one again. {pilot|atticus}

Today, my head ached from the thoughts that clouded my mind. Where are they now? Where are they now that death has greeted them into his home? Did Quadrys find his brother, and Sol his cousin? Does Danny have peace now? Did Astrid hold onto Eggie until the moment her passing? Has Celia managed to keep her confident flame burning as she returns home?

All of these, I can hope are true.

Did I do enough to comfort Iain? No. Could I have done more for him? Yes.

Did I help Ezero find a home, or did I really just strip him away from all that he had? You brought him home, Atticus. In a fucking box.

Do I deserve worse? Of course you do. You deserve hell, not them.

The clouds in my head turn grey and storm upon me. I deserve hell.

Quadrys and Sol.. they deserve more than a home. They deserve a throne.

Ezero and Danny.. they shouldn’t be dead. They should be happy and alive.

Astrid and Nell.. they deserved medals of honor for their courage, not a cannon to blow.

Iain and Cecelia.. they had more life to live, and my survival stripped them away from that right.

Celia and Kite.. despite my grudge, they deserved better. Just because they were my enemies doesn’t mean they were bad.

Celia and Kite were heroes. All I am is a villain. Eryn, Sol, Danny, Ezero.. they were the protagonists, the good guys, and I’m the antagonist, the evil one.

I could pray to ripred every day for this to change, but why bother? It’ll never change. My story won’t let it. All twenty-three of them deserved to live over me, yet their unfortunate souls perished instead of my own.

I get up from my bed, hoping that I could be greeted by a calm voice inside of my head rather than an abusive one.

Today, Danny comes to give me a lecture. It’s hard to ignore her, even as I get ready for another day of loneliness. Klaus never bothered to check on me, so why should I bother to have him as someone to talk to. The older victor isn’t concerned about me, and I don’t quite understand why. He knows what it’s like. Klaus is the only person I know that can understand.

”I told you that your fate would be worse than death, Atticus. Do you know what I mean now?” Danny’s voice sends pain to my head. I nod in agreement, and she continued to dance around in my head. ”I wish he did manage to skin you alive.”

”I do, too,” he spoke aloud to Danny, even if he was only in his head. Now that I know what burdens must be carried, I wish that Ezero could’ve killed me. He would’ve handled it better. A hero deserves to live more than a pathetic villain.

Quadrys Lexig’s scream comes back to me from the second day, I heard it and tried to find him, only to figure out he was just another casualty. When I see him on my bedroom floor dying once again, I close my eyes. He calls out to me, but I refuse to look. The cannon that I heard twenty-three times comes back to me. I look back to where his body laid, and it’s gone. Out of all twenty-three of the tributes that died, I miss him the most. Even if I only managed to see him once in an elevator, I appreciated him. He’s the only person that had success in making me happy. Happiness is an emotion I’ve hoped and prayed to acquire, but it only happens once in a blue moon. That moon hasn’t come back since that day.

I look away from the floor, feeling the tears begin to form under my eyelids. I wish it could be easier to smile, but there’s too much hurt now.

Money can’t buy me happiness. It isn’t able to buy me a smile. The only thing that can make me happy is walking down a hallway without seeing odd looks. Ever since I have returned to my origin District, I have felt alienated. Even my parents, who’ve spent nineteen years beside me treat me as if I won some kind of award.

I wouldn’t call the crown of thorns I’ve worn for three months an award.

Quadrys’s scream makes an unwanted reappearance, and it tips my kettle over. I quickly make my way over to my wall, the tears now meeting the outside world. My hands touch the wall gently, but my head doesn’t have a greeting as fragile. I slam my head up against the wall as the tears consume me. One, two, three times my head bashes on the cream colored wall. My breaths are choppy, the angry pain that comes from the inhales and exhales finally negated by another type of hurt. The sadness.

I deserve hell. I do. There’s no denying it.

It takes a few minutes to calm myself down, but once I manage to, I leave the mansion. It’s not my home, there’s no home for me. Hell-On-Earth and Hell-In-Hell are the only places I belong.

It wouldn’t be bad for me to get a breath of District Three’s polluted ‘fresh’ air. My hood covers half of my eyes and I look directly to the ground. My heart beats as I see legs walk all around me. I don’t want to be recognized as a victor, I just want to be human, the type of person I’ve lacked in for too long now. My lack of humanity has caused me to be alone, and that’s going to make me crazy. If only I could mask myself like I did in the games. I felt human then.

One of my arms wraps itself around my stomach, and the other covers my throbbing head. Quadrys and Danny haven’t made a reappearance lately, and I’m glad for it. The wall definitely ran them out and kept my sane. However, it also made me a bit more light-headed than I would like.

Shortly after, the dizziness in my head start to shift my feet. My mind has now let go of the rain, but the thunder causes more pain.

The worst part of the pain comes, the lightning striking my head, causing me to flail my arms.

”Ow..” I mutter while in pain. Now, both of my hands cling to my head, trying to comfort the throbbing in my temples.

It hurts, but I guess I deserve it for all the lives I’ve ruined.