forever in the dark {rade}

He never expected this to happen. His eyes filled with tears as he curled up tightly into a ball wishing he was never born into existence. Weaver never knew his purpose in life, and this wasn't his purpose. Something more had to be out there for him, yet the Capitol was using him tearing him apart against his own will. But he wasn't worried about himself. He couldn't think about the pain Harbinger would go after Weaver passed away. He couldn't imagine the pain his family would feel because if he was dead he wouldn't be able to feel anyone. It wasn't on his bucket list to die at the age of eighteen, but he didn't want to kill anyone either. All he wanted was to grow old in district eleven and have kids, and maybe grandchildren one day. His future was bleak trapped in a dark hole pulling the light in around him. In all honesty, Weaver was afraid. He was terrified of his fate, and he hated that he was used only to hurt Harbinger and the other victors.

A soft sigh fell from his lips as Katelyn took a seat next to him. Weaver pulled himself in more allowing her more room, as he listened to the words falling from her lips. "I cried at my reaping, you know." His gaze shifted from the blank television pinned to the wall until he was looking at her more as a person now instead of just another person trying to force him to become a monster he never wanted to be. His heart broke for her, but when the name Crusader fell from her lips, Weaver froze. His entire body went numb as tears stained the corners of his eyes threatening to fall down his face at any given second. And knowing that someone other than his family cared about Crusader, shattered his heart into thousands upon thousands of pieces.

When he saw the sad smile pinned against her face, Weaver broke. Every single emotion he'd been holding back raced to the front of his mind and passed through his lips in a violent, gut wrenching sob. A river of tears stream down the side of his face saturating the robe he placed upon his shoulders. "I don't know why you knocked on my door, but if you're anything like your brothers, I'm gonna guess you're willing or... want to make sacrifices. Am I wrong?" The words hit him harder than they should've, and he raises his hands to his face hiding himself inside of them. He missed Crusader, and he missed his parents more than anything in the world, and not a day goes by without him thinking about them, and now he had the perfect chance to meet them, yet he wasn't ready. Weaver didn't want to die. Nobody wants to die.

But he shook his head slowly.

"Kate, I... I don't know what to do." He paused as he lifted a hand to wipe the tears away. "I...I just... I miss my mom. I miss my dad. I miss Crusader. There's not a single day that goes by without me thinking of them." Weaver's gaze lifted from the floor only stopping as he turned his tear filled eyes towards Katelyn. "But in the end, Crusader remained true to himself, and I don't think I can do that." His heart sat uneasily in the pit of his stomach as the black hole around him grew larger and larger sucking everything in until nothing remained except the sad memories growing in front of him. He was silent for a moment trying to make sense of the words forming in his mind as his head dropped to the floor again.

"I'm afraid, Kate." He admitted. "I'm afraid of what this is going to do to Harbinger. I'm afraid of how this is going to change me. I'm afraid of dying. I'm afraid of not being able to help my family anymore. I'm afraid of having to kill people. I'm afraid of hurting Iona. I don't want her to die. She's so young. Just a year older than Iain, and two years older than Carrita, but I don't want her to die." It wasn't an offer. It was a subtle hint. Something most would miss. Weaver took a deep breath drawing in as much oxygen as possible, and then exhaled. "I sometimes wish I would've saved Iain. Then maybe this would've all gone away."

His tears never ceased as he raised his head forcing himself to look at the victor. Nothing made sense to him anymore, yet Weaver tried to hide the sobs, and he tried to be quiet as Kate spoke of Harbinger and how he had asked something similar. Part of him was grateful knowing that his brother managed to survive, and the other was lost knowing that he would've laid his life down for his district partner. But that was the difference. Weaver didn't want to die. He didn't want his district partner to die. He didn't want anyone to die, but in the games they had to die. Twenty-four go in, and twenty-three never have a life outside the arena ever again. Weaver knew how much the games changed Harbinger, and he was terrified of how the games would change him. But Kate was right. It wasn't up to her to decide who lived and who died. It wasn't up to anyone, except the tributes fighting in the games. Yet nobody wanted to die. Death was a horrible word, and Weaver kept pushing death away, but he couldn't help but wonder what dying was like especially now that it lingered in his future.

A forced sigh fell from his lips as Kate shook her head and went into a spill about how nobody knew what would've happened had Weaver stepped forward saving the life of the Iain from the previous games, and the past was in the last. Nothing could change it. And living in the could haves, would haves, should haves only made it all worse, yet his mind was spinning so fast everything was a huge blur. He felt his mind stand still as Kate pulled up her sleeves showing many names tattooed into her body, and Weaver glared at them taking them all in realizing how many people had truly died. Twenty-three died in her games. Annora. Iain. Carrita. All of them held a place in her heart, and Weaver wasn't sure what to say, or why she was even showing him the names because they were just a face in the sky. He stopped himself. Every person had a story, and that story deserved to be told, yet Weaver didn't want his to end like this. But his mind only thought about the many ways he saw tributes die in previous games.

"You're stronger than you think, Weaver." It was such a simple phrase, yet he heard it so many times throughout his entire life, and even in the justice building when Elidor stopped by, he said Weaver was strong. But it was just words. His head dropped into his hands again for only a moment as he tried taking it all in, and he knew that nothing would ever make it better. He was always the strong one. Weaver was the one who held everything in because he wanted to make sure other people was okay. He never let anyone see him cry, and he rarely showed any emotion. But here he was seated on a couch in the middle of the district eleven floor of the training center with nothing left to lose. It completely caught him off guard when Kate embraced him in a hug, and it was unlike any hug he had ever experienced before as the emotion just wasn't there. But this one was heartfelt. It was filled with something he had never experienced before. "It's okay to cry."

Something shifted inside him, and that was all he needed to hear. Weaver Rhodes didn't know what it was like to have someone tell him that because everyone expected him to hold it all together, and to be strong for everyone, but sometimes even the strongest break. "You have no idea how much those simple words mean to me." He huffed awkwardly between sobs as his mind quickly turned back to the events on the train. The anger. The rage. The shattered glass spraying across the floor. Kate's words of laying everything down in order to become the monster capable of surviving, but he also remembered her asking if anyone has questions. He had one question that rested heavily on his mind, and he wasn't sure how Kate would take it, but he had to know. "What do you think happens when we die?"

A simple question proved it wasn't as simple as he originally thought. Weaver watched as Kate struggled. Starting sentences then stopping. It was hard enough knowing he would die, but not knowing what happened after ate away at his mind. He held the question in for as long as he possibly could, but he needed to know. Kate may not have been the best person to ask because she survived her games. She won. Kirito won. Harbinger won. The best person to ask would be the deceased, yet talking to them was impossible as long as he was alive.

The silence was deafening. He sighed getting ready to change the subject when Kate finally spoke. "You'll see them again Weaver."

How long had it been since he saw his parents, and his brother? Five years ago Crusader journeyed through the games. Five long years. Five years without waking up in the mornings and seeing him. Death would offer Weaver what his heart desired. All he had wanted through his entire life was a pleasant reunion with his family. "Hopefully not for many years to come."

Dying was one of his few options, but in the back of his mind he didn't want to die. He had a future. A life. Weaver wanted to have kids. He wanted to grow old and die of natural causes. But his life was turned upside down in the blink of an eye. Nobody could save him except his own intuition, and his own smarts. His own fights. Yet he never wanted this to happen. As much as he missed his family, the male wasn't ready to meet them again.

But the next, the lie Kate refused to tell hit him hard. Changing who he was, fighting to kill, trying to survive in the middle of an arena where nobody cared about anyone, only tore through his mind. His lips twisted downward as he raised his hands to his face once more. His elbows rested on his knees, and his chin sat heavily in the palm of his hands. "It will change you, but it doesn't have to destroy you. I think Crusader understood that."

His eyes closed, and all he could think about was his brother dropping the sword when he could've struck Patricia down. Crusader was a fighter. He was strong, brave, everything Weaver wasn't. And he thought back to how Harbinger was before journeying through the seventy-first games. He wasn't a fighter either, yet he managed to win. Somehow he found it inside of him to press through all the Capitol threw at him. It changed Harbinger. It changed Kirito. It changed Kate and all the other victors.

"It'll be nice to see my family again. Both the living and the deceased. But I'll only see one group." It was a harsh reality sweeping through his mind over and over, yet a soft grin twisted across his face slowly replacing the frown. "I don't want to change, Kate, but I don't want to die." His head scooted further down into the palm of his hands as he tried to hide the tears burning the side of his face. "I'm sure when someone comes at me sword swinging, I'm going to fight back to protect myself. But when it's all said and done, I still want to be me. I want to have my morals and values intact." He inhaled sharply fighting against the lump forming in the back of his throat, and as he exhaled, he lifted his head, and turned towards Kate.

"Is that even possible? To still hold onto who I am despite doing what I have to do if I want to survive?"