Learning To Be Silent [open]

Dignity Ryder

I'm tired, and I know it's not just from working fourteen days straight. Working at the mill has taken its toll on my sixteen-year-old body, but that's not my only problem. Avoiding Uncle in the busy streets going too and from work takes effort, too. I know all the roads he usually takes, but he strays from them sometimes. And when I see him, I'm not just reliving all the horrible things he's done to me. My right arm, the one covered with that ugly pink burn scar, starts burning like it's never left the fire. My lungs refuse to take in another breath, and my feet anchor to the ground.

I hate him. I wish I wasn't so weak around him. I wish I could be strong. And not just for myself anymore. I want to be strong for this baby I'm having. My Uncle's baby.

I run a hand across my midsection. I don't know when this baby is due, just that it's not anytime soon. I'm only just starting to develop a baby bump. It could be mistaken for a little extra fat, though I don't know of anyone in District Seven who's anything more than skinny. But I guess it could be possible for me to be getting fatter, if I knew I wasn't pregnant. I'm eating better now than I ever had in my life. I live alone, and after paying for the house, I still have plenty left over for food. I remind myself that I won't have quite so much extra money after this baby comes. I suppose it would be a good idea to start setting aside some money for baby things now.

I should be heading back home, but my feet carry me past the street I live on. I head for the forest, to the place where the pine trees and evergreens grow thickly and nearly untouched. I've been here before, a long time ago, back when I was a reckless young thing. Back before Arabea and Arak and Faith all died. I used to run through these trees as they were felled around me. Men used to shout at me to get out of the way, but I never did. I liked the risk.

I smile at the memory. It's been a long time since I've smiled at anything, and the feeling is foreign to me. My cheek muscles are unused to it, and I quickly drop the smile. It's a nice feeling, but I'm out of practice. Ten years ago, I never would have dreamed that smiling would be hard. Ten years ago, I never thought anything bad could happen.

I sit down, my back against the rough bark of a pine tree, breathing in its fragrance. When I was young, I never just sat like this. I was always moving. But fists making bruises tend to make you stop moving. Less moving equals less pain. Less pain equals less screaming. And less screaming equals less abuse.

I sit for a while, just listening to the sounds the forest makes after all the workers go home. Wind in the trees, words on the breeze... I remember hearing a song like that somewhere, a long time ago. Maybe my mother sang to me when I was a baby, before she was reaped. But how would I remember that? I was only a few months old when she died.

I hear another song, but this one isn't in my memory. It's out here, in the forest, but not sung by birds. It's a human voice, coming from up in the trees. And I'd thought I was all alone. I can't make out the words, but the song sounds pretty. I rest my head against the tree and listen. It's been so long since I've felt this peaceful. I've been so busy lately, avoiding Uncle and working, and before that, I was trying to avoid him in his own house. I should come out here more often.

I hear a mockingjay repeat the song. So pretty. I could stay out here and listen to it all night. I don't work tomorrow, so it doesn't matter how long I'm up tonight. I hear the soft thud of someone jumping from a tree. I stand up, though I don't know why. There's tree sap stuck to the back of my shirt, and pine needles on my butt. They're probably in my hair, too, along with some twigs. I take a few steps forward. Home. I should go home. I can't be out here, not at night. Night is when the bad things happen. Night is when Uncle comes home drunk. Night is when-

I squeeze my eyes shut and remind myself I'm safe. I'm safe from Uncle now. I'm out of his house. I'd be safer further away, in another district, but I know I can't run. I wouldn't survive a day outside District Seven. I take a deep breath. I'm suddenly aware that someone is standing a few feet from me. I can't see them, but I her their breathing. My heart thumps harder in my chest. All the scary things come out at night. All the axe murderers and rapists come out when the sky is black and no can hear the screams...

I hear loud rustling in front of me, like the sound of someone digging through a bag. A bright, bright light flicks on in front my face. I blink against its harshness, than hear a loud scream from just in front of me. It's a girl scream. I assume it is a girl, though I know there are some men who could produce a sound very similar to that. I can't see the person trough the glare of he flashlight. I'm sure whoever it is was just as scared as me though, so they can't mean me any harm.

The person shouts at me, and now I know for sure it's a girl. I'm used to the light now, and I can see the girl. I watch her hazel eyes, see them study me. Her eyes pause at my belly. She knows. Of course she's knows. It's getting hard to hide the fact that I'm pregnant. People are going to start asking me about the father, and call me a whore and slut when I refuse to tell them.

I take time to study the girl before me. We're about the same height, I think. She might be taller. Short dirty blonde hair, hazel eyes. She wears a red plaid flannel shirt that looks too big on her, like she's trying to hide the fact that she's sort of skinny. Seems like a tomboy, and she holds herself like she's tough. She's holding a pocket knife, which she quickly closes.

She shoves the flashlight into the crook of a tree, then bends over to pet a little fox. She speaks to it. Oh, God. Did I just run into a swearing nature fairy or something?

The girl apologizes for scaring me. Her little fox runs up to me and starts sniffing at me. It gives me quick lick, then starts running around my feet. The girl introduces herself and her fox, and gives me permission to pet him. He's leaning up against my leg now, almost like he's asking me to touch him. I bend over and stroke his fur, surprised at its silkiness.

"He's cute." I straighten and look back Aria, her face slightly shadowed by the glare of the flashlight. "My name's Dignity Ryder."

I try to look tough too, but that's been hard for a while now. it's hard to act tough when no one cares about you enough to notice. "Sorry I scared you. I was just...resting out here I guess. I thought you were a rapist or an axe murder or something, but I guess I was wrong."

I remember hearing someone singing, and it occurs to me that it was probably her. "Was that you singing to the mockingjay?"

"I couldn't," I say quickly. "If your family is anything like the other families in this district, you need all the food you've got. It wouldn't be right for me to just come in and eat it."

It's not that I don't want to eat with her. It just wouldn't feel right. Besides, I wouldn't fit in with a real family. I've never been part of a family that was anywhere near normal, and it's too late to try now, even if it's just for one night.

I'm probably pretty depressing, what with all the crap in my life. But then, it's always been like this. No mom and no dad, thanks to the Capitol, no sister, no cousins, no friends...Just me and this baby, and this baby's got a few more months until it meets this cruel world.

But maybe it would do me some good to be around a real family. I need to figure out how a good mother behaves so I can be one, too. And would be nice to have a friend to hold my hand when this baby finally comes. I may not even become friends with Aria, but I can dream, right? That's something I certainly haven't been doing enough of lately.

"On second thought, maybe I will go. I still don't feel right taking your food, but I've been without other human beings for too long."

Aria's mom is probably a better cook than I am, anyways. I rarely cook with fire, since it freaks me out. It didn't always, but after the burn scar my uncle gave me three years ago. I don't even try to hide it most of the time because It's so huge, spanning the entire length of my right arm. It takes too much work to cover it up.

Her father's the foreman. Well, now I don't feel so bad about eating their food. The walk to her house is short. She lives in a log cabin. It looks warm inside and...and it looks like a home. Not just a house. We leave our shoes at the front door. There's laughter coming from inside. Family noises. No screams, no sounds of abuse.

Inside, there are smells of food, good food, not the cold stuff I usually eat. There's a man and I woman I assume are Aria's parents, another younger man, a woman, and a baby. A goddamn baby. The younger man is playing music on a violin.

Aria's mother asks where she's been. It's such a normal, motherly thing to say. Something no one ever asked me, at least not like that. Usually when aunt Iona asked where I was it was in an accusing tone, like I'd been doing something terrible. My throat tightens as I watch Aria talk to her family. It's so normal. It's everything I always wanted. And for one night, I can be a part of it.

Aria tells her family I'm a friend from school. I feel bad that she's lying for me, but it's a better lie than I'd ever be able to come up with. Her father welcomes me, invites me to stay the night. If I say yes, I'll feel like I'm intruding, but staying here would be exponentially better than walking in the dark.

I open my mouth to say yes,and that's when it happens. The smell of the food, delicious a second ago, now sickens me. And here I thought I was done with this morning sickness crap.

"Where's the bathroom?" My words are fast, urgent. Someone tells me where to go, I don't know who. I run, not sure if I'll make it. I've barely made it to the toilet when my stomach starts to empty itself. I grip the edges of the bowl. It wasn't supposed to happen like this. I was supposed to stay and have dinner, than leave. They weren't supposed to know about he baby. Not yet. But this will certainly bring questions.

I wipe the vomit from my mouth and try not to cry. There goes my chance at being part of a family, even if for a short while. They won't want me after they find out about the baby. maybe if they'd known me a little better first, but now...

I allow myself one desperate sob. But after that, I can't hold it back anymore. The tears come. I press the heels of my hands to my eyes, willing them to stop. Damn my hormones. Damn this baby. No, screw that. Let's just damn my uncle, since all of this is his fault.

It means a lot to me that Aria is covering up for me and helping me with all this gross post-vomit stuff. But she's still lying for me. I'm hardly worth lying for.

She says we're friends, and I like that. Other than Arabea, I've never had any real friends. I'm not even sure if Arabea counts since she was my cousin and five years older besides. But I like the idea of having a friend. Someone to hold my hand when this baby comes and help me out when I have no idea what to do. I use the toothbrush and mouthwash that's she set out for me. I've never used mouthwash before, but I'm smart enough to know you're supposed to spit it out, not swallow.

I lean against the sink and look at Aria. "I want to tell them. Your family has a right to know what they're getting into. It's better for them to know because I tell them, as opposed to figuring it out when it's painfully obvious."

I think it's only right for her family to know. If we're friends, we'll be seeing a lot of each other, right? her family probably wouldn't think too highly of a friend who lies, even if it is to hide a pregnancy.