Typherius Krearns D4 {done}

Pleasing other people is so exhausting. Mom and dad raised me to live an honorable life, and anything that goes against their wishes is wrong. I've heard them bashing people who go against their ways of life. Every second of every single day, I try to be like them because it's how they want me to be, and the idea of letting them down devours me. But I'm not like them, and I want to be my own person. I want to follow my dreams and my own goals, yet it seems impossible. I fear they'll disown me if I let them know how I truly feel. If I show them what lives inside me, they'll hate me for it. But this isn't how I want to live my life. It makes my mind numb. Explaining I'm still the same person I've always been won't work, and I know it because I've asked hypothetically - I only received one answer I didn't want to hear, and it weighs heavily on me. Yet my parents don't understand the harm this is causing me. I guess I'll remain in the closet for as long as I live, or I'll come out and let my parents destroy the bond holding us together. It's an option I have to consider, but for now, I can't risk losing them.

Each day is a struggle for me; I want to tell my parents. I want them to know what's going on inside me. But I don't want to lose everything I've worked for so far. So many times I put a fake smile on acting like everything is fine when its not. My happiness comes at a price, and for now I've chose this path. I made the decision to live with pain and remorse and agony because I need my parents by my side. I've been lying to them for many years by bringing one of my best lady friends home and pretending we're in a relationship, and she's happy to play the part, yet it doesn't ease the pain any. I owe her my life, but I know I can't ever repay her. She understands me, and I talk to her every single day of my life - I don't ever want to lose her. I've lost so many people in my life, and I'm afraid my unwillingness to tell my parents about who I am will push her away; I cling to people I love and care about. And she's one of the people I strongly care for - I have a bad habit of pushing people away, and I hate myself for it. I honestly hate myself.

So what if I want to wear dresses and prance around the house like a princess - some of my friends even call me princess, and I thoroughly enjoy it, but I can never let my parents hear it. I feel more alive when I'm acting like myself instead of acting like someone I'm not. I enjoy dancing around like a ballerina. It takes talent to stand on my toes and do the splits. I'm all about fashion when I'm not around my parents. And I know people talk about me behind my back because I hear the whispers, and I'm not stupid, however, it doesn't matter to me. As long as I don't get caught. I'll never forget when my mom found me carrying a dress into my room. I lied to her face telling her it was for my friend, and in order to show her I wasn't lying, my friend had to come over and wear it. It hurts my heart knowing I live a lie, but I do know one day the truth will be revealed; I just have to know I'm ready, and I have to trust my heart and my gut instinct. I'm just so thankful that I have a friend I trust with my life because bearing the burden alone is one of the hardest things I've ever done in my entire life.

But I can't change who I am as a person. Girls are interesting, and I have a lot of girl friends I hang out with, however, I don't have that connection with them. If I had my way, I would grow my hair out and become a girl. I relate with them better. Yet I know mom would throw a fit if I came home with long hair which is why I keep it short. It's not like I have anything to hide from her. Sometimes I wonder if she knows about me because I do a terrible job at trying to be who she wants me to be. All I want to be is my own person. I want to live my own life the way I want to live. But each time I try to tell her, she tosses me away telling me I have a choice. I can't help that I'm attracted to other guys. And she's right because I do have a choice. I can either find the happiness I deserve or live with anger and resentment for the rest of my life. Happiness sounds better to me although I don't want to lose my family. I've already lost enough in my life. And I chose to live my life loved by my family because without them I'm nothing. My entire world would collapse in the matter of seconds.

I dress accordingly usually wearing long shorts and going shirtless out into the district. I'll grease my black, shaggy hair back, and I tone my voice down trying to make it sound as masculine as possible. But it's not me. I have a feminine voice. I don't like greasing my hair back - sometimes all it takes is getting out of bed and running my fingers through it in order to style it. Yet mom doesn't think it looks good enough, and dad just doesn't care. He wants me to be a strong career like people of district four. He wants me to spend time in the training center toning my muscles. Perhaps pleasing them will help me out in the future when I'm in need. So I journey out trying to make myself useful in the future, but I know it's impossible because the moment I tell them who I am, they'll never talk to me again. I don't even have the muscles to prove how much of a man I am. Except maybe my legs because I enjoy running and dancing, but my arms are like sticks, and it doesn't make me look any better in the eyes of those who brought me into the world.

Yet acting the part is so much different. My eyebrows are bushy, and I love staring at attractive guys batting my light blue eyes at them. Sometimes I'll even flash a smile spreading my large, pink lips apart showing off my white teeth. Despite being outside all the time, my skin rarely changes color except turning from a ghostly pale to the color of a lobster in the matter of seconds before eventually turning pale again. If I could wear a dress none of this would happen because my shoulders and back would be covered. Most of the time my skin peels, and it's disgusting, but I go into the water until my fingers and toes shrivel up turning into ugly prunes. Sometimes the water makes it burn worse, but most often it gives me the relief I need stopping the tears in their tracks before they fall down my face in front of everyone watching. It's almost like I have translucent skin. But I'm not like a lot of people, and I like being different because it gives me a chance to find another name for myself. I'm not like Someith, Jay or Mason. I'm not like the rest of the Krearns family, and that's what sets me apart because I can't fight, and I don't ever want to hurt any creature of the world. I don't know of any who would want to fight beside me.

It's like being trapped in the midst of a storm with the rain hammering against my fragile skin as the rest of the world moves on with cover around them. My name is a whisper in the wind away from the rest of the district because I don't want myself known to people, and I love being a shadow on the wall away from everyone. And as long as I don't bring chaos to myself, I can see myself turning into who I truly want to be imaging myself growing stronger and stronger. Everyone's better than me at something, and perhaps I'm the best at being a girl. But I can't show the rest of my family, and it kills me. I have a heart, and I love being around people, but sometimes I really want to be alone caught in the midst of a wave contemplating life and death because the world would be best off without me. I want to be more like me. I want to be who I am on the inside and not put on a mask for those around me, and dying would solve all the problems in the world. But I've heard suicide is not the answer. And I realize I have a lot to live for. Someday I'll rule the world, and I'll proudly display who I am without fear of being ridiculed and judged, and I have that day to look forward to.

So for now I'll carry on like I always have with my head held high and a smile plastered against my face. I'll pretend nothing is wrong just to make my parents happy. If only they realized the pain lingering inside me. I'll keep a calm demeanor as I shove more emotions into the abyss of my mind before throwing the key away forever, and maybe one day I'll be the child they want me to be. I'll keep going to the training center to flesh out my muscles. Maybe I'll become the strongest man alive, or maybe their wish will come true, and I'll finally have my first date with a girl of their liking. But it's not what I want. I'll play the part becoming a famous actor hidden behind a mask. And I'll keep working hard. Cleaning myself up to make myself presentable to the public when my parents are out with me. I'll make them proud because it's all I want even if it means destroying who I am in the process. One day I'll be more like me and less like them. One day I'll be set free to live my life the way I want to, but now is not the time. Happiness comes at a price. It's not free, but in order to live with complete happiness, I need my family by my side because my family is all that matters.