cosmo midnight [ helios v. horses ] day 4

Cannon fodder, ricocheting in a deaf boy's ears -- I shudder. I was supposed to be stronger than this; weaker than this? I can't really tell, how would dying willingly change my morals? It's hard to question in the dark, a buzzing noise, glittering lights through the blanket like star dust.

Maybe it's Percy- 

That's stupid

I know, I know. 

Pretty lights, enchanting and I don't feel so bad if this is how I go out; roses, cosmos lights, stained glass dragon wings and maybe it's not as bad as I think it is. No water, no allies, no food, I'll just die but it can't be worse than that, right? 

And I'm talking to myself a lot these days- today. Everything runs together to the point of one day being twenty four, twenty four tributes turning into fifty two; everything bends and distorts in a way I cannot process past deaf eyes, deaf heart past that of myself and I've been talking to myself a lot recently. 

They caress my cheeks and maybe they aren't as gorgeous as I believe, wings fluttering against my skin as I hear one swim past me, hear one hit the armor on my forehead, tied to my skin under the blanket; we should just bleed together these things. Fits like a crown in my flesh, god no I'm losing it- think like Eszter, breathe like Eszter, bleed like everything-

"Percy-?"

My hand reaching to the air before I catch myself; it's hard not to fall in love with pixie lights, with cosmo sunlight. Y'know you can make a compass out of a knife? Figured that out, stab it in the ground and tick tick tock the shadow points uhh, one way- right? If you know the time at least you know your way to wherever you're going, but I have no knives.

I have no eyes. 

Shit the second catches by my ear, location on my tongue- where do I want to be where do I need to be, where is Eszter and Iris and Elettra and ElvainaandBrookeandScarlett and Lucas and Percy.

Maybe this is where I want to be, buried in roses and cosmos and love in my cheeks, my face hot in sunlight, maybe dying here wouldn't be too bad but I've got places to be, Eszter needs me, right- right yeah, Iris wanted something god what was it I'll just have to ask her later. Gotta sell that thing to Elettra, she never smiled much but I understand the whole sister thing right Percy- ha- I grip my brief case, rosaries in my hand hand hand ha.

Pixie lights - "I'm headed on somewhere that isn't quite here, you know."

[ firestorm ]

Trouble on my tongue, I can't quite pinpoint it past a gut reaction; I'm terrified of not feeling terrified. Something profound - ha - haha, I hold my tongue in my hand, no blood just skin, how can I be terrified of a feeling? I'm not scared of being happy- or am I, oh no I may be. My head spins on a loose axle, the world under barefeet a callous of somethings, something something I can't really put my hand on it but it's under me and I'm up here regardless some place dizzier. 

If that's possible. 

They buzz around me, fairies, pixie lights, tiny things I told stories about to the church kids, bright faced and happy and yellow and Helios, the sun, Percy used to love me. I don't know if she loved me before she died, y'know? She hugged me, kicked and screamed and I bled out in that room before she died and one light swings around my arm, like a coax. 

Coated in liquor, blind and off balance, I throw- what was I using? Oh dear this is awkward, ha, uh, I throw it and fall over, the world in vertigo and lights, "sorry, sorry," I'm not normally like this, you see, Eszter I've had quite a mighty fine hard rough time out here, this is crazy. It's so insane, blanket on my head, dehydration in my blood stream like a goddamn curse and lord I may as well kneel over now if I thought I would figure any of this out. 

Lord have mercy cause Percy and I sure do need it.

[ firestorm ]