I'm Not Okay and It's Not Alright {Lola/Nico}

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kap
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goomy goomy on the brain

I'm Not Okay and It's Not Alright {Lola/Nico} May 23, 2019 9:53:23 GMT -5

Post by kap on May 23, 2019 9:53:23 GMT -5

[googlefont="Fredericka the Great:400"]Lola Lillabelle-Laws

"Got a hole in my soul growing deeper and deeper
And I can't take
One more moment of this silence"

As Jayne's body fell to the ground in that arena, I started to feel anger well up inside of me. I was usually a kind, gentle person who was full of positive thoughts, but that changed drastically if you hurt someone I cared about. My fists clenched and my eyes welled with tears as I saw it happen. I heard Jayne spill out her final words, and they echoed my thoughts in that very moment.

"Fuck you, Nico Thorne."

I wished in that moment that I could have said those exact same words to the boy who put a spear into my sister's eye. Watching the rest of the Games, I just hoped and prayed that someone would kill him. I wanted someone to take him down, ending his life like he had ended Jayne's life, but it didn't happen. Instead, he emerged victorious, and that meant that he'd be returning home. Unfortunately, home for him was District Twelve, just like it was for me. I didn't know how I'd react should I have to face him, but I was sure that I'd eventually find out.

As the Games concluded and the victory tour approached, Nico visited the various districts of Panem, surely meeting and greeting with many different types of people. Some would probably be congratulatory, sure, but some would likely be bitter like myself, too. I wasn't quite ready to meet him when the day came, but that didn't matter. It was happening anyway, and it was time to tell Nico, the killer of Jayne Ashbrook-Laws, what I truly thought of him.

When I saw him in person for the first time, my heart started pounding. I felt adrenaline pulsing through me, and I knew I had to say what was on my mind. I approached the new victor and stood in front of him, a stern look on my face.

"Fuck you, Nico Thorne," I said to him. The last words Jayne had spoken to Nico were the first words I spoke to Nico.

He wouldn't be forgetting those words anytime soon, I was sure.

lyrics: "Drown" by Bring Me The Horizon
Notes: Feel free to make this a blitz. I accidentally made my post a little less blitzy than I meant to.
🌱 kaitlin.

Last Edit: May 23, 2019 13:10:37 GMT -5 by kap

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I'm Not Okay and It's Not Alright {Lola/Nico} Jun 5, 2019 20:49:57 GMT -5

Post by 🌱 kaitlin. on Jun 5, 2019 20:49:57 GMT -5

n i c o t h o r n e

Fuck you, Nico Thorne.

The words echo through him every moment of every day. He hears them in everything he does, remembers what Jayne looked like as blood spilled from her body. He doesn't remember the before though, not really, doesn't remember making any conscious decision to walk right up to her a steal her life. It doesn't feel like it should, doesn't feel now, looking back, like it could have been his hands that did the killing. Pride had always been a selfish, fickle bitch, and today the beast was hungry. Nico could feel it gnawing away at his heart, tearing its way through his blood, leaving him standing among the ruins like some broken apart version of himself that he doesn't understand. He feels as though he is a million miles away from the boy that he had been in that god-forsaken arena, feels like he has changed and become someone new all over again.

He knows, rationally, that it won't last. He knows that he will careen into his heart again soon, that the sun will hide behind a cloud in the sky, or fall prey to the soot and ash that hangs in their air throughout Twelve and disappear at just the wrong moment. He knows that he would rather set himself on fire than ever feel that pain and grief again, that absolute loathing and self-hatred for killing two girls who didn't deserve to die, and another that he still can't make up his mind about. Nico knows that at the exact wrong moment he will remember that he was the boy who had walked up to Jayne and killed her.

But he can't feel it.

And he doesn't know if he ever will.

He remembers the grief, remembers wandering to the edge of the sunflower fields and standing before the lake bed, remembers the dry dirt that made him think about home and he remembers turning away from it. He remembers the sight of Francis disappearing into the flowers, becoming one with the earth in the way that only he could. He remembers the unbearable, horrible ache that had ransacked his chest, ripped out his heart and left behind only empty pain. He can't remember it, can't remember putting his pitchfork through her eye, but still, he hears Fuck you, Nico Thorne.

And he is undone by it.

It's like he's back there all over again, fighting for his life, fighting for the boy that he had loved and lost so completely. She comes out of nowhere, plants herself right in front of him, and there it is. Fuck you, Nico Thorne. Every nerve ending in his entire body sets itself on fire, and he can feel every hair on his arm stand straight up. His heart leaps up into his throat, and he grinds his teeth together, clenches his jaw and feels his heartbeat kick into high speed. He can barely breathe, remembers spears being dug into his cheek and the pain of his arm being severed at the elbow. All it takes are those four key words, and Nico forgets himself completely for a moment, relives every pain he felt in those months in a single second.

He recognizes her.

That makes it worse.

"Fuck you, too, Laws," he says through his clenched jaw, body ready for a fight that he doesn't want, a fight that he wants, desperately, to run away from. He wants to be anywhere else, wants to protect himself, to run away from the truth of what he's done. "Does that make it better?" he goes on. "Should I be a villain for you? Spit on your feet and push you to the ground?" He feels sick, wants to go, wants to run, but he can't. "Does that make it easier?"

641.

Last Edit: Jun 5, 2019 20:56:25 GMT -5 by 🌱 kaitlin.

what are men to rocks and mountains?

a haunted house.

kap
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I'm Not Okay and It's Not Alright {Lola/Nico} Jun 10, 2019 12:13:10 GMT -5

Post by kap on Jun 10, 2019 12:13:10 GMT -5

[googlefont="Fredericka the Great:400"]Lola Lillabelle-Laws

"Got a hole in my soul growing deeper and deeper
And I can't take
One more moment of this silence"

"Fuck you, too, Laws"

Nico's words are just as sharp as mine, if not more so. His speech cuts into me like the spear in Jayne's eye. It makes me want to scream out. It makes me want to fight back. It makes me want to punch him in the throat. I've never been the violent type, but Nico Thorne makes me feel like I could be. If I were given the opportunity to do so without punishment, I'd hit the new victor with as much force as I possibly could, causing him whatever pain I was capable of. Unfortunately, that's not the most legal thing to do in the Districts, and it's likely that I'd be punished by the Peacekeepers for hitting someone. Hell, with Nico being a victor, I may even be turned into an avox or executed if I were to lay a hand on him.

"Does that make it better?" More words continue to spill from the mouth of Nico Thorne. "Should I be a villain for you? Spit on your feet and push you to the ground?" My jaw clenches. "Does that make it easier?"

He wants to know if he should be a villain for me, but he's too late in asking that. He already is a villain, and not just for me. Surely the families of the others he killed feel the same way as I do. Raven's family. Diana's family. I'd imagine we all see him as a villain. How could we not? He killed our loved ones without the bat of an eye.

Hell, Jayne didn't even have the chance to fight back as Nico's spear entered her eye, causing her to crash to the ground with the sound of a cannon.

"Should you be a villain?" I scoffed. "You already are the villain, Thorne." I gave him a look of anger with my eyes. "There's no way in Hell that that will ever change."

lyrics: "Drown" by Bring Me The Horizon
Words: 319
🌱 kaitlin.