choking on flowers { arisne. }

"What am I doing-" I've got no business being apart of this, Isobel smiling behind me in the mirror, "what."

"Nothing!"

"Isobel, what."

Stern eyes and in all seriousness I could never be angry at her, could hardly be disappointed in her. Probably why she's so cocky - ha - living with her under my hair for what, three years? Krigel's not a soft name but I guess I have no place raising a lion, she smiles something sly knowing damn well I'm out of place. 

"Just never seen you in loveeeeeeee-" she's got dimples when she smiles. 

And it's weird -- she's nothing like how I was when I was sixteen, and it's whack as shit to stare her in the face now, looking just how any Krigel does; pretty hair, blue eyes, beautiful smile. "Where'd you get all this nerve from," it's something happier I never expected. Apartment walls and sharing a bedroom, she used to cry in her sleep. I used to drink in mine. 

When did everything change? 

"You say that like it's not from you," she's got those wrinkles around her eyes when she laughs; this is uncomfortable. Isobel just keeps getting older and I don't like it -- we aren't perfect. Nothing's perfect in this life and I'm realizing that the longer I'm here, but it's so much better than being alone. Drinking with strangers and sleeping alone, crawling in late night house windows with clothes and dignity strapped in clenched hands; it may not be perfect but it's the closest I'm ever getting. 

But I still hesitate. Pulling my hair out of my face and- shit, holy fuck I'm old. "You're not thinking about skipping, are you?" Oh dear lord, stretching out eye bags; have I always looked this tired? "Since when were you the adult in this house," Isobel starts messing with something else while I stay fixed on the mirror, vanity under my finger tips -- "I couldn't even if I wanted to."

Something about Arachne makes me feel happy in the worst way possible; weak knees and choking on butterfly wings. I haven't dated in too long- I haven't ever dated. When I was Isobel's age all I did was drink and fuck, there was no romance, there was no time for romance -- back then the name Krigel was a victor's title. The lioness and the crown; I was never supposed to fall in love. Never supposed to adopt Isobel or buy my own house or get married, I was never meant to be a lover. 

I was meant for a grave, buried under the name Krigel. 

"I just-" I stumble on my words, watching my own lips in the vanity. What can Arachne even see in me, hell knows I don't know what I'm doing here anymore and if she does then at least that makes one of us- "Ris." I try to swallow that sea salt of doubt.

"It's gonna be fine."

"Why'd you have to get so mature all of a sudden." 

---

It's a cold night; stupid. Freezing, walking alone after leaving Isobel at the apartment- maybe I'll die before hand. That wouldn't be so bad, right? Ha, the heel of my shoe echoing like gunshots on a single lover's path. If I die now then I won't have a chance to fuck it up -- that's good, right. Yeah. No, no never mind that's not gonna work, but either this cold or my own nerves are gonna kill me first- why.

Why am I even scared of this, of all the terrible shit I've dug my way through on knees and elbows, I'm scared of a fucking twink. There's a beat, the sound of my foot steps clicking to the tempo of heart strings -- everything's planned already. A nice night, no alcohol, no sex and no wanting to kill myself; shit. 

Fuck.

I feel every cold wind on my skin like love bites, my fingers shaking from a mix of nerves and me goddamn fingering Jack Frost on the way over, shit. Never have I been one for running away but goddamn sometimes I wish I was, the raven in my rib cage praying to get the hell out of here- I knock on her door, once, twice. In every bit of me that loves Arachne there's a part praying she'd be working over time tonight, that she got hung over and fell asleep face first on her kitchen table- emotions are never a thing I learned to conquer.

"Hey!" Shit I'm gay; bring it back girl. I brush hair behind my ear, swallowing both tide and maelstrom- "you look-" y'know, I've cried during sex with her before. I stumble over words for a second, eyeing Arachne over, grinning, "yeah."

If emotions are the worst thing I have to face, I should be fine. 

[ firestorm ]