the first part of losing [emmy]

You don’t know what it is like to jump from one platform to the next.

At least, that is what you told yourself time and time again. You, the boy who watched his brother die in a games that would go down in infamy. Vallis Winchester would be kin to the boy who wanted to rope the moon, and as much as you wanted to hide from that title, you accepted it for what it was.

A title.

One that would probably lose its meaning as you grew older.

But the sting of losing Caine would always remain, because you knew way too well that your family was no longer known as the Winchester Clan. Your family became the ones who lost someone to the games, just like the Rose’s did when they lost Bella the same year.

There was no way to shed that name, unless none of the other children went into the games, and you didn’t like those chances. You knew well enough that there was no way to spare you all from that pain, unless time caught up with you and you were lucky enough to age out. However, it couldn’t come quick enough, and realistically, it felt like Caine had died yesterday.

It had been a while since he was gone, and you were the only person that had noticed. Ma still grieved in one hundred different ways, while Pa couldn’t find a way to let go of the cowboy hats that Caine collected.

You though, Val, found a way to let go of him quicker than the rest of his family, and maybe that was because you didn’t acknowledge the fact that he was gone. Instead, you didn’t acknowledge him at all. Out of sight, out of mind. That is what you decided.

Did it work all the time? No.

Were you ever able to do what Caine couldn’t do?

Rope the moon?

No.

You never would be able to do that.

But you could at least try right?

---

You made your way outside of the ranch, because today wasn’t a normal day for your family.

An anniversary of Caine’s death.

The mood was set first thing in the morning, a box of his things were brought out of his old room and Ma cried while holding each peace. You didn’t realize how hard it was for her to let go, and a part of you wanted to tell her that she was a fool for not letting go.

That wasn’t your place though.

Your place was to be strong for the family, that is what you assumed since you were the first one to let go of Caine.

The one to come up for air after drowning in the blood that was spilled by the boy from six.

And through those crimson tides, you told yourself that you had so many chances to experience life for what it was.

For Caine.

For everyone in your family.

But you had to learn how to let it all go.

And so you did.

But you knew what today was for the rest of your family.

And so the choice was, to be respectful and do what they wished, or to make sure you were scarce.

So you chose the latter.

You took deep breathes as you sat outside the ranch entrance, a lasso in your hand, Caine’s Lasso in your hands.

Your parents didn’t even know you had it, and you wanted it to stay that way. After all, Caine said to take it for yourself. Just in case he didn’t come back.

You took multiple paces away from the posts of the gate, locking eyes with it as you began to swing the rope in the air.

This was nothing new to you, as the rope made halos in the air, you could feel Caine by your side, a hand resting on your shoulder as you let that rope fly along the air.

You might not be able to rope the moon, but you could at least rope a post that symbolized the moon.

While everyone else was grieving, you didn’t waste any time doing so, because Caine would always be with you. The memories of him still fresh in your mind. You’ll always miss him, but learning to love and let go was just a part of life.

Something you did a long time ago.