lola palermos, district two | finished [cb]

she blames the rabbit.

when she was a little girl, and she found it dying in the soft grass outside her home. it came from the mountains, lost in its desperation; for food, for water, for shelter. for something. she didn't yet understand the reality of death. all she could see was the pain, the fear in its black eyes, and then she felt hope for the first time. that stupid, reckless emotion. and she let herself believe she could save it, even as her parents refused to allow it inside and she had to beg luca to help her. the fear never left, even when it stopped kicking. neither did her hope.

☀

she blames her father.

because he tried to keep her mother alive in the cruelest way. because all the pieces that were lola began to fade, replaced by a ghost, and she wasn't sure who she was anymore. someone good, and someone loved, but not someone whole. she could never bring herself to confront him, to hate him for chasing luca away. because she could have chosen to stay lola, and she could have followed her brother when he left. it was easier to hope. that he'd return for her, and that her dad would heal. she didn't learn from the rabbit. the love never left his eyes, the pride. but it wasn't for her.

☀

she never blamed her brother.

even when he abandoned her, even when he told her not to find him. she forced herself to see it from his perspective, to accept that he needed to be free to be happy. because she was lucky, as much as she was unlucky, and he was dealt the worse hand. but she still missed him. he was the piece that left the biggest hole. a wound that didn't bleed, that no one could see. but it still ached. and she ignored it. she comforted her father, she lived for the memory of her mother, and she mourned her brother.

she joined the training academy
because she was tired of hope;
of waiting for something to change.

she was always a smart girl.

she was always destined to save her family.

and she never blamed luca for leaving that on her shoulders —

but she blames him now.