safety pin ;; julian kaiera

diary entry one ;;

i can't describe it.
my conscience literally feels like it's grabbing something.

like you're on the verge of breaking off and falling off of the edge.
disappearing because nobody matters.

does that make sense?
life becoming all black and white and the only thing you can feel is you trying to hold onto whatever particles of the effort to live remained.

because nobody really cares. i know that.
the sinking feeling in my chest every day explores my depths, tests my limits as if it were to be a toy.

it tests my will to keep going because i try to tell myself that there's people that care.
but i look around at the place i call home.
the place i've recognized as my safehaven, as a place i can go to for some sort of resource to figuring myself out.

and that sinking feeling in my chest keeps going deeper and deeper.
my will to keep straggling and walking along as if attempting to walk any further did any use.

everybody says they care.
everybody says they would always be there for you.


i see nobody.


i see the black and white chalked images that people see to paint for me. like i was a toddler.
i understand what they want ; what their intentions are.


they want to get under my skin and find all my weak spots, find my defenses and take them down one by one.
until i'm bare; raw.


that's when they attack.
that's when they leave.


i can't breathe-
it feels like my throat is just clogging up and my words mean nothing.
(they are nothing, what do you mean?)

they say they care.
they say that you matter.


happiness is the key to being successful, they said.
well, i've lost that key between the cracks of every flaw in my body.


you feel the world sinking around you.
like there's nothing better than finding an escape and people say you should stay- they'd miss you.



my safety pin has been lost.
i am bare, weak.


and they don't even give a damn.