the crushing weight of hope {canvas oneshot}

Shaky hands run across the top of the tombstones wiping the dust and dirt away. Rain falls from the sky, birds chirp in the air. Normally it's a beautiful day, yet the sun hides from those seeking it's presence. The earth is nothing more than a giant canvas, and the artist in the sky draws how life is lived. But it doesn't stop me from dropping to my knees in front of the grave that started it all. Five years ago I stood in the district square with my chin dropped to the ground as Lily took her place on the stage volunteering for someone I never knew. It's something that many won't understand, and as I watched her fall in the games as the knife pierced her delicate eyes, something fell inside me. A broken heart stammers inside my chest, pounding against my ribs. It hurts, and I'm tired of people telling me to move on. That it's okay to live a life that I normally lived.

They don't realize how much the loss of a family member cuts through the threads holding a life together.

So much has changed, and it continues changing as my blue eyes lock on the stone. Wind blows through my messy hair all while the rain tries plastering it against the side of my face. Conflicting actions take place all around me. I want to smile because that's what Lily would want, but at the same time I want to cry because a void grows larger within the walls of my chest, and nothing fills it. I reach forward and pluck the weeds away. It's all I can do to make sure her final resting place looks as nice as possible, but it still doesn't mend the holes left behind as she scurried towards the stage.

And if that wasn't enough, her twin volunteered right after here. Graves nearly side by side. Paige wanted to be brave, and yet she didn't understand all the times I tried telling her that. Saying goodbye was hard because I wanted to give her hope. Something to keep her going, but it ended as a spear drove through her throat.

Having a name of Hope doesn't mean that hope lives on. It's a lost cause, but I try to keep it alive. Someone has to. Someone must go on while the rest of the world dies alone. A burden needs a shoulder to lift it up, a shoulder strong enough to carry it for a while, but that shoulder isn't me. The weight crushed me the moment Eva and Gentian volunteered for the current games. A plot is already prepared for Gentian, and I just pray to a non existing god that Eva doesn't join the ranks of the deceased.

Having hope may keep her alive, but right now I feel like the name is cursed.

Carrying them has become harder and harder, and yet I keep myself going because it's what they would want.

Many times my feet drag against the ground, and I try to move myself forward without any struggle, but man I'd be lying if I told someone it's an easy life because it isn't. Sometimes when I'm sleeping I toss and turn as the nightmares creep back in.

But today I just want to sit down and draw a picture. Hold the family together. Do something, anything that can mend the tattered threads barely holding me together. Life keeps going on, yet I feel stuck in the endless cycle of a storm tearing through the district.

A single tear falls down my face leaving a streak through the dirt staining my cheeks -

"I hope you both are running free wherever you may be."