bexler braun, district four | finished

Bexler swore never to be like his father. His mother had made him promise at least that much during his childhood; pushed his hair out of his face and kissed his forehead with a gentleness that seemed to linger even after she pulled away. "You can be anything, just be a better man than he was," she had whispered, and Bex nodded with a distant gaze. He was always known for the cloudiness of his eyes — how he seemed to be listening for something that no one but him could hear, letting everything else go through one ear and out the other. He really was paying attention, though. Just in his own certain kind of way.

He had the unique talent of being late and still finishing first. Bex was born twenty minutes after his twin, Benny, and yet he was able to make up for his delay by speeding far beyond his brother in their early stages of development. His cries of "Mama, I'm hungry!" were followed by a simple "Blue! Blue!" His first steps were trailed by a brother who could only crawl, and when Bexler began to run, Blu had no chance of catching up. He never could. Not that it made Bex love Blu any less, but it wasn't like Bexler showed him a proper amount of it in the first place.

"I'm focusing," he'd snap when Blu would run up asking him to play, pushing his twin to the side and returning to stare out their shared window at something in the distance. He was always searching. And when Blu would ask for help on a particularly tough school assignment, Bex would only crinkle his nose in disgust and go to sit alone in a corner by himself. "I already finished that, Blu. I'm not doing it again." It was never that Blu was unloved — he just wasn't noticed. Bexler felt sorry when he reflected on his actions, and he had always meant to apologize, but that hadn't stopped him from walking away.

When they imprisoned his father for drug abuse and the trafficking of illegal substances, the decision came upon the brothers to choose where they would end up. Bex stayed with his mother, but Blu went to live with their wealthy grandfather. Seemingly the easier route, but surely not without its hardships — Benny had to start over from scratch. Bexler missed Blu at night, not realizing how comforting such annoying snores could actually be, but at least the days were finally silent. He learned to sharpen his mind, to focus; and as Blu trained and studied as a career, Bexler found that he had a passion for coming to the aid of others.

( A ghost at a family reunion snickers, 

but Bex doesn't notice. )

He'd help his mother with cooking when her hands got tired, and then he'd jog down the street just to carry an elderly woman's groceries for her; he wanted to be the better man that he had promised to be. And for a time, things were well. He still lost himself in his thoughts, a clumsy smile spilling over his features with an airy laugh, but he got better at holding conversations. He wanted to visit Blu, to make up for all the lost time, but he never got the chance. "Want to go visit Benny and your grandfather today?" his mother would ask, and he'd suck in air through his teeth, checking an imaginary watch on his wrist and chuckling. "Can't, Ma! I've got people to save."

District Four's PTA took some convincing when it came to accepting a criminal's son into their ranks, but beyond that smudge, the Brauns were a well-respected family, known for their wealth and loyalty to the Capitol; not to mention that the boy was the perfect picture of a citizen that was worthy of being idolised, albeit absentminded at times. Red cheeks and a cheery grin, it was hard to turn away someone who genuinely only wanted to do good. Which he did, until lines were blurred. He gave his all to his studies and his lessons, resting near enough the top of his classes to be content, but just low enough to keep himself determined. He was written off as a dork; the kind of guy good for nothing but comedic relief and cracking immature jokes at the wrong times, but he was better than they imagined. Strong and selfless and always listening to others, even when he wasn't looking.

Mateus Marshal became his best friend; troubled and conflicted and with more ghosts pressing against his shoulders than Bexler could ever hope to carry, but Bex got to see the brighter side of him, too. The sharp smirk, the way his left eye would twitch when he winked, and how he'd clutch his jaw as if pain when he was laughing. They hadn't meant to fall in love, but they did, even if Mateus was against being public. Bexler never minded the whispers; his sexuality was never questioned by his friends or his family, but just the same, it wasn't his place to dismiss his boyfriend's caution. They'd kiss in shadows and hold each other close only in abandoned houses, and when others came in sight, Bexler would let himself be pushed away and he'd nod in support. Someday, they could be honest; that was what he always told himself. Someday would come eventually.

Even if certain obstacles tried to get in the way of that future. When he was approached by a drug cartel for a job as a dealer at sixteen, he had at first laughed and shrugged the offer off, but they knew where to hit him. "You'd be a big help." He hated how that was all it took. "Really? I would be?" he had questioned, smiling wide and goofy and just imagining how proud his boyfriend— friend would be at his willingness to do good. He was accepted by the cartel with open arms, and despite his promise to his mother, Bexler found himself rising up the ladder of the organization and becoming one of their best dealers. It was hard to deny those bright eyes, but it was even harder to see him for what he was; what he couldn't even see himself as. He just wanted to help, and even it was wrong, he wanted to believe that there was more than just one kind of justice.

Not that things ever truly worked out as planned. People lost their lives when he brought his dealing close too home; a brother of a fellow student dying way too soon and others even being looped into becoming dealers alongside him. It became a huge scandal, interrogation after interrogation, but despite being the ringleader, Bexler escaped. Because no one was willing to assume that he could be capable of such a thing; because Mateus was willing to throw everyone else under the bus just to save his boyfriend. He should have scolded him, begged him to correct himself and to see Bexler pay for his actions, but he didn't. And he should have ended his affiliation with the gang after it ruined so many people, but he couldn't. He still wanted to help his friends there, while also being there for his family on the other side. He had so much he wanted to do; so many relationships to rebuild and so much that he wanted to become. He just wanted to be something. Just wanted to find the missing piece of his puzzle.

He asked for this burden,
but he can't carry everything;

Atlas never taught him how.

[ DARS ]