grow as we go | {jaci/mackenzie}

Jacinta wishes things could always be like this.

Sometimes when she and Mackenzie are on a break, she forgets how he makes her feel. It's so easy to slip back into her old routine when he isn't around, so easy to fall back into the same rut she was in for years. She is better at picking herself back up now, but she still turns to alcohol to cope. Jacinta never faced the guilt and pain over Violet's death. They are monsters that she has shoved into the closet and chained it shut.

She's been numb for so long instead of just letting herself feel everything. She still fears that she would crumble if she let it all in.

But being with Mackenzie like this, laughing and teasing one another while baking and decorating cookies, makes her feel alive again. His presence lights a spark in the otherwise cold, dark cavern of her chest.

She tries not to be reminded that the roles are reversed now. Once, there was a time when Mackenzie needed to lean on Jacinta to move past his sorrows, and now she is leaning on him. He is one of the few people she still has a connection with, one of the only bridges she hasn't burned to ash.

After the gingerbread is baked and frosted with icing, Mackenzie takes the plate of cookies and holds it up high out of her reach. Jacinta rolls her eyes at him, but her smile is playful. She doesn't even try to jump up and snatch it out of his hand; she's so short compared to him that it would be embarrassing.

"Oh, come on, that's not fair," she says with a scoff. Not that she minds his teasing — she finds it to be very endearing. Only Mackenzie can get away with things like this. "You already put flour on my nose — I'm going to get you back for that, by the way."

Mackenzie gives in and lowers the plate. Then, he asks her about the fireplace. It's a simple question, but his tone gives it a double meaning. Jacinta's cheeks instantly flame with pink. Memories of past winters and cold spring nights flood her mind, and she recalls the many times they made love by the warmth of the fireplace.

She has half a mind to ask if she should go get blankets, but opts instead to take the plate of cookies from Mackenzie's hand and set it down on the counter.

Jacinta finds herself drifting closer to him, and the tension in the room suddenly becomes so thick that you could cut it with a knife.

"Why?" she inquires, feigning ignorance. The glint in her eye gives her away. "Did you have something in mind?"

❧

your heart froze colder than ice
in time you will realize the sound
of silence is all that you hear