falling inside the black {marree/kaplan}

Witnessing the terrible happenings of this year's reaping volunteering was one of the worst experiences of my life. I'd always been scared of the reaping. I'd always been terrified of the Hunger Games. Though, my anxiety and nerves could have killed me with how I felt this time. When Lightning volunteered, I tried to keep myself calm. He could come back. He could win, and our whole family would be back together again.

Then Chaos volunteered. That was when I broke down. Our family would never be in one piece after these Games. Yes, one of them had the chance of returning to us. A very small chance at that, but still a chance. There was absolutely no possible way, however, for them both to come back. By joining Lightning on that stage, Chaos tore our family apart. Although, I didn't want to blame this whole disaster on Chaos. It was Lighning's fault, too. Had he never volunteered himself, Chaos never would have felt the need to do the same. She could have been safe, and he could have been safe, but they sacrificed themselves, and I was guaranteed to lose at least one of my O'Hana siblings.

I was the one that took the situation with tears. Typhoon was the one that too the situation with rage, and I had no idea how Tempest would end up doing to cope with it all. Though, Chaos told me I had to be there for her. She would break without me. She'd shatter, losing her sister like that. I couldn't let that happen. I had to stay strong to keep Tempest strong, even if I didn't think I could manage it. After I had said what were likely my final goodbyes to Chaos, I spoke with Lightning for the same reason, with tears flowing from my eyes, just as they had been when Chaos and I spoke with one another in that small room with the velvet furniture.

After I left the Justice Building having said my goodbyes, I waited for Tempest and Typhoon. I took a deep breath and tried to calm myself down before they arrived. My tears had stopped by the time they showed up, but it was still obvious by looking at my face that I had been crying my eyes out only moments before. We walked home in silence. This was something we rarely ever did, as normally, we were very social with one another. At least, Chaos, Lightning and I were. Perhaps it wasn't just the fact that they had volunteered that made us so quiet. It could have been silent if they had just had to make a stop at a local shop and had us walk home to meet them there. This was a different kind of silence, though. This was the silence that everyone dreaded.

Dead silence; silence that occurred when you knew that someone you loved was going to wind up dead.

When we got into the house, Typhoon finally burst. I was actually somewhat surprised that Typhoon was the first one. They were usually calm and collected, and not one to act out, but I knew why they did. Anger was their version of my tears. Typhoon swiped an empty glass to the floor with a scream of rage. Then, the glass shattered, just like any hope I may have had for our family that was slowly falling apart. Now, I knew we were far past broken. There was nothing we could do to get ourselves back together, even if one of them came home.

I could no longer hold back my tears when I saw my sibling's rage. That was when I realized I was starting to feel the same way. I wasn't just upset anymore. I wasn't just distressed. I was angry. Perhaps I wasn't as angry as Typhoon, but I still was starting to feel the frustration build up. I clenched my fists, as well as my jaw, and felt like I wanted to pull at my hair. Though, I stopped myself. I needed to be in control. Lightning and Chaos wouldn't want me to break down like this. If they knew that I was starting to lose control, I knew that it would effect them.

I couldn't hold everything in, though. I went into the kitchen, opened one of the food cupboards, and took out an apple. I started digging my nails into it, rather than eating it, as I needed something to take out my anger on without hurting anyone. Unfortunately, my frustration got to the point that I threw the apple to the floor, stomping on it with my foot to crush it into mush.

Luckily, this had gotten out my rage, for the most part. Then, I collapsed to the floor, breaking down in tears. Then, I shouted out one last thing before I realized I had exerted too much energy into my rage and distress.

"I don't know what the Hell to do anymore!"

Then the room started to spin, and I something happened that I couldn't stop. I blacked out, my body too weak to take any more emotional or physical stress.

is home really home anymore?