Goodbye doesn't last forever {Kraygon one-shot}

Today was is a special day. Normally the family would gather together and celebrate a birthday, but right now it’s just another ordinary day. Ma and Pa have locked themselves away in a room filled with tears Evelyn hasn’t said a word, Maddy hasn’t left the stables, and I have no idea where Turian, Aaron, or Bailey have ran off to. It’s all so different now. In three years, I haven’t celebrated. I haven’t looked at anyone. All I’ve ever done was lock myself away from the rest of the world. Spiraling down a hill. Trapped in a world where nobody cares - who would care for someone like me? A broken boy. A puppet to the Capitol.

But it’s all different today.

A locket hangs from my neck. On the inside a family picture of all of us together. It cost a lot of money to get this made, but it’s something I hold very close to me. After Esme was reaped for the games, I made sure to get it. I spent every single dollar I had on it - but it didn’t bring her home. It was locked away in my room the day before she died.

Tears stain my eyes as I frantically search through the kitchen for the ingredients to make a cake. Even a small would make due right now. It was farfetched, but it was done within a matter of minutes.

The sun was starting to set over the horizon, and I knew my time was running out. Gathering my items, I clutched a letter in my hand before heading out of the house.

The walk to the cemetery felt like it took an entire lifetime. Snow crunched beneath my step. Every second of it. Icy chills swept across my body. Each breath crystallized before my eyes. Winter is a very rough time of the year.

Staring at the names on the graves, I try to imagine who they were and what they went through. Although none of it made sense anymore. So many people had died. So many people left behind in the arena. Many families mourned the loss of a child, a brother, a sister, a friend. But what can I do for them? They’re stuck underground in a world nobody knows about except the dead.

One by one, I read each name allowed until I’m standing in front of Esme’s. Tears stream down my face. Has it really been this long? Three years ago my life was going well; I had everything to look forward to. I guess the Capitol saw we were a happy family and decided to rip us apart.

Sitting down on the ground in front of the grave, I place the cake on the ground in front of me. Taking out a match, I light a single candle. A small orange flame dances before my eyes. Fighting against the frigid wind, I draw my old jacket tighter around me.

"Happy birthday to you.
Happy birthday to you.
Happy birthday dear Esme.
Happy birthday to you."

A small grin plastered against my face as I blew the candle out for her. Clapping my hands together I fought against the violent sobs shaking through my body. "Esme, today's your birthday. You would've been seventeen today. But your life was cut short by the hunger games. Remember the gentle giant? Crusader? His brother, Harbinger, was in the previous games, and he won. It's hard to know that he won. Just three years ago you were standing in the games. Trapped. A puppet controlled by those around. But today, I celebrate your life. It's your birthday today."

Removing a piece of cake, I shove it in my mouth. Silent sobs race through me as an invisible hand wraps around my throat - I can’t help but feel guilty right now. But I keep eating until it’s all gone.

Wiping the crumbs away, I remove the note I wrote earlier today. I have so much to tell her, so much to say. So much I need to get off my mind. Unfolding the crumpled up piece of parchment, I run over the words to make sure I don’t miss one. Clearing my throat, I begin to read.

"Dear Esme,
It's been so long since I've last talked to you. Since I've last seen your smiling face. I feel like an entire lifetime has gone by, but it's only been three years. And today's your birthday. A very special day that we are no longer able to celebrate But in all reality, who would want to? You're gone. You're dead, and I'll never see you again. I miss you so much more than any words can say. I'm sorry I didn't get to go to your funeral. I made a horrible mistake that almost cost me my life. I was arrested, and thrown into the detention center for the longest time. The torture was unbelievable. Both physically and mentally I was left as nothing. Just a mess. A broken boy who wasn't sure what to do anymore. Everyone thought I was dead. I shouldn't have demolished the district square when you died. I should've thought better. I could've found other ways to deal with my emotions, but nothing worked. I was angry that they chose you. I was angry that you were forced to go through hell. I was angry that I couldn't save you. I was powerless, and instead of telling you how much I loved you, I told you I hated you. They used that against me. The peacekeepers did. They made me believe that you never loved me. That you never cared about me. And for the longest time, I thought it was true. I mean, how could you love me after the way I treated you? How could you care about me? The truth is, Esme, I've always loved you so much more than you could imagine. I love you forever and always. Just like I promised. But I haven't been able to forgive myself for what I did. I spent so long living in the dark not knowing whether or not the family was okay. I spent so long thinking about my actions. I had nothing else to live for, and I was hoping they would've killed me so I could see your smiling face once more. And to this day I still want that to happen. I'm so powerless right now, Esme. I can't sleep at night. I always have nightmares. Each and every night I see the spear heading towards you. I see the boy from eight killing you, and I see Crusader carrying you in his arms towards the chasm as I scream for him to save you. But nothing works. I wake up praying that the entire thing is only a nightmare, but it's not. It's just a dream."

Violent sobs echo through the night sky. Oh Esme. I need you right now. Looking down at the letter, tears begin to stain it. Taking another deep breath, I look down at the last couple of lines. Trying to finish what I’ve started.

"I can't go on living like this anymore. I can't keep hating myself over the past. I can't allow it to devour me anymore. Esme, I've hated myself for so long. For saying I hated you. For destroying the district square. For listening to what they said during interrogations. I have to let it go. I have to find a way to forgive myself. But holding onto it is keeping me from it. It's holding me away. Esme, I'm doing this for myself, and I want you to know that I love you forever, and you'll always be in my heart. But I can't keep letting your death weigh me down. For me to forgive myself, I have to say goodbye. I have to allow you to rest. Esme, you're free to go. You're free to move on. You're free to live a wonderful life in the afterlife. I'll see you again one day. I promise, but it's my turn to live my life. It's my turn to find something I enjoy. I love you Esme. So much more than you'll ever know, and I'll always miss you. I just can't let your death hold me down anymore. So I'm saying goodbye for now. Someday I'll need you again, but for now I have to part ways. I'm sorry, and I hope you can forgive me. But this is what I need right now, and I just hope you understand.

Love
Kraygon."

Wadding the parchment into a ball, I hold it in my hands as tears swim down the side of my face - I’m surprised they haven’t turned into an icicle yet, but at the same time I am very thankful. Throwing the parchment far away, I reach behind my neck before undoing my locket. I’ve held onto it for three years, and now it’s time for it to go.

Digging a small hole in front of her grave, I place the locket inside it. "Esme, this is for you to remember me. Don't forget me. Please." Putting the dirt back above it, I grab the tiny plate on the ground in front of me. Raising a shaking hand, I wipe the tears away.

"This is the last time for a long time that I'll be coming back. Because right now, I'm starting over. A new day. A new life. A new me."

Forcing myself into a standing position, I stare at her name a little bit longer.

"Goodbye, Esme."

Doing an about face I turn away with my head held high.

Tomorrow is a new day. A chance to start over, and I am taking it.

It’s time for me to live my life.