blondie burceska {d2} cb, fin

Sometimes I think that I'm too in touch with reality. I'm not really a dreamer, I'm far too much of sceptic, far too realistic to ever have my heads high up in the clouds and play blind whilst my imagination runs wild. I'm just one of those people that has moments; stopping and staring, contemplating on the itty-bitty things from my childhood. Tunnel-vision immediately strikes when I find a weakness and I can't help it, I just go in, all guns blazing, desperately trying to tear myself down before I'm even up.

It's pretty sad actually. I wouldn't say I'm depressed because I have moments which are nicer, special and offer a sense of safety. My sister saying my name for the first time and my dad walking without his stick... it's not bitter, only sweet. But there are some things that make me question myself - is this the life we just have to accept? Why do I feel like I have components that constitute a broken person? Is it insecurity that makes me feel like I'm not worth it? Is it something bigger? The worst part is that I don't even know what it is.

I guess that I'm my own worst enemy. With money, with possibility, I'd start all over. My own reinvention. I look at myself and see someone who has become what people have wanted her to become. My father's wide eyes and my mother's crooked nose; if all I am is a bunch of other people's parts, what does it mean to be Blondie? Not having blonde hair, for sure, but still - shit is deep. I like the idea of reinvention, though, because perhaps it'd make me feel something, even if it is loss from letting go of my old self.