falling down skyscrapers. (Caesi oneshot)

I sat in my room, huddled in the warmth of a blanket that barely stretched past my feet.  I lay awake, tossing and turning, trying to get a grip on my day.

I was pushed out of the way in class today, moved because I was in the way.  And I thought in that moment, am I a nuisance?

Caesi Stront was not a nuisance, but:

Caesi Stront was not a name that you heard come out of a lot of mouths in six.  Most of the time, I was the one that was overlooked in a crowd because I either didn’t stand out, or I didn’t meet expectation enough.  The only time I stood out was when people wanted to talk about my beauty.  I was known as the pretty girl.  The one who had striking looks, but was never smart enough.  Good enough.  When I interacted with my mother however, I was told I was good enough.  Smart enough.  However, I didn’t feel like she was being honest with me. 

I wanted to be like my older brother Franc.  He was born to be a doctor, people were in awe with how smart he was.  There would be times when he would come up to me and ask what I was working on.  My pride told me to tell him to go away, but for some reason, he still made it a point to help me do my homework.  It was like he was always trying to protect me.  I didn’t want that though.  I wanted to show my worth as a member of this district.  I wanted to prove that I could do anything by myself.  When I would tell Franc this, he would simply laugh and continue to help me with whatever I was working on.  Mother said it was because he loved me.  He wanted me to succeed so no one would have to worry about me.  My friends that I did have told me that I am reading way too much into it, and that a little help was never a bad thing.  However, my pride stood like a ten-foot wall.  Cowering over my conscious like a skyscraper that I could never break down.  I wasn’t strong enough.

Then there was Lithe, who also, was smart, but was more street smart than anything.  He could navigate anywhere on his feet.  He didn’t need to use any type of map, all he needed was the wind and his intuition.  I know if he were ever reaped for the games, I wouldn’t have to worry about him getting lost.  He might be a couple years younger than me, but he was the free spirit of the family.  He didn’t let anything stop him from exploring whatever was put in front of him. 

Rubi was the baby, but he was also the one who people knew was going to go places in six.  He was the smart, tenacious, and innovative.  I could never compare to the feats hes already completed since he started.  By the time he was ten, he was already learning medical training.  Basic medical training, but medical training none the less.  Mother always made sure we knew the basics when it came to herb remedies, but Rubi was on his way to learning how to practice real, scientific medicine.  Not the Holistic stuff we are taught at a young age. Of course, there was still a lot more he had to learn in science, but people were sure he was going to best that in a short amount of time.

And then there was me.  Normal, silent, sweet Caesi.  I didn’t excel at anything special.  Minus maybe endurance but who gave a hoot about that.  If I couldn’t be competent enough to heal someone of wounds, then what use was I to anyone in six? 

People didn’t even think about me when it came to science.

They just saw someone who was afraid to try.

Maybe it was because of my father that I was afraid of trying.  I didn’t want to end up like he did.  He made one grave miscalculation and well, boom.  And it wasn’t one of those booms that was controlled.  It was one of those booms that nearly blew up half the lab.  Most of the other scientists were lucky to get out, however, not my dad.  From a young age, its just be me, and my brothers and mom, against a district that nearly blamed us for a grave miscalculation.  My father paid for it with his life, and the rest of us paid for it in shame.  Shame that was going to be hard to live down for the rest of our lives.  Lithe, Franc, and Rubi have all found their places though in the district, and me?  I am still lost in the maze of six.  The maze of my own thoughts.  Thoughts that jump out at you and scare you until you don’t feel anything anymore.  I felt like I was drowning in them, suffocating, clinging on to dry wood to pull myself up to breath but never quite strong enough to do so.

What did I have to show?

What was I good at?

I really didn’t know.

I was a fast runner, but physical activity didn’t get much attention anywhere in six.  You had to have the brains here, not the brawn.  I thought about running away, and possibly being a wanderer, but I couldn’t do that.  I had Rubi, and my mother to watch over.  Lithe and Franc could watch themselves, but Rubi, as much as he claimed he could handle things by himself, he never could.  Common sense eluded him, which was something that I thought I might be better at than my brothers.  However, I remember that Lithe still has me beat.

Maybe I was the bleeding heart of my family.  Maybe I was the one who held everyone together.  I was the blanket that could cover everyone with warmth.  I was the pretty face that couldn’t get ignored even though I wasn’t the brains.  I could be the champion that could bring my family out of shame.  Sure, it had been 8 years, but people still gave my mother dirty looks when we would go anywhere in six.

I couldn’t escape looks either.

Neither could Lithe, Franc, or Rubi.

Sometimes I wished I would be reaped for the games.  And then I remember just how awful that might be.  There hasn’t been a victor in six in years, and while maybe that could change this year, my doubts are low, just like my expectations.  He was missing a foot, and the girl from four looked like she was armed and ready to strike at any notice. 

I thought about how fierce she was, and how I wished I could be like her some days.  Not afraid of a fight.  Not afraid of her shadow.  Not afraid of herself.

She was a dangerous person, and that was something that I wanted to be.

Well, maybe not as bloodthirsty.

I wanted to be strong, but that was hard to do so when you are never offered the opportunity to do so.  Never a chance to show my worth.  Everyone just skips over me like I am nothing special.

That is where I must change those ideas of me.

I am special.

I must make people believe it.

I looked out the window and shut my eyes, rest was the only thing I needed right now.