snow + maple syrup [Roseh]

NoireRose
Merchant

254 POSTS

Pronouns: She/her
last seen Dec 27, 2013 1:42:16 GMT -5

I'm surprised how comfortable I feel coming back here...

snow + maple syrup [Roseh] Mar 18, 2012 13:17:10 GMT -5

Post by NoireRose on Mar 18, 2012 13:17:10 GMT -5

Felix "Valentine" Trusdale
Avox ~ February

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Yellow is for the sun and his other color
Blue is for the skies and his action color
Green is for the grass and when somebody else talks/writes color
Pink is for his birthstone and his writing color
Purple is for his birth flower and his thought color

Breathing in and out. It soothes me and calms me down. Watching his stomach lift and fall. It only takes a moment or two for him to fall asleep and a glimpse of a smile graces my lips. His embrace warming me from the inside out. I find that I'm glad but I also wanted to figure out what he meant to me. As for now, I guess I'll just try to clear my mind and sort things out.

Clearing my mind isn't as easy as it seems. I always find my mind wandering from the concept or idea that I'm trying to figure out. Urging to figure out why I want to be near him, and protect him so badly. The entire concept of just being here alone with somebody who I hardly know makes me nervous but being with him calms me down too.. My stomach won't settle, and there's a dull throbbing pain in my head that just doesn't seem to stop. I take a breath and look up at the man. He's smiling and that single upward movement of his lips makes me smile a bit too. I hope he's having a good dream. Unlike my own.

The dream where I lost every thing. The dream where I was trapped inside what could be seen as symbolism. The dream where my life began and ended. The dream where everything was well. No worries, no fears, all just illusions.

I rustle around in my pocket for the photo of my family pre-death. Everybody is there. My dad sitting down. My mother and my older twin sisters standing. My youngest sister in the arms of my mother. Then there's me, sitting on my father's lap, smiling. Everybody is smiling, and nothing is wrong. The picture was taken just 3 years or so before my father's death. Before everything came falling apart.

I let the photo fall to the ground and I dip my finger back into the maple syrup as tears start to come. The maple syrup makes the inside of my mouth sticky and prevents some of the noise from coming out. I try to keep as quiet as possible. I move his arms, and move away from him. He rustles for a moment. He makes sounds and then remains still. For a moment my heart falls, and my eyes close and open again. A light comes from the windows.

For a moment I think it's a flash light but I'm not sure. I look in the corner of the shack and I spot my mother's body twisted and mangled in a spider's web. Her head does a 360 degree turn. Reflexes take over, and I move in the corner closest to the man, and I throw up. The maple syrup jar hits the ground and breaks, spreading the gooey goodness everywhere on the floor.

Once I am done, I turn to look back at my mother and see that she's no longer there. I feel something like a finger or a hand on my back. My eyes grow wide and a chill goes down my back. I know I shouldn't turn my head but I do anyways only to find my mother's face right next to mine. She sticks out her tongue and licks my neck. He hands move up to my hair and head. I pull myself away from her, and closer to the guy. He's just lying there defenseless. I feel the urge to protect him. To warn him, and just make sure he's alright. I kneel down to his level. I take a quick glance at my mother and she's looking right at him. I begin to shake him, and shake him. My heart racing like rabbit. My eyes looking everywhere at him. I shake him a couple more times before he finally wakes up. I thank the gods that I got to him in time.

I'm fairly sure he can see that I'm absolutely terrified. He takes a hold of my shoulders and everything freezes. I'm shaking. Sweat and covers cover my body and I'm simply terrified. I glance back at where my mother was only to find that she's gone. I look back at him. His eyes are full of concern and worry. I pause, swallow, and look down at my hands.

They are covered in blood. They're scratched and mangled. The blood red underneath my fingernails. I bite my lip, and move away. I don't want to hurt him. I don't want to... Whimpers empty themselves from my mouth. I should've never looked for food. With the thought of food my stomach growls. I figure if I didn't find the maple syrup none of this would've happened.

My eyes return to the man. I can tell he's contemplating whether or not to come closer towards me. In the end he does. He opens his arms up. With each step he takes forward I take a step backward. Until I run around of places to go. He simply keeps coming closer until his arms embrace around me. Sure I squirm for a little bit, but eventually I calm down. The tears roll down my checks and I rest my head on his shoulder. The way his body feels against mine comforts me. He hugs me tighter and I return the hug back. I even gently kiss his shoulder.

His embrace comforts me, and all I want to do is indulge myself in him. The sweet scent of the wilderness on him. The feeling of his muscles moving. The entire concept that we are alive energizes me. I know I shouldn't be doing this, but I can't pull away. However for some reason I do. I look up into his eyes, and I see a brief moment of confusion, and the same urges that I feel. I don't want to do this. I don't want to hurt him. I don't want to stop either. So I just leave it up to him. My eyes leaving me as wide open as possible. Telling him everything. About how I don't remember, and about how I want him.
How I want him to be mine.
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semper
Retired Staff

2,354 POSTS
last seen Jan 1, 2014 0:57:11 GMT -5

snow + maple syrup [Roseh] Mar 18, 2012 16:14:35 GMT -5

Post by semper on Mar 18, 2012 16:14:35 GMT -5

Devroux Southern-Hymn Creighton

I welcome the sleep graciously. You know those days where you’re up on your feet all day and when you finally sit down, you get one of the greatest feelings of relief you’ve ever felt? This is one of those times. It felt like it had taken absolutely forever to find Felix, and now that I had sat down and leaned on him, sleep was overwhelming. I fall into a dreamless sleep, but it’s very pleasant considering the situation.

Something underneath me shifts and I move, mumble a few incoherent things, and then settle back down. Faint and blurry images pass through my mind. I can’t make out anything of them, but they all have a serene feeling that surrounds them. Maybe the distorted images are of old friends, or my family, or of Lily or Colton, or even of Felix, but I don’t know. All I’m sure of is that nothing is wrong. Everything is the way it’s supposed to be: I’m here with Felix, safe and sound. If only w—

I’m woken up by someone shaking me. It takes a while for me to come back around, my eyes blinking the sleep away. I look up into the face of Felix, who seems utterly terrified about something. He’s got me by the shoulders and I instantly become worried. What’s wrong? What’s going on? As far as I can tell, nothing is wrong with the cabin. The fire is still going and aside from the crackling flames and our breathing, it’s completely silent. I whimper quietly to him as he looks off to the side. My eyes follow his line of sight to an empty corner. There’s nothing… what’s he looking at?

I scan the corner for a few more seconds before looking back at Felix, finding him looking down at his hands. They’re pretty much clear aside from maybe a few specks of dirt. My eyes lift their gaze back up to his face. He starts whimpering – just like what I do when something’s bothering me.

He looks up at me just as I look at him. Something is missing from his eyes – but what? I can’t tell. Something’s gone out of those lovely bluish eyes of his, like a blown out candle. Or like someone who’s still alive but no recollection of anything.

[/color] I set a hand on his shoulder but he moves away. The cabin is small so he doesn’t have very much space to go to, but he goes far enough to make me feel alone; empty; barren.

I get up and slowly start toward him, but he backs up. The simple move strikes me like a knife to the chest. Something is very wrong…[/color] I take another step toward him and get the same response. Why is he doing this?[/color] I glance down at myself and see nothing out of the ordinary; my chest is still bare, but that didn’t bother him before.

Another step. Then another. He’s run out of places to back into, so I use this to my advantage without trying to appear overbearing or at all intimidating. Once I get close enough to him, I put my arms around him in a hug.

You also know those moments you experience where you just want more than anything to say something, but you can’t? This is also one of those moments. I have an overwhelming urge to ask him what’s wrong. He shifts for a few moments before settling down with his head on my shoulder, my head is inclined slightly toward his. I can’t ask him. I can’t say anything. My lips part and I breathe in, the lukewarm air filling the empty cave of my mouth. And as I exhale, I lightly put my top teeth against my bottom lip, making an “f” sound.

I quickly give up. Without a tongue, even the small things – like people’s names – are harder than hell to say and it hurts like hell to realize this. Five years of nothing but canine sounds really does you damage psychologically. Even if I had a tongue, I doubt I would even be able to speak. I’ve forgotten how words roll off the tongue and how to articulate letters and even how to whistle.

Not only did the Capitol take away my tongue, but the best way any human being can express themselves.

Felix pulls away and I look back into his bluish-grey eyes. They have a very faint rim of darker silver around the edge of the iris, you know. A very good blend of greys and silvers. But as I see them as a whole, I continue to get the nagging feeling that something very vital is missing. There’s light behind his eyes, but it feels like nothing behind the eyes is connecting; like when you see things right in front of you but it doesn’t register in your head. My glabella creases as I gaze at him, bothered by this spotty emptiness in his eyes.

What is it?

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Last Edit: Apr 4, 2012 21:04:56 GMT -5 by semper

i hear the mountains calling me home

NoireRose
Merchant

254 POSTS

Pronouns: She/her
last seen Dec 27, 2013 1:42:16 GMT -5

I'm surprised how comfortable I feel coming back here...

snow + maple syrup [Roseh] Mar 22, 2012 18:17:22 GMT -5

Post by NoireRose on Mar 22, 2012 18:17:22 GMT -5

Felix "Valentine" Trusdale
Avox ~ February

[/size][/blockquote]

Yellow is for the sun and his other color
Blue is for the skies and his action color
Green is for the grass and when somebody else talks/writes color
Pink is for his birthstone and his writing color
Purple is for his birth flower and his thought color

We stare at each other for what feels like forever. His expression changes into something the shows that he's confused and such. I'm the one who breaks the bond between us, by closing my eyes. I'm the one who wants to give up and just whisk everything back to the way it was. I wish I was back with my sisters. I wish I was back with my family in District 7. I want to go back to the old days where I would sit on my father's lap and he's read to me. The times when my mother would tuck me into bed, or just the times when everything went right. None of these days or issues would of happened. But, you know how things are. Life moves on no matter what happens. Seconds turn to minutes, minutes to hours, hours to days, days to weeks, weeks to months, months to years, and so on. Life just doesn't stop because you want it to. It continues on and on. Nobody to stop it.

By the time I reopen my eyes I'm sitting on the ground directly in front of the fire. Most of the tears have ran down my face. I know nothing, including who I am and who I used to be. I used to be Felix Trusdale, but now. I'm not even sure. I would really like to be considered Felix Auksas. My mind pauses and stalls for a moment. The guy isn't hovering over me anymore. He's simply walking around and looking at the stuff in the shack. For a brief moment he stops right at the area where I found the maple syrup at. I don't want it. I don't want anything to do with my past in District 7 at all. Everything is and was messed up. I don't see how anyone could return back to that life.

When I see the man coming towards me with more food then I found before, I sigh. I know for a fact that one of the many jars in his hands is maple syrup and I'm not entirely sure what the other jars are. I think one might be caramel though, and the others are jarred jams and fruits. As far as the rest goes. I spot non-perishable stuff. Things like canned foods. My stomach growls and after a moment I hear a slight growl coming from the man's stomach too. This receives a small chuckle out of me.

For a moment I hesitate before grabbing some canned goods. I take a hand-operated can opener and begin opening the cans as quickly as I can. The man decides to leave me be and begin looking for other possible food supplies within the cabin. After I have gotten all the cans opened. I realize that I'm drooling. It's been a while after eating, and that sour taste is in my mouth after I threw up. All I truly want is some crackers but I know that there is none. Unless the man found some. Which I doubted.

I take a break from opening to observe the food in the cans when I see a hand land on top of mine. I look up to see the man's face in front of my own. His gorgeous deep chocolate brown eyes mesmerize me, and I can't really stop looking at them. I can tell he's observing my own, and trying to figure something out. My mouth opens agape for a moment while I give myself a moment to breath. Our faces are so close. Close enough to kiss. Somehow, I resist the urge to. He simply smiles, and I try to send one of my own back to him. He gently moves away from my face, and repositions himself sitting right next to me. It feels like we were only in the same position what seems like a few moments ago. I look down at the jar I started opening only to find the sticky photo of my family pushed into my free hand. I look up at the man with a surprised expression and he returns it with gentle smile. The smile that makes me dizzy, and makes my heart beat a little bit faster each second he holds my gaze.

By know I've established that we are much more then friends, and we like to cuddle. Yet again we've found each other tangled together in a cuddle. With the storm still raging as hard as ever. We decide it's time to eat with what food we found. Although most of it involves fruits and sweet syrupy substances it's still good. Most of it is either in tin cans or glass jars. I spot jars of a wide variety of jams, apple sauce, caramel, and maple syrup. It's not the best meal a person could have but it's better then nothing. When I look up at the man he smiles at me. I want to ask him if anything's wrong, but I can't. It just doesn't feel right if I did.

Whilst in deep contemplation with myself. I look down at the photo of my family. It's no longer that bit, and it's no longer stable. It's broken and small but still good. Yes, still good... Out of the corner of my eyes I see the man watching me with contemplation in his eyes. He's examining me, as I have examined him. I hold out my hand for him to hold, and our eyes meet. I blush and hope my eyes speak to him, and tell him everything that's been going on in my mind for the past hours or so. Of how I wish none of me becoming an avox happened. None of it. He takes a hold of my hand and cups it in one of his own. With the other he takes a finger full of maple syrup and he makes a smile on my palm like I did with him. A full blown smile grows on my lips and I let out a little chuckle.
I know that we belong with each other in some way shape or form.
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semper
Retired Staff

2,354 POSTS
last seen Jan 1, 2014 0:57:11 GMT -5

snow + maple syrup [Roseh] Mar 25, 2012 14:52:02 GMT -5

Post by semper on Mar 25, 2012 14:52:02 GMT -5

Devroux Southern-Hymn Creighton

You can make connections with a person in seconds. You know how love at first sight works? You see someone and within an instant you’ve fallen head over heels for them. But relationships can be broken just as fast. Catch someone in the act of something awful and your whole perception of them is changed in less than a second.

Felix has done nothing to make me see him any different, but when he closes his eyes, I feel like I’ve lost a bond with him. When I saw his blue-grey eyes, I thought I saw the doorway into himself, but that vanished literally in the blink of an eye. I feel closed off; alone, secluded – shunned, even. Why does he put up with me? I’ve not done anything good for him.

The thought hits home hard. It could very well be true that he only agrees to see me again because he is used to being a servant and always having to say yes. Or maybe Felix doesn’t want to see me but Devyni forces him to.

I’m a wanderer and no one has ever been constant in my life. I haven’t seen my family in years. I thought I’d be with the Uprising, but they’ve pretty much disappeared into thin air. I thought I’d be with Lily a while, but that failed. I thought I could be with Colton, but I’m still looking. What if Felix will become the same?

[/color]

I can’t bear the thought of that. I suck in a sharp intake of air and force myself to tear my eyes away from him, get up, and wander back to the jumbled mess around the cabin. I can’t think like that. It won’t do anyone any good.[/color] Kneeling down, I begin to open and pick through some of the crates. Jars of strawberries, raspberries, some dark, thick jam, peaches, pears, and some stuff I don’t recognize. All the fruit brings back memories of home: running through the orchards, climbing trees and eating fruit as we picked them, endless baskets overfilled with apples and stuff. Such sweet memories that bring a small smile to my face. I’m about to turn around when a piece of paper catches my eye. No, not a paper – a photograph. Curious, I reach down and pick it up, seeing one familiar face among about three others. Felix.[/color] In the picture, he looks so young. I cast a quick glance back at him by the fireplace. In the light of the flames, he appears much older than he probably is – or maybe it’s just me imagining it. I don’t know. My attention turns back to the photograph. There’s two girls about his age who I assume are his sisters, and then there’s an older woman that I believe to be his mother – the lady that he killed.[/color] An uncharacteristic surge of fear runs through me. Felix is a murderer. He may have killed her, but he’s not a bad guy. He’s my friend. If he was a cold-blooded killer, I wouldn’t be friends with him.[/color] I don’t remember why he ended up killing her, but I know it wasn’t because he had the intent of purposely harming her. Felix wouldn’t hurt a fly. It was just a mistake. An accident.

I tightly grasp the picture with one hand and scoop up a few of the jars with my other hand and then head back over to Felix, feeling hunger gnawing at my empty stomach. I don’t care how old the fruits and jams might be, it’s all food and I’ll eat it. I set them down by the cans he’s already opened, and when I approach him, I gently lay the hand with the photograph on top of his own hand, my eyes locked onto his own. My face is close to his and I can see the small ripples of texture in his irises. Their color closely resembles a stormy sky, and I guess that’s a symbol of his life: it’s been nothing but storms and far away silver linings, so all he’s experienced is the storm. But I’m going to change that, whether he likes it or not. I give him a soft smile and back away from him, leaving the photograph in his hand. I sit back down beside him and pick out an open jar of peaches, using my fingers to fish out the slices. The syrup is incredibly sweet and, honestly, perhaps the best peaches I’ve ever eaten. Before I know it the jar is empty, so I drink the syrup from it and then set it down.

When I look over at Felix, he’s focused on the photo of his family. Does he wish he was back there with them? That none of this ever happened? That he never was avoxed and never met me?[/color] I’ll never know unless I ask him in writing, but I don’t want to. I’m not sure I could handle the answer if it turns out to be something negative. I don’t want to lose someone again.[/color]

He eventually returns my gazing, his face tinting red. I can’t help but smile at it. He then holds out his hand and I take it lightly in my own. Suddenly a thought crosses my mind – a very pleasant one. I look around for the maple syrup jar and dip my finger into it, drawing a smiley face on his palm just as he had done for me. I lick my finger clean as he laughs and I swear his voice is just as sweet as the syrup, if not better.

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i hear the mountains calling me home

NoireRose
Merchant

254 POSTS

Pronouns: She/her
last seen Dec 27, 2013 1:42:16 GMT -5

I'm surprised how comfortable I feel coming back here...

snow + maple syrup [Roseh] Mar 31, 2012 12:40:39 GMT -5

Post by NoireRose on Mar 31, 2012 12:40:39 GMT -5

Felix "Valentine" Trusdale
Avox ~ February

[/size][/blockquote]

Yellow is for the sun and his other color
Blue is for the skies and his action color
Green is for the grass and when somebody else talks/writes color
Pink is for his birthstone and his writing color
Purple is for his birth flower and his thought color

The food is calling my name I swear. It's telling me to eat but as of recently I just lost my appetite and don't really feel like doing anything. It's one of those moods where your decision changes in the blink of an eye. An eye filled with promise and trust. The eye of the person who you hold close and dear despite being a stranger. The eye of the person you know you secretly love but won't admit it. The person with the same eye color as your master's favorite food. The food that you always seem to get and use as much as possible. A sudden pain hits me in the same spot where I found that I was bleeding at. I tell my heart to stop racing so much at the thought of my master and the man sitting next to me.

The pounding continues and continues. It hurts and I just want it to disappear. Everything that passes through my mind relates to me in one way or another and I just want it to stop. Then I swear my heart does stop when I hear something outside. My ears perk up and my eyes go attentive. Despite my head still hurting I get up and begin walking around. Not touching a single jar of food. My heart jumps up into my throat when I hear a scratching sound at the window. My eyes switch from the door to the window and continue doing so until the man puts one of his hands on my shoulder. I instantly turn towards him, and he's gently smiling. One of his hands reaches up to my head and he messes with my hair. Ruffling it around. My heart drops from where it was in my throat and lands right in the pit of my stomach.

That's when I do something that I think ticks him off. I swat his hand away, and almost instantaneously his expression turns into something between hurt and surprised. I want time to rewind and to hold onto his hand, but I know life doesn't work like that. It never does no matter how much I want it to. It's all just upsetting. I take a couple steps away from him, and this time he doesn't follow. He only watches. He watches intently like a hawk, and I feel broken. Broken like my family. Like my life. I inch closer to the door, and my hand moves towards the door knob. I want to run. I want to get away from him. I want to see him again. I want to see Devyni and be with him. I mentally prepare myself for whatever comes next. That's when a name comes into my head, Devroux. The voices inside echo it back and forth. Tormenting me with it. Telling me that I don't know him. That he's a monster. That I am a monster for hurting him. Hurting him just like I did with my mother. Just like she did to me. Just like that machine did my father.

My father. The man I looked up to in life. The person who inspired my every movement. The person who helped bring my sisters and I into the world. The person who left me. The person who inspires the next movement I do. I open the door, and embrace the cold air. Most of the wind has died down but it's still there. The snow still falls, and I can't help but let tears line my eyes. The bitterness biting at my fingers, and feet. I contemplate about looking back, but I don't. All I do is look outside. It's still fairly dark, and I wouldn't know where to go, much less how I would survive, but I bet it's better then here with the man. The man who I assume is Devroux. The man who I have no memories of. The man who I have hurt once again. The man who I don't belong with. The man whose footsteps I did not hear.

His footsteps light as a feather. Approaching me cautiously. His breathing still and even. I don't want to see his face, but I may just have to. I bite my lips and keep my eyes on the ground. This wasn't how things were meant to be. It wasn't how things were meant to go. I take a single step closer outside and then another. The cold biting at me. The fire inside extinguished. The will to live flickering out of existence. The power to live set aside. I feel his hands on me. On my shoulders, pulling me back inside. Inside the prison full of confusion, and torture. My hands clench into fists and unclench. It only takes a few moments for the signals in my mind to transfer to my hand. I push him away. I push him as hard as I can. Hard enough to the point where he falls to the ground. He's still alive. I know it. He slowly sits up, and I can tell he might know what's going on. He tells me that I'm a different person. The voices speaking to me and telling me that I'm just like her.
I'm just like her.

The way she pushed me onto the bed. The way her eyes held that crazed beast. The way she saw me as somebody else. The way I had held that knife in my hands. The way that her blood covered my hands. The way I wanted so badly to just destroy her. The hatred I felt towards her for taking the one thing that mad me, myself. The idea of my sanity being stolen in the moment hurt me. The concept that she was the person who had given birth to me. The idea that I was just like her. The idea that she watched me every moment of my life. Those moments that changed who I was and morphed me into who I am now. The person who has just hurt another person. The person who I kissed. The person who I fell in love with just like she did with me.

I don't turn back. I know I can't. I can't let him know I never want to let go. I don't want to return to the way things were. I want to move forward and forget all. I want to forget everything including the person I was. I take a step out into the cold. I turn my head to look at him and stop half-way. Letting him see a profile of my face. I mouth two words to him, and that's all.
I'm sorry.
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Last Edit: Mar 31, 2012 12:42:28 GMT -5 by NoireRose

semper
Retired Staff

2,354 POSTS
last seen Jan 1, 2014 0:57:11 GMT -5

snow + maple syrup [Roseh] Apr 1, 2012 18:35:24 GMT -5

Post by semper on Apr 1, 2012 18:35:24 GMT -5

For a moment, everything seems alright. It may be storming outside, but in this little abandoned shack, it’s warm and I’m in good company. Hell, we even have food here! We can get water from just melting snow in the jars. We can live here for a while. But how long can Felix be gone before Devyni starts worrying? When will he come looking for his Avox? Are there Peacekeepers that make rounds this close to the fence? Surely someone will see the smoke coming out of the chimney.

Just as the thought slips across my mind, I hear something outside and my blood runs icy cold. A quick glance at Felix tells me that he’s heard it, too. Shit, they’ve found us. My gaze shoots toward the door, but nothing is happening, and I don’t hear anything else, either. Felix gets up and starts walking to somewhere, so I get up also.

There’s nothing outside from what I can tell. Maybe it was just a branch. A small sigh of relief escapes me and I smile. It’s kind of amusing, actually, how we both jumped and were terrified when we heard the sound, only to figure out that it’s probably nothing more than a branch scraping against the window. I gently lay a hand on his shoulder, then reach up to ruffle his hair – the same thing I always do to relieve a nervous situation. But then he does something I would never have suspected: he swats my hand away, startling me. He never does anything like this. Usually when I mess with his hair, it gets us both laughing and we move on, but what is happening? Why is Felix reacting this way? I look at him, confused, trying to work out what I see in his eyes as he steps away from me.

They’re hollow to me. There’s no spark of life like there used to be. No sense of recognition like when you see a familiar face. That is my first hint.

Felix then opens the door. The cold air blasts against my bare chest and stomach, bringing goose bumps to my skin. The fire in the fire place goes out with the sudden burst of air, but it’s still somewhat warm on the inside. He starts walking out into the snow storm. He’s going to freeze to death!

I go after him, my almost dry boots getting wet again, and reach out to pull him back into the cabin, but he whirls on me and gives me a hard shove. My heel catches on something underneath the snow and I lose my balance and fall onto the snowy ground on my bruised side. A sharp, quick yelp escapes me as pain shoots up my side. I really doubt I broke any ribs from my fall from the tree, but hitting the bruises like this make me think I’ve completely shattered three.

As I look back up at Felix from my place on the ground, everything is slowly starting to make sense. He hit his head on a rock when he fell; the hesitancy in all his actions; the bleakness in his eyes; swatting my hand away; shoving me down.

He’s forgotten me.

[/color]

Already I feel the oncoming threat of salty tears stinging the backs of my eyes, but I force them to stay tucked away. The thought is like being struck in the chest with a sledge hammer. My friend – my one and only true friend who completely understands me – has forgotten. I’m out of his head, out of his memory. He doesn’t remember anything we’ve ever done before he hit his head. He doesn’t remember the true and raw conversations we had that brought us together. All of it is gone.

I don’t know anything about amnesia other than it makes you forget things. Is it temporary? Is it permanent? No, no, it can’t be permanent. It can’t be![/color] I slowly start to sit up, tearing my gaze away from Felix. I can’t lose him, not like lost everyone else. Felix is all I have left.[/color] I don’t have Colton, I don’t have Lily, I don’t have Devon, I don’t have the Uprising, I don’t have my family – Felix is my family now. It’s just him, and now he’s forgotten me. I’m just another face to him. I am completely and utterly alone and it’s terrifying. I can’t lose him…[/color]

The snow has made my skin go numb, but I don’t care. I just don’t care anymore. The one person I really care about – love, even – only knows me to be a total stranger. Why does this keep happening to me? Why does everyone I care about leave? Do the Fates hate me? What have I done to deserve this?[/color] The threat of tears is becoming so overwhelming that I can’t fight it any longer. Hot, salty drops slide down my cheeks, their residue trails freezing against my skin in the chilling wind of the snow storm.

I haul myself to my feet. The empty shell of my friend has its back to me, but I don’t bother to do anything. Felix turns his head to the side and mouths something, but my eyes are to blurry to see anything. What difference does it make? It doesn’t matter anyway. He doesn’t even remember my name and I doubt he wants to. Fate’s sick way of screwing with my head.[/color] I duck my head forward and turn, starting to head off away from the cabin.

I’m over reacting. I know I am. But what else are you supposed to do when your only friend in the world doesn’t even know you? Oh, hell, why am I still bothering? It’s over.[/color] I don’t care that I don’t have a shirt and I don’t care that the wind is bitter – I just need to get away. So I keep trudging off into the forest, unable to look back at him because I know it’ll hurt more than it already does and I really don’t want to imagine a pain any worse than this.

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i hear the mountains calling me home

NoireRose
Merchant

254 POSTS

Pronouns: She/her
last seen Dec 27, 2013 1:42:16 GMT -5

I'm surprised how comfortable I feel coming back here...

snow + maple syrup [Roseh] Apr 15, 2012 20:41:07 GMT -5

Post by NoireRose on Apr 15, 2012 20:41:07 GMT -5

Felix Valentine Trusdale
Avox ~ February

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Yellow is for the sun and his other color
Blue is for the skies and his action color
Green is for the grass and when somebody else talks/writes color
Pink is for his birthstone and his writing color
Purple is for his birth flower and his thought color

All I do is stand there, and it breaks my heart. I don't see him, but I hear him, and I feel his frustration and anger. He stomps away into the forest, and all I do is stand there and let him go. It brings me to my knees. I don't care how cold it is but I fall down to my knees. The tears burn at my eyes, and I wish...I wish I had never done that. I didn't know what came over me. It was just a spare of the moment thing. The sensation in my heart brings me lower then the lowest low. I want to yell at him and tell him I love him. Tell him that I always did. That it doesn't have to be like this. But, I don't think he loves me anymore sadly. She made me like this. Like, this beast that I truly am. A monster who steals a person's love and tears them apart from the inside out. The wind blows and the bitter cold bites at me through my clothes. I try my best to ignore it and focus on what really matters.

That fact that he's I know he's out there freezing and I'm here doing nothing but regretting what I just did. It's know it's all my fault anyways that he left. I should have just left when I first thought of it. I should of stopped him before he went too far. I should go after him. It's all my fault. I turn my head towards the direction that he headed, and I find myself trembling. I want to give chase, I really do. It's just that I don't think this is the right time or not. Then again I never honestly know when the right time is.

My heart aches and I'm not sure if it's for him or somebody else or even just for me. I'm so conflicted right now. It just seems like the night will never end. After all I just let the man I love fall out of line, and all I can do is smirk. That's all I do here in the snow. It grows into a demented smile, and I get up back on my own two feet. I know what I'm going to do now. If I have to go out with a bang then so be it. I'll go out with a bang, and it'll be the best way to go out. I will know something everyone else doesn't.
It's all my fucking fault

I turn and head inside. That grin still on my face. His blood-stained shirts still on the floor. The glass jars sitting right where we left them. I pick one up and I chuck it at a wall. It breaks into tons of little shards. Sending the jam everywhere. I begin to smile even more so then before. It's hilarious to me. I was that jar. The jar that shattered, but now I'm the one shattering it. That jar is Devroux, and I'm hurting him. Breaking his heart into pieces. Pieces that can hurt me sooner or later. Pieces that have already taken affect and done their worst.

My eyes feel like their as wide as can be, and I take another jar and aim for the same spot on the wall. Instead I'm off by a couple of feet. I don't understand what happened. Every is just so blurry. It's hard to see, and my smile has faded and melted away. Melted like snow. My fists clench and unclench. I find that my teeth are grinding against each other. The voices in my head tell me it's all my fault. Only this time images accompany these voices. The voices that come from my past family and friend. A couple of times I head the Auksas' voices mixed it. Every voice telling me that it's all my fault. Eventually I fall into their trap, because in reality... It is all my fault. I'm not sure what I want to do. I want to cry, yet I also know that I want to destroy things. I want to get rid of these voices in my head.
I want to get rid of myself. Everything that is and was me.

I just don't want it to be my fault. I can't take the blame alone. I just can't. I know that if it is. I will be punished. Punished more so then I already have. I just simply want to die. I want to die so everything will leave me alone. I doubt after death, I will ever have that though. My eyes close if for a brief moment, and time freezes. My hands go up, and the wind pushes me over. Right on top of the shards of glass. Several enter my body. My eyes jerk open and I yell, and yell to the best of my ability. Crows caw and fly past the cabin. I take one hand and push myself off of the shards. Sending a couple into my hands. The blood staining the ground is red. Red like anger. Everything my sight turns red. Everything blurs together in
one single moment.

I grab objects that I can get my hands on and start flinging them around. Tossing things, watching them break. More glass jars hit the walls. A chair smashed against the floor. Everything must be destroyed. Everything must disappear in one way or another. Time will no longer stand still. It must bring me to death. It WILL bring me to death, or I WILL kill myself. I bite my lip, and pause for a moment. Looking around rapidly for anything light enough for me to smash around. That's when I see it. An ax hanging on the wall right next to the door.
My natural weapon of choice.

Wood splinters and glass shards. That's all that I want on the floor. Everything should be destroyed. Broken apart and set ablaze. I take one whack at a wall with the ax, and it cuts clean through. I take a look at the ax only to see it has been recently sharpened. Another whack takes out the door frame. It's so much easier. The callouses on my hands reopening. It's worth it. Everything I'm doing here is worth it. The blood and tears. The hopeless smiles. The destroyed moments. Moments that will no longer bring joy to me or him. Moments where everything could have gone so much better. Moments where I'm shaking so badly. Moments where nothing is wrong, and everything is right.
Everything will return to the way it was.

The entire place is a fucking mess, and that's the way I wanted it. I wanted it to be unrecognizable, and now it is. The memories of this place will burn. They will burn about as brightly as the sun. Nothing will be able to be found. Nothing will remain. Nobody will ever know that is was me who destroyed this small little shack. After all it means no significance to me right? Everything just has to happen for a reason, right? My hands release their death grip on the ax. It crashes into the wooden floors. Just barely missing my feet.

Somberly I move over to the mantle place, and remove the matches from their spot. I light one, and toss it into one of the corners. I light the next and toss it into the next corner. After that corner I do the same to the other two. No emotions remain on my face, and everything is perfect. The fires ignite and burn the wood, glass, and syrup in it's path. My eyes ignite with the flames. Warming my soul, and leaving my expression with a mysterious intent. Each flame in itself slowly inching closer to me. I know that I breathe my last breaths of life as I leave this place. As I leave it I will go no faster then when I entered. Taking everything one baby step at a time. This place will burn with the memory of Felix Trusdale.
And a smile will forever grace my lips as I leave this place, this world.

When I'm finally outside, I'm a bit upset and a bit happy to find that no burns were to be found on my body. Only scratches from the glass shards, and possibly a couple splinters from the wood. However those are minimal injuries, and will not kill me. The smell of burning wood in the fresh cold winter air. That's when I realize that I'm trembling. My hands don't stop, and it's hard for me to swallow. I look up at the shack only to see the smoke rising, not just from the chimney, but from everywhere. The fire has grown and engulfed it entirely. The red fire flickers and moves around like a body, similar to a human.
I take a gulp, and realize that there's one thing that I wanted more than anything out of there.

I start running towards the fire and flames. I don't want it to burn. I seriously don't. I don't want it to be destroyed. I finally reach the door, only to find it no longer attached to the hinges. It's actually fallen off, and it's only a door of flames now. I close my eyes and run into the heart of the fire. My eyes are darting from side to side, and I can't see it. The smoke fills my lungs, and burns my eyes. The tears fall from my eyes. I don't want it to end like this. My bottom lip trembles, and I'm now on my hands and knees looking for it. Pushing glass and wood shards into the fire. Once I see it I hear the shack creek, and moan. I yank and yank, but it's caught on something. The flames move closer to me and I feel the heat through my clothes.

At last when I pull the it free I end up tumbling partially into the fire that I have created. The chaotic death that is for Felix Trusdale. I move quick enough, and being patting the parts of my clothing which are on fire. My sight is horrible, and blurry. The tears making it worse. I whimper, and whine. I never wanted this. I want to get out. I don't want to die this fiery death fate has planned for me. It's only briefly when I look up at the door do I see something that sparks my interest.

The girl who lead me here. The girl who took the man away from me. The girl I saw in my dreams. She's standing at the door. Her figure and body consisting only of shades and shadows of black and white. Her cat is curled up in her arms. She's looking at me, and then I see something that inspires me to get up. It's him or at least I think it's him. I see a figure running towards the shack. I move forward to the door. The girl keeping here eyes on me. I take another step, and another. The tears tracing down my face. The fire has taken a hold of my shirt. It's been burning me for a while now. All I do is take off my own shirt, and continue walking. Letting the flames take it instead. It seems to be pleased.
For the next thing I know is that I'm free.

Outside of the fire. Outside of the grips of death, I'm free. I'm still alive, and safe. I smile, and briefly laugh. The laughing irritates my lungs, and I begin coughing instead. I find that I can't breathe. I don't want to die. I really don't. I progress a bit further on my own feet, and I collapse. I'm far enough away from the fire, or at least I hope. Tears still line my eyes. I let them loose of my own free will now. I have what I went in there for. I turn myself over, and end up looking up at the sky transforming. The snow is still falling, but the clouds are beginning to break. Sun is beginning to rise.
I'm alive for another day.

Need, the word to describe a necessity. I need him in this moment here. He is what holds me together. My trembling hands bring the object I went in there for up to my face, and I close my eyes. I inhale the foresty scent of him to the best of my abilities. It's his shirt. It's really his shirt, and not some dumb table cloth or whatever. It's an article of his clothing. I hug his shirt, and I hug myself. Thank god, I am alive. I believe he will come back to me in time. I know it, but for now I need my rest. I can't stay away any longer. My eyes open and close. The blackened smoke is still rising in the air. Into the wide open atmosphere. A slight smile graces my lips, and a chuckle to my lungs. I can't stop it, and I let it out. I close my eyes and let the darkness embrace me. Waiting for something spectacular to happen.
Waiting for him to come back to me.
[[No, Felix is not dead.... >.> <.< >.> Is he over-dramatic in this post? Yes, I think so. 2178 for words... Wow Felix...]]
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Last Edit: Apr 25, 2012 0:43:19 GMT -5 by NoireRose

semper
Retired Staff

2,354 POSTS
last seen Jan 1, 2014 0:57:11 GMT -5

snow + maple syrup [Roseh] May 1, 2012 20:04:10 GMT -5

Post by semper on May 1, 2012 20:04:10 GMT -5

I don’t know what to do; I have nowhere to go and no one to go to. I feel alone – completely and utterly alone. People aren’t kidding when they say that the greatest thing is to love and be loved. I know what love feels and looks like, and to have all that slapped in your face like some joke… it destroys you. It tears you apart from the inside out and leaves you like a shell. That empty feeling you get from devastating events? That’s what loneliness does to you. Completely guts you and just abandons you.

To be honest, that’s what I’m beginning to feel like: abandoned. I’ve never seen Felix act this way before, and it worries me. What if the Capitol is somehow controlling him? No, that can’t be; he hasn’t been to the Capitol, I don’t think. He’s been in District One for all his Avox years.

So then what would make him act like this?

Felix has hollowed me out. With him chasing me away, he’s torn out my heart. There’s a nagging pressure-like pain in my chest that overpowers the numbness that’s creeping into my bones. It’s all I can focus on. Felix had changed my life and given me hope. Maybe an Avox could live a normal life; maybe an Avox could fall in love; maybe someone would accept me for who I’ve been forced to become. Felix accepts me – or rather, accepted me. I didn’t have to fear him acting superior to me or anything. I could talk to him without uttering a single word. He kept my small flame of hope alive, but he smothered it out just as quick. Er, no…

There’s something on the cold air. I pause and smell the air. Smoke. At first I think that someone could be nearby and just burning a fire, but no, this is much stronger. The smoke is burning my eyes and I can see black ash falling all around me, peppering the deep white snow on the ground. No, this fire is much closer and much bigger. My eyes scan the forest around me, and then toward where I had just come from – and my heart stops.

The cabin is completely engulfed in fire, the flames leaping up high into the sky and lighting up the dawn sky. I don’t care about the cabin, or the woods, or even the fire – all I can think about is Felix.

Though my feet are numb, I force myself to bolt straight back for the cabin, panic overwhelming me. My whole body is shaking with fear as I come to a stop beside the cabin, the intense heat burning my skin. Where is he? Where is he?! My gaze darts around frantically, and then I see him lying on the snow, clutching something to his chest. Rushing over, I drop to my knees beside him. He doesn’t seemed burned, and there’s… there’s even a smile on his face, but that doesn’t matter at this point. The fire’s still growing and Felix is still lying close to the flames. I gently put my arms underneath him and lift him up, carrying him just far enough away from the fire for us both to be safe.

My hands are shaking so bad and my fingers are so numb that when I try to check his pulse, I can’t find one. A worried whimper escapes me and I nudge him, but there’s no response. I put my face down by his mouth and nose, but against my frozen skin, I can’t feel anything. Terror begins to set in. I pull Felix’s torso up and cradle him against my bare chest, whimpering in a pleading way and feeling hot tears starting to sting my eyes.

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