them late in the games. "Katelyn is the best. I blew up at her after seeing her and kirito for the first time. I yelled for a good long while. Katelyn took it all and proceeded to lay a verbal smack down on me. She's a tough one."

Opal now questions why I said what I did at the party. I've had time to think about it amongst other things. I want to believe I wasn't rude at the party. I truly hope that wasn't the case. "Its just... I made the decision to kill. I snapped when Anora died. Instead of choosing to die, I chose to kill. I actively sought to avoid getting blood on my hands before seeing Anora's picture in the sky. After that? I chose to kill. I can't even sleep at night anymore for fear of nightmares." I rarely get one hour of sleep before the nightmares hit. Even now, I feel the weight of the bags under my eyes. "I see the faces of everyone I killed. I don't know how to cope. I don't know what to do. I'm scared."

Opal being honest. Not sugar-coating anything. One hundred percent honesty with me. I know Katelyn has said similar words to me, but I didn't want to listen to her at the time. With another victor from a different district saying the same things is forcing me to take everything to heart. I don't want to dishonor the lives that were lost. At the same time, I don't know how to get rid of my demons. My thoughts on what's went down. I've lashed out at my former mentors. I've told them I want nothing to do with them. Is that entirely true? Maybe, maybe not. I need to get back home. Spent some time alone. Away from the bright lights of the Capitol shining on me. In time, I hope my victory in winning the seventy-first hunger games will be diminished.

So much praise has gone to Katelyn for District Eleven for winning three games in a row. Rightfully so being that she is the smartest person I have ever known in my life. I didn't know her all that well before her victory. Even now, I don't know her as much as I should. It's up to me whether we become friends or just acquaintances. "Everything you're saying makes a lot of sense. Katelyn has told me similar things, but I didn't want to listen to them. I woke up in horror seeing unfamiliar faces standing over me. Every movement directed toward me terrifies me." I reach out to take a bite out of one of the cookies. The cookie is burnt, but quite possibly the best thing I've tasted in a long time. "Thank you for the cookie, Opal. I know what I'm about to say might not be believable, but it's the best thing I've tasted in a long time. The cookie came from your own two hands. Genuine gesture."

Opal nibbles on a cookie and comments about how they'll get better next time we meet. I smile at that. Coming to the Capitol for this party thrown by President Snow terrified me. I didn't know what the other victors would think of me. I expected to be shunned by most of them. I'm not sure what to have expected from Opal. Whatever assumptions I've had about her were shattered at the party. This talk we've had will be remembered. I think I can trust Katelyn and Kirito if I ever recover from my path through hell, but Opal didn't need to talk to me. She didn't need to come here tonight. She did though and words wouldn't be able to express how grateful I am.

"I'm love them now. May I keep the rest?" Truthfully the cookies aren't that bad. I know my stomach would prefer the tasty delicacies here in the Capitol, but these cookies were apart of something bigger. I'd like to think I've made a friend today. Not one due to my fame as victor. A genuine friend. Opal speaks again and I listen intently. She doesn't want me to regret it. That I am here while the ones I've killed wanted to be here as much if not more than I. Coming from Katelyn or Kirito, I would have dismissed them right away. Coming from Opal though, I am listening. "I'll be honest. I don't know if I can make that promise. When I get home, I'll have a lot of time to dwell on what I did. All I can do is promise my best. I'll try, Opal. I'll try."