Looking for Improvement! (Stare)

Hiya, Penguin! My name's Stare, and I'll be your tutor for this session <3 I'm really looking forward to working with you! I hope you don't mind, but I took a look at your most recent post for my assessment of your writing.

You're already off to a really good start. Your grammar is excellent and you're good at picking out details to write about. What I think I'd like to work with you on is the idea of show, don't tell. I'll demonstrate this technique by taking a closer look at the first few sentences of your post.

"A man with an instrument will almost always woo me. I've never played an instrument because I never had the time to learn one. When someone can become proficient at an instrument, to me it shows real hard work and determination, two qualities which I consider pretty sexy in my humble opinion."

I love how you reveal a lot about your character in this paragraph and expand on your ideas by going more into detail. However, your sentences are very direct - you tell the reader exactly what is happening. Instead of telling, I'm going to encourage you to show, meaning that you use description and implication to convey your point. I've rewritten your paragraph below using this show, don't tell technique.

"I've always been drawn to those stray instrumentalists on the sides of the streets, guitar cases popped open for whatever money people can spare as their calloused fingers strum over the strings in a way that seems all too natural. Sometimes, wistfully, I would consider becoming one of them myself. Sitting on worn sidewalks, I would rely only on my instrument and the songs I'd memorized. Those dreams were short-lived, though. It took a certain kind of dedication that I didn't have, a dedication that I can't help but admire when I spot it in others."

See how even though I never directly told the reader that Gigi likes musicians, I implied it through description? While this type of writing isn't necessary all the time, it adds better flow and a more poetic tone to writing.

Exercise!

I'd like you to go out and find a post that you think is a good example of show, don't tell. Point out certain areas in the post where this technique is used and tell me what you like about the post in general. Good luck! <333