bay eon. nine. fin.

in my dreams i live by the sea.

i can't smell in dreams. i envy those children from four, those lost souls that come back from the games having tasted sand and saltwater. teddy and klaus and all the rest, i e n v y them and i know i shouldn't. but i do. they make my fists curl up tight, my body shake, earthquakes between my ears. in my dreams i am buried in grains of sand and yet i still can't smell the sea.

perhaps i came from there, long ago, and my lust is made of memories on loop. childlike in my ways, i dream up stories about where i came from and scribble down the words in my head. of course, i know what they tell me happened is true and right and factual. that i arrived on a doorstep screaming and they called me baby, but then baby grew up and they couldn't call me baby anymore. nobody here likes mouthfuls of names because we're too busy throwing punches and kissing our bruised knuckles to bother with such lavishness. jj, lief, espy, lace-

oh shit, lace.

i couldn't say glacia, not ever, so baby named her lace and lace named her bay.

and then she sent me into unconsciousness night after night and i stayed away from her and her knives and her hand clasped tightly in wests - liefs, shit, she -- 

i mean he-

likes to be called lief now.

anyway, back to lace. thought she could outsmart 'em, not used to 6 v 1 in the fighting pits. what a dumbass -- fuck, i shouldn't say that but i don't care, she was dumb. and now she's dead.

tragic.

"you know bay you're really fucking insensitive-"

"and you're really fucking sensitive."

smash my fist into the side of some girls head and watch her crumble, ha. 

"and shit at fighting."

spit on her face, bells ring and i win.

"stupid bitch."

get beat by a fourteen year old?  fucking pathetic man, even i know that.

anyway, i think i came from the sea.

not that i'd spill that secret out loud, they'd tell me i'm stupid. dreaming. i think we all dream in this place. look out to the sky, the horizon, the rest of the world and wish we had any other choice but the house of eons. there's no room in district nine for a mousy little girl, all spindly limbs and brittle hair and bruises. if my own parents didn't want me why should anyone else? gap in my teeth, grit underneath my nails, words that don't heal. all i know is to hurt - with my fists, with my words, with anything i can. maybe my parents knew this all along, and maybe that's why they sent me far away from district four. maybe that's why i'm so good at fighting, because i came from there.

maybe they knew i couldn't love, or be loved. just hurt, hurt, hurt.

i look out the window and see lief sitting in that giant tree outside. winter stole its flowers and leaves and winter stole away lace. i think i'd feel bad for her-- him, shit, if i wasn't such an insensitive asshole. something inside of me calls out and tells me to go and talk to him, but i don't know. i'd probably say the wrong thing, right?

maybe i should just disappear. leave. die, in the dead of winter, let the blood in my veins freeze and my face turn white as snow.

nobody would miss baby bay and her little brat attitude. i hear them whisper, seethe my name underneath their breaths. everyone here has someone - umbria has espy. lief has - had - lace. flare hates my guts and jj, well, i think jj and i are two very different beings. i'm the baby. tiny. small. will beat you in a fight and spit in your face and you won't ever want to hear from her again. i have nobody but myself and my salt-stained dreams.

i wish it would rain. i wish that i could stand outside as the sky wept and i would slowly melt away, just me and the tears from the clouds until i trickled away, finding the ocean again. let it fill my mouth, my lungs, my veins. swallow it whole and let it swallow me back. i wish for a lot of things. yet i'm still sitting here, staring at the clear blue sky and hoping for rain clouds instead and drowning in my dreams.

in my dreams i drown. over and over again.

and i cherish that ghost of a feeling.

since dars' ass aint staff yet, imma have to call upon my boi @fabulousraven for the dibs of my lace replacement lmaooo