the real himbos of district five [niko/itzal]

I t z a l

Is this having fun?
Or is it just because?
Which one is jumping first
Off of the face of the earth?

You ever gotten a hug that you thought might break you to pieces?

There won’t be pain like this.

Not when someone inevitably bashes in my skull or gouges out my eyes.

When I closed my eyes on the train, I could still smell the jasmine and rose perfume my mother had been wearing, feel the warmth of her cheeks when she pressed her head against mine, and hear the way her star shaped earrings had clinked when her head shifted.

She wanted to know why – when there hadn’t been a reason for me, when my name hadn’t been drawn, when I had two more years, and everything would’ve been just fine.

She might’ve called me stupid, might’ve said that she hated me and what I was doing to her, but then, all of that collapsed in on itself and she shone.

Her love burned hot when she wrapped those arms around me, never wanting to let go.

‘My little boy,’ She whispered because I was the youngest, the littlest, the one who could’ve kept going, kept running, for her.

(I put you through a lot shit these years, mom - wish I could've said that, and that I get to tell you that someday, too).

She kept talking to me, tears staining her blouse, and I had my hands up on my forehead as I listened to her, jaw clenched so tight I might have gotten close to shattering each molar at the back of my head.

“I’m sorry,” I said, in between the little gasps she and I made trying to get another word, because I don’t know why I thought stepping forward wasn’t some sort of stupid decision, maybe the stupidest one I’ve ever made (and I’ve made enough in sixteen years).

“I’m so sorry,” I said it again, but it doesn’t carry half the weight.

I regretted ever saying the words that brought me to the justice building.

You think I could still tell them, hey guys, just kidding! I don’t want to play anymore. You can get that girl, still? I mean, there had to be someone else that’d volunteered and decided they weren’t half up to it before they got on the train. It’s been ninety years and you’re telling me not one single person got cold feet after throwing their whole life away?

Fuck.

(I did it for you, dad!)

I hope when all of this is over, if he’s out there, he gets to see what running off did to all of us. Not how bad things were, because they weren’t. But that I was a whole lot better off without him.

Or that if he’d never left, I wouldn’t have decided to run, either.

I didn’t know what to make of the train.

The touches of gold for the lights, the wallpaper, shag carpet, it all just screams a sort of opulence of a time that’s come and gone. Like maybe the best years of panem have already passed, and we’re just living through the dream of people who died a long time ago. Nothing gold can stay, and all that, you know?

It wasn’t hard to get comfortable, at least, not after throwing myself into a bathroom stalls and washing my face free of the tears and regret I’d accumulated in the justice building.

“You’re a fucking star,” I pointed my finger at the mirror and held it there. (Someone told me once that we had to visualize what we believed for it to be true and in that moment, I thought they were just full of shit.)

I found the meal car and made a cup of coffee. They had the televisions on to let us watch the rest of the reapings, which is odd because I’d always wondered if they were at the same time or if some people had to wake up way earlier than we did. I skipped the buffet. I’m not really the type to eat my feelings, you know?

‘The name's Niko, nice to meet you. Sorry, I didn't catch yours. I was a bit preoccupied with eating shit in front of everyone.’

He slid into the booth like we were old pals, and I got to admit, that’s charming in and of itself. Good people know how to shake your hand and treat you on the level. He didn’t seem the type to be ready for this, not from the way he’d fallen in front of everyone.

I blew across the top of the coffee I’d poured and gave a smile to Niko.

“Itzal Usoa. Nice to meet you too, Niko.” I lifted my cup in a cheer before taking another sip.

District One blared on in the background, and when the Moreno kid started to speak my mouth hung open. Is this kid for real?

‘Man, if he kills me I think I'll jump out a window.’ Bread crumbs tumbled down Niko’s chin, and I let out a laugh.

What did I think?

“Me? Money’s on him having a baby dick.” I lifted my pinky with a wiggle. I pointed to Steele when she flashed across the screen. “But she could get it.”

The anthem played again, this time shifting cameras to the newly crowned district of shit, two.

“Um. Hmm.” Etta and Pierce put on their performance, and I’m caught up in the show – almost, until he introduces himself as Romeo. “Was I supposed to have something prepared when I volunteered? Damn.”

They post a picture of Yael but there’s no recording. Now that was interesting.

“What happened to the girl, you think?”

I t z a l

Is this having fun?
Or is it just because?
Which one is jumping first
Off of the face of the earth?

No one ever talks about how big of a production the games is operations wise. You have to imagine that there are people who are forced to organize it in the districts every year, and there’s bound to be a hiccup or two. I mean, no one expects someone to just up and run or not show up to a reaping, and what are you supposed to do then when you pull out a name and she’s just not there?

If she could last that long without being found says more about her and less about the dingbats who just assumed all of us would show up at the reaping.

I wouldn’t have thought about running, I guess, but now that I think about it, wouldn’t have been the worst idea. At the very least it makes them look like idiots when things don’t go perfectly to plan.

Brennan crows at the other kids and I raised an eyebrow.

I could get along with a guy like that. Someone who wasn’t afraid to speak his mind – extra points for the number of f bombs he managed to drop in such a short span of time.

“Yeah, I don’t mind it at all, would rather someone show a little bit of themselves than try to put on a show…” I agreed. Duke stepped forward and it’s a slow sort of swagger, determined. Did I look like that when I’d called out to volunteer?

“We all have our reasons,” I said, “Dude, if you’d asked me this morning if I was going to do it I might’ve laughed my ass of. And if he’s anything like me, he probably already regrets it.”

Was I saying too much?

The train rattles on through another patch of trees and hills, and it’s then I get up to make myself a plate. I throw a few crackers and squares of cheese, a slice of ham and pepperoni, some grapes, and a cupcake together.

I missed the anthem playing, so it’s right into four we went.

“Hah. Gay!” I said pointing to the screen when Maverick steps forward to comfort Ezera. I put a hand behind my head and narrowed my eyes. “Geez. These guys are making me look like an idiot for not giving my reason for going up there.”

The red head was all business, and you could hear a pin drop when she walked on stage.

“This chick’s really bumming me out. Don’t ask me why. Call it a vibe.”