tarver fray | one | fin

welcome to your life
there's no turning back, even while we sleep
we will find You acting on your best behavior
turn your back on mother nature

Love is a subjective thing, isn't it?

My entire life, I've seen these parents walk around, talk about this non-conditional bullshit, pretending that it's okay if their children are all fuck ups, and that is a lie. I wonder if those parents would be okay if people could hear their thoughts as easily as the words they spoke out loud— they'd probably have a damn heart attack.

Good. If the world has even one less person who lacks the ability to build strong, independent children, I call it a win.

And yet, because I have always been up front about my intentions, I'm the bad guy. Damn, guess state-of the-art training equipment, lavish housing, and a dynasty to rival any in Panem's existence just isn't enough if you don't tuck the kiddies in every night and read them that god damn story about the pigs and the beanstalk or whatever.

I know, I know— money cannot buy happiness. Bet it was much more comfortable for them to cry into those silk sheets than under a bridge, though.

I still remember when the kids were younger. The academy was just starting up, Ursula and I were being invited to parties by One's most elite, and the Fray family, my blood, was suddenly something sought after. Damn straight.

And don't get me wrong, I am proud of my children. Kellan is marrying into another high-profile family, Justice is a victor, Rian runs circles around everyone in the Training Center, Labyrinth is a shoe in for valedictorian. It just sucks that they waited until we adopted a shit ton of charity cases to become good, you know?

I won't lie, when Scout died, the reality of our situation did hit a little bit harder than I expected it to. She had always worn her talent on her sleeve, a girl proud of her last name. She had a lot of my personality, that one. Honest to a fault, wrathful by nature. It took me a long time to control my anger, and Scout didn't ever get the chance.

It was only after her death that I started feeling all sentimental and guilty. Maybe just one bed time story wouldn't have hurt.

When Justice got reaped, I was prepared to see him die. Not that I wanted him to, of course. It's just that, once a guy loses one child, it seems hard to imagine anything else happening when another child is put into the same situation.

Plus, to be honest, Justice wasn't as talented as people seem to think. I had seen Scout beat him at least a dozen times in sparring matches, and she hadn't even gotten top twelve in her games. Logically, the odds weren't in his favor. And every time someone stepped toward him with their blade drawn, I was convinced his breath would soon be stopped. Every night, when the anthem was posted and the cameras cut to those vain eyes of his watching the sky, I worried it would be the last time he would see stars.

But he lived.

Justice, of all my children, lived.

He came home with a crown on his head, the Capitol chanting his name, celebrity status tattooed into his spirit, victorship following his every move.

Wake up call: I was right after all. Naturally.

If I had been wrong about Justice, then I was certainly wrong about Pillar. Little princess used to prance around here, anxious to prove something to us while we were busy looking elsewhere. I feel bad for that, I do. That was my fault. If I had ever stopped clapping as Rian decapitated a dummy in one swoop, or grinning when Kaiser took down someone several years older than him, or thinking that's my boy when Kellan broke his own records, I would've seen that Pillar was a damn good athlete.

I think she was trying to win in an attempt to spite her mother and I, actually. And I wish she had. I wish she would've brought home the gold, laughed in our faces and told us we were always wrong about her. And she almost did. She got far enough that I allowed myself to hope for her return, and then things went south.


By the time Kaiser was reaped, I should've been numb, huh? Five years put four of my children on the top of death's list, and only one managed to cheat the darkness. It should've been clockwork, a hollow ticking when I heard his name called at the reaping— Kaiser Fray— but I only felt weak. Helpless, I guess. I always had a soft spot for that one. Kid looked just like me, shared my passion for the win, always strived for success. When he died, I lost my composure a bit.

Well, more than a bit. But flipped tables can be turned back over, broken windows replaced. Didn't change the fact that Ursula was going to have to order another tombstone, or that I was going to have to buy a new suit of clothes for my own dead child.

She was always stronger than me, my wife. Or, she was better at hiding that weakness I felt when Kaiser was reaped. She wore a mask of painted on features, porcelain darling with a knife tugged snugly into her garter. God, she really was a good choice, huh? When no one else understood my decisions, when everyone thought I pushed my students, my own children too far, Ursula was there to tell me they were all wrong. She was never subtle about welding my armor when she found chinks in it, a firm believer in rebirth and in change.

When I dropped the ball, she was always there to shove a spare into my hands and swear nothing ever happened.

Plus, and I gotta say it, she's still the one whom the spotlight follows when she walks into a room. No one, and I do mean no one can go through as many pregnancies and years of hard work and dedication as she has and still remain completely sexy.

There are times, though, when I can sense that when she looks at me, she might wish she were looking at someone else. I gave her everything her parents and mine ever said she would need: Money, security, a nice house, and a spotless reputation. I often look back on our time together, though, and wonder if I ever bothered giving her love.

But, I guess children, dead or ungrateful one, have a way of making a man think like that, huh? Puts everything into perspective. She wouldn't ever leave me— loves the status just as much as me. Shallow love, conditional love... that had always seemed like the most logical choice. Seemed to give everyone an incentive. And I built the empire, got the gold.

But shit.

Now I am left to wonder if anyone in this god forsaken kingdom would cry if I were to die, and I gotta say, I'm really starting to realize the answer, and I don't like it.

I make a decision, fastening the last of the buttons on my shirt, putting my watch on, checking myself in the mirror to make sure my hair looks okay, that things are going to e different. In the Training Center, I'll be who I have always been. I'll push my students, I'll push my faculty.

But when dinner is ready and my family sits at the table to eat, I'll be different. Better.

For the first time ever, I'll be a father.

everybody wants to rule the world
it's my own desire, it's my own remorse
help me to decide help me make the most
of freedom and of pleasure

song: everybody wants to rule the world