reiner braun [ peacekeeper

access_granted;
welcome back reiner

awaiting |

Thank you.

I really do think I could love it here, y'know? It's in the seasons or something, when I was a kid I never got the chance to learn what it was like. Capitol sun rays and Annie's first winter -- just as cold as always, HA. Bertie loved fall, the lame shit I expected from him but it makes sense too. He's a simple soul deep down under getting fucked over for two decades with shaky and sweaty hands. 

He'll be fine. 

Part of me is surprised we're- fuck my pizza. Shit, ha, sorry; part of me is surprised we're pulling this off. It's second nature, a second face, this new past and future and who Reiner is, I think I like the new me in a way past grease stains and mental breakdowns. It's nice to have new friends, like Connie and Eren,

I mean I love Bertie and Anni- well Bert. I love Bert. Annie lets me love her as much as she can but us three are built of the same gears, we know how each other tick out of necessities. And it's a nice genuine thing, sure, but flowers grown of the same dirt learn to love each other all the same; the others just like Reiner Braun more so than that name could ever fit on me -- I like to pretend it could work.  

It was the first thing I was taught, don't get comfortable. That's how they kill you. A lesson engraved in every inch of my skin until I could feel it like notches in a name, I'm their bitch. It's my purpose; more so than charisma and casualties, I am. But it's the pirce to pay I guess, every ugly scar and scab, trading one group of my people for another just for this damn thing to work: it will work. Even if none of us get to stand to see its success. 

HAHAHA shit -- what if I just left this grease stain here for Annie, would that be fucked or funny? Eh, I'm good. Does she even like pizza; it's hard to tell what she does like sometimes. That's their main problem, uhh, strength? They're focused. Too much sometimes, we're dying out here! Training each other to kill ourselves on the daily, might as drink my own while I'm still here before Yaeger Bombastic slits my throat in my sleep, haha. Hmm. 

Fuck. 

All this capitol food's made me soft I guess; it's just, hard? Like fuck me for having a goddamn friend or two huh; it's hard to pretend people get to see the sun every day around here, and it's harder to say I wouldn't want that sometimes. Contempt has been such a spoken word that I forgot it was achievable, like success and this mission -- there's something past this for them. Something other than a finite timeline, something past contempt and settling for a death in exchange for the hearts of my people; I'm a symbol for power, for hope. 

For destruction. 

The armored titan -- I may just be their success story.
I guess I have to be.

I like spring the most. Past the bite of winter and every year I spent blowing shit up, I guess this is the first time I ever got to enjoy it. We went to restaurant in the capitol when we first got settled, when Annie and I got over that fear of fucking up -- Bertie's still working on it, but he'll get there. He loved the baked things, and it felt weird having money in my hands. Like I can just buy shit ??? Things aren't as structured, timing schedules between when we got rations and when we got injections, at what time us killer kids prepared our tiger teeth; sorry what was I saying? 

Yeah, food's cool. On our way home, Connie and I stop by and I pick things up for Bertolt and Springer eats his during the walk, stealing my half for Sasha but I don't complain, just laugh it off and count the steps. He's like, a giant mama's boy, takes care of his little siblings and owns a dog and it sounds pretty great, not gonna lie. Talks a lot about how his life was before he left district ten; they owned a farm, he loved his mom, it all sounded nice. I told him we were from district two, just a bunch of failed career children picking up slack and we joined together, and it isn't all false pretenses I guess. 

I shot a deer once -- I never told Connie this, never told anybody but Annie. The armored titan, strapped to my body and I smiled with missing teeth as I listened to Zeke's instructions, fuck he was good. One of the retired titan attempts, and besides my titan siblings he was the closest thing I had to somebody who understood. He was stronger than me, no matter the steroids they fed me or the practices to break mental fear, I was the closest to success could be besides Zeke himself. And he took me atop district thirteen, to the ruins for the first time; broken bombshell rocks cracking under our feet. A loaded shotgun, my right hand focused on the trigger, my left force fed into a quicker one -- I had two damn guns, like come on! It's hard to get better than fucking that. 

Zeke watched me as I took aim and shot every pebble, rock, boulder, anything he named, my aim was exactly what it should've been for the years they spent building it into me, and I didn't need a rest. I didn't need to rest, steroids pulling my veins together like ink drawn lines, I came across a pillar. Old and tattered, held together by nothing but ash and will power, and I panicked- a single scrapping of an antler against broken stone and it felt like every bit of venom they put inside me pulled the trigger before I did, right between two doe eyes and they placed my ass in solitary for it, hahaha. That's kinda fucked up, pfft. 

And it's not like that anymore, mostly because I'm here. We, us three, we finally made it and through every lie we breathe I can't afford to fuck it up, y'know? Less trigger happy, less fidgety in that suit, only I can fit it, work it, there's nobody else who can fill my position -- I've only made it harder with getting comfortable, Annie knows it as well as I, but I can't fuck it up. 

There's a success story somewhere in this.
I can't afford for it not to be me. 

log_out;
confirm;

goodbye reiner



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