Caspian Einfallen D6 [CB!FIN]

My mind is a battleground. Words flying around of wants and can'ts like the world isn't collapsing at the center of my own doing. Emotions play me in ways that push me further and further into the tar that is my depression and anxiety. Chained to the constant rhythm of wanting to do more with my life, but watching as my feet turn to stone, unable to move because my mind is a constant war. I don't breath like everyone else does. It's constant pressure of a weight that doesn't exist there, but it pushes and pushes with a force that I used to believe was nothing more than the norm that people carried. Bottling my feelings up before it overwhelms me and overflows to a collapse of the world.

Sleep doesn't come most nights. Restless times where sleeping doesn't come until I run my body into the ground of exhaustion. Though, I could spend hours in bed, asleep for the entire day because it feels safer that way. Mornings consist of a constant talk of should I or should I not because I don't know which answer will spare myself from the suffering of the war frame of mind that is my mental health. Two ideas that focus on the past and the present which fire at one another with ice and fire like my body could handle it. I'm just holding on to the fresh air that I can reach. My life consists of this constant every second of consciousness, but I still find hope in a place where things feel like I shouldn't be able to.

Therapy helps. It does help, but I can't help that I am standing here in the early morning with a cigarette between my teeth letting the smoke rise into the air holding out for a moment of peace. I need just one moment where regression doesn't seem to find me. One moment to just catch my breath and feel like I could be weightless in a world where everything was a chain. A deep breath and the words of my therapist crossing my mind as I whisper words meant to be relieving.

"You are okay."

And I would be with time.