snow + maple syrup [Roseh]

Dammit, I should've crouched on a rock or something. Just standing here was killing my feet. I shifted my weight, lifting a foot and rolling my foot in circles, hearing my ankle crack. A sharp sting of pain, but it felt better soon after. I did the same with the other foot, cracking the ankle a few times before setting it back down. There was nothing I could do about the could, though, obviously. Luckily there wasn't any wind, but it was still freezing. I crossed my arms across my chest, sticking my hands up under my armpits to keep them warm. Snow was melting on my hair, little droplets of arctic water sliding down my face. At the first feeling of the shocking cold drops, I rubbed the side of my face on my wet shoulder; not much of an accomplishment, but it got the water off.

And that's when I saw him. Felix. He was coming toward me with a bundle of clothes, I think. A smile came to my face. Not only would I be able to see my only Avox friend, but I'd be able to be warm, too. I headed closer to the fence, being sure to stay away from it, my eyes watching him. But then he fell, and the smile on my face faded. I waited for him to get up, but he didn't. My Ripred, had he hit his head on a rock when he fell? Maybe he twisted his ankle badly. Either way, I needed to get over there. I let out a concerned whimper, brows furrowing in worry.

Looking to either side of me, I saw one large tree that had a branch sticking out over the fence to the other side. That was my pathway to Felix. Without a second thought I went over, taking my hands out of the sleeves and grabbing onto the branches, hauling myself up into the tree. My hands were becoming slick with the snow on the limbs, but that wasn't stopping me. I only held on tighter, climbing higher and higher until I reached the limb I needed. I hadn't realized how high up I actually was until I looked down, and my stomach dropped. 'Oh shit.' Surely I was going to break a foot or leg with the drop, and living out in the woods, a broken leg or foot could mean death. Did I really want to risk that? Just for Felix? I paused. How could I even think that?! Felix is my friend, and quite possibly the only one in the whole of Panem who understands me. Of course I was going to risk my safety for him! Setting my jaw, I crossed my legs underneath the branch and slid so that I was hanging from it, and slowly began to inch my way over and across, heart racing with the fear that the limb would give at any moment. 'Go, go, go, go, GO!' Once I was over, I was about to let go when I heard a heart-stopping "snap." My brain hadn't registered what had happened, but my stomach did, churning and dropping as I slowly came to realize that I was falling. That realization only happened a split second before I hit the ground, hard, on my side.

All I knew was that I was dazed and horribly confused. The ground was cold the side of my face was wet, my side, shoulder, and arm throbbing. I shook my head and blinked, clearing my thoughts, and hoisted myself up, bending my arm to make sure it was alright, which it was. No need to further check myself, so I focused all my attention on Felix.

Scrambling over, I knelt down by him, whimpering. He was conscious, that I was sure of, and he was going to freeze to death if he didn't get up out of the snow. I reached out and gently put my hands underneath him and pulled him up into a hug, trying to get him warm by sharing my body heat.

My side is throbbing from where I hit the ground and I'm sure there'll be one hell of a bruise, but right now I don't care. Poor Felix... you know, he's my only Avox friend. I don't know anyone else who's an Avox. And even if I did, none of us really stick around to make friends. But Felix is different. He's my age and he's been to Hell and back, much like the rest of us. I don't know what it is about him, but I just find myself constantly wanting to be with him. Maybe it's because I finally have someone who can understand me more than normal people. Felix knows the daily struggles I go through and vice versa. We understand each other for the most part. Sure, he lives in a house and is forced to serve a family, not be at the mercy of Mother Nature every day, but that doesn’t make me think any less of him. He has his hardships and burdens, too. None of us Avoxes ever have it easy. We’re the bottom of the totem pole, the dirt on the bottom of a shoe. We get shoved around without a second thought. We’re nobodys. But among other Avoxes, it’s almost like a silent brotherhood. We understand one another; we know how to read eyes and body language like a book – well, metaphorically speaking. Reading is a hard skill to come across nowadays. Anyway, I guess what I’m trying to get at is that you don’t need words to be able to understand someone.

When Felix looks up at me, I look into his grey eyes. They say that the eyes are the window to a person’s soul, and in that moment I understand why. Everything was reflecting in Felix’s eyes: his desires, his dislikes, his sadness, everything. I found that my breath was caught in my throat as I realized what all was going on. Underneath the light in his eyes seemed to be a dark, menacing aura. Death, maybe? Did he want to die? From my previous encounters with him, I knew that he hardly had any happy thoughts. He had killed his mother and his sister had watched it, of course there wasn’t anything joyful in that. But he is alive and has a good family – good for the most part – to serve, and doesn’t have to face the uncertainty of every day like I do. Why does he want to die? I would be devastated if he died… I really would. Felix is my friend, and you’d have to be a heartless bastard to not care if someone close to you passed away. And to be honest, I’ve never really given much thought on death. Frankly, I’m scared of it. Just not knowing what’s on the other side, or what the experience will be like, is a frightening thought. I didn’t want to see Felix go through that either, no matter how much he believes that he deserves it or wants it. I don’t want him to die.

As he presses his head into my shoulder, I hold onto him in a comforting manner, gently rubbing his back. Despite my shivering, I’m going to be here for Felix for as long as he needs me. Feeling utterly alone is one of the worst feelings you can imagine, and not being able to speak is just the arsenic icing on the cake. You can’t talk to people, and even if you could, nobody wants to hear you. They shove you away and give you the cold shoulder, leaving you to wallow in your thoughts and just make the whole situation shittier than it really is. I don’t know if Felix is crying because he feels alone or just utterly terrible, but either way I’m not going to abandon him. Though… maybe the reason I’m already so attached to him is because I feel utterly alone. I’ve been on my own for years now, and no one in my life has ever been constant for more than maybe a month. I can’t ever find people again after they’ve or I’ve left, Colton and Lily being prime examples. The only other constant thing in my life is the Uprising. I don’t have any friends there – hell, Jean shot me just because I missed the training target by a long shot – but they’ve never abandoned me, and I’ll never abandon Felix because I know what it’s like to feel cut off from humanity. I don’t’ want him to have to endure that anymore.

To be honest, I never would have thought that I would feel so comfortable hugging someone like this. Sure, I hugged my family a lot, but it wasn’t because I loved them – don’t get me wrong, I love my family (and it’s quite a sad thought to think that they may very well be dead), but what I’m talking about is a love like when you see someone, get to know their personality and grow to like them. That was what happened with Felix. I like him because we’re similar and we get along. I can’t even begin to describe how excited I was when I first met him, another Avox. Quite frankly I was stoked and wanted nothing more than to just know everything about him, the good, the bad, and the ugly. But what I soon discovered wasn’t as grand as I had imagined (and I mean this in a light way because not a single Avox has ever had a good life): Felix had killed his mother. That’s pretty much the only thing that sets us apart, aside from the fact that he serves a family and I wander the forest. I had a good childhood; good parents, wonderful siblings, and we had fun working in the orchards of District 11. But then my brothers, after watching a particularly brutal Games, decided they would lead a resistance, and being the faithful younger brother, I followed them blindly. My parents didn’t know, and now I somewhat regret this. They probably don’t know where I am or if I’m even alive, and I think about them just the same way. What if they’re dead? Murdered by Peacekeepers? Or what if they’re being detained? What if they’re still alive and well, living back home without me? A knot tightens in my stomach. I didn’t realize how much I miss them… I want to find them again someday. If only they knew the hell I’ve been through… And their grandson! Ripred, I need to take Colton to them. They’ll spoil him to death, I know it. Mom and Dad always did have a soft spot for babies and young children. Perhaps they could even teach him to speak, too, since obviously I cannot.

The smile that crosses Felix’s face is truly beautiful. I don’t know if it’s the sun breaking through the snow clouds, but I’d swear that the simple upward movement of the corners of his mouth made his eyes shine with a certain light. There was life in them again. I return his smile with one of my own, glad to see him looking better. Feeling awful and in this freezing cold isn’t a good combination.

Felix places his hand over my heart, gesturing for me to do the same for him. I then set my hand on his warm chest, feeling his heart beating softly underneath my fingers. You never really notice a heart and yet it’s what keeps you alive, tells you when you’re nervous, when you’re in love and when you miss someone. When I feel Felix’s heart beating, I find myself longing to know what he’s feeling. What does he think of me? What does he think about himself other than wanting to die? How does he feel about serving Devyni’s family? How does he feel about Devyni? Of course I can’t ask Felix these things and trying to decode someone’s heart just by its rhythmic beating is an impossible feat, so I stick to just feeling the pulse. Felix is alive, oh so alive. The warmth of his body is enough to warm my entire body up despite the wintry weather, and my smile grows wider. Feeling Felix’s hand over my own heart made me feel very much alive, too. I am here, I am alive, and I am surviving. I also have a new reason to face each and every day: my new best friend Felix. Well, I don’t know if he considers me to be a friend, but in my eyes, Felix is someone I know I can come and talk – er, write – to whenever I feel like giving in, and I want him to know that he can vent to me whenever he feels the need to.

Well, no use staying on the ground and continue to get soaked. I give his chest a light pat and then stand up, quickly realizing that my right leg is asleep. I twist and roll my ankle until the feeling comes back, which doesn’t take very long. At the same time I extend a hand out to Felix, offering to help him up. We need to get somewhere warm because I’m damn near froze to death and Felix was on his way there, without a doubt, so I want to do something about that and keep either of us from freezing.

The eyes of a human being are something to behold. They’re the “windows to the soul,” as many say. In them, you can see all sorts of emotions reflecting: pain, joy, sorrow, fear, all of it. Even when you have a smile on your face to hide pain, your eyes are what give you away. If you know someone really well, all you have to do is read their eyes to know exactly what’s going on. Eyes don’t fool anyone, and no matter how hard you try, you can’t hide what they show.

So when I look into Felix’s eyes, I see everything; the inner turmoil he’s going through. His irises are a grey-blue – really a beautiful color – and even though he’s in pain, the way it reflects on his eyes is a wonder to behold. A beautiful disaster. I feel bad for thinking this, but I can’t help it. But it makes me wonder – if his eyes are this elegant when he’s in this state, how radiant will they be when he’s happy? I try to envision them all lit up at the sight of something wonderful, but I can’t. Every time I’ve seen Felix, he’s always been bothered by something that I can’t help with; like there’s a thorn in his side hidden by his shirt and no one knows. This thought of him never smiling spurs me into action. I want to make him happy – and get that thorn out of his side. I want to see the corners of his mouth turn upward into a genuine smile and see the same joy mirror in his slate blue eyes. I want to hear him laugh and me be the cause of it; I want to see him dance for joy; I want to see him so overjoyed that he has to scream to release some of it before he explodes from happiness.

He reaches up and takes my hand to pull himself up, so I help him to his feet. He doesn’t let go of my hand, though. You would think that holding hands with another guy is weird, but it’s not. I can’t explain it; maybe it’s because we’re so similar with our history, or perhaps it’s because we can understand each other without even talking. We can read each other’s eyes, and that’s reading the other’s inner self. We know each other’s deepest, darkest secrets and despite that, we’re still friends. I believe that it goes along the “forgive and forget” motive, kind of. When you’re an Avox, everyone turns their back on you. We’re the “scum” of Panem; the ones who tried to “disturb the peace” and suffered the concequences. And when you’re alone, there’s not a wretched feeling in the world that can compare. You feel cut off – severed from humanity. When people see you as nothing more than the dirt on your shoes, all you want to do is disappear. To die. And I know that that’s what Felix is going through.

But Avoxes are strong. They can take our tongues, but never our identity. Felix and I are here to support each other and give understanding when no one else will. When the world turns its back on you, you turn your back on it and join up with the people that’ve also been shunned. Well, Felix isn’t completely shunned since he has Devyni, but you get my point.

He squeezes my hand and then looks back at me, smiling. His beautiful eyes give him away, though; he still has that thorn in his side. But I won’t bring it up, so I return his smile, hoping he won’t see the concern that I have for him. Felix lets go to collect his things and then our hands join again. He points to somewhere, and it’s then that I notice the little cabin off in the distance, covered with snow. Oh. Quite convenient, actually. The snow and chilly air was starting to get under my skin, so I followed Felix eagerly toward the shelter.

For once, wandering through the woods in the snow doesn't seem life-threatening. I don't have to worry whether or not I'll freeze to death, or if I'm going to get lost, or when I'll see a human being next. It's really nice to be able to set my mind at ease and just be normal for once. I can be myself around Felix. I don't have to keep to myself, or stay silent, or do anything out of the ordinary. I can be myself - I can be Devroux.

Felix suddenly stops and lets go of my hand. I come to a stop and look curiously at him, but he's not looking at me. His eyes are dead-set straight ahead of him. I turn my gaze to where he's looking, but I don't see anything. Snow, trees, the shack, but nothing out of the ordinary. Brows furrowing in confusion, I turned to look back at Felix, reaching out with my hand to lightly touch his shoulder, but he moves before I do anything. Panic - I see panic in his eyes. But over what? What's he scared about? There's nothing out there - what's got him all worried?

And then he's stumbling and falling. Foot caught on a root under the snow, or something, but he's falling. My breath catches in my throat and my hand shoots out toward Felix, but he's gone - like a falling tree, he goes down and is still.

Absolutely still.

I immediately drop down onto my knees beside him, my face twisting into a very concerned look. I nudge his shoulder, whimpering anxiously, but he doesn't reply. He doesn't even move. Oh Ripred... is he paralyzed? I nudge him again, but still no response. More desperate whimpers; I mentally plead for him to answer me, but he doesn't. And that's when I see the red snow beneath his head.

Panic. Pure, freezing, petrifying terror seizes me. I stay frozen, staring wide-eyed at him on the ground, eyes closed and possibly freezing to death.

I don't want to lose him - I can't. If I lose Felix, I lose a part of myself. He's the only one in Panem, and even possibly the world, that understands me. He knows what I've been through and I know what he's been through. Maybe not all of it, but most of it.

I snap out of it and reach down, take his arm across my shoulders and haul him up gently. Shifting his body, I loop one arm around his leg and hold onto his arm for a fireman's carry, as it's called, and I take off as fast as I can to the shack without slipping or tripping.

Using my foot, I kick open the frozen door and rush in, setting Felix down in a cleared spot, but I was sure to keep his head off the ground. Hastily shoving more junk out of the way, I set my shin underneath his neck to keep his head up. I tear off my soaking jacket, set it aside, and then take off my dry shirt, which I wad up and place it gently underneath his wounded head, trying to stop the bleeding.

I reach up to rub my face, and even with my frozen hands, I feel that my cheeks are wet. Pulling my hand away, I examine it as if it's some new part of my body. The tears keep coming. Whether it's from fear or something else, I don't know, but I know I'm in a huge dilemma. I keep my leg underneath his neck for support and my shirt under his head to stop the bleeding, but maybe it's not working. Maybe he's already dead and I'm going to stay in this freezing shack for days upon days and end up dying of thirst because already I refuse to leave him. I don't know my way around this District, and to carry him around could be the death of both of us.

No, I can't risk that. The tears come freely now and I whimper shakily, nudging Felix's shoulder again. Please wake up.... come back, Felix, please... don't leave me... I can't lose my only friend...

To love and lose is perhaps the most horrid feeling in the world. Even the strongest person in the world can be broken down when their closest friend or family member is torn away from them, regardless of the situation. It can reduce the biggest man to tears and bring anyone to their knees. It snaps the human will like a dry twig; steals your voice; destroys your sanity. You feel dead on the inside and hellishly alone in crowded places; become numb to the world. Things you used to enjoy don't please you anymore, so you distance yourself from everything: food, friends, sleep, games, work. They say that the best way to deal with loss is to keep your usual routine, but when you do nearly everything with that person who’s gone, you can’t go on. A part of you gets torn to shreds when they leave and it can never be healed properly no matter how hard you try. Some try to fill it with material things – alcohol, gambling, whoring, drugs – but in the end, they’re still as bad off as they were in the first place, if not worse. You never truly heal after losing someone that means the world to you.

As I look down at Felix’s still face, I can’t help but become terrified of the growing sense of unease. There was a gnawing emptiness in my chest, making it feel constricted every time I breathed. Was Felix dead already? I hadn’t seen him move a muscle since he had fallen. A quiet, pleading whimper escapes me and I curl my fingers into my palm, leaving the pointer one extended. Lowering it to just below my friend’s nose, I try to stay absolutely still and see if I feel his breath on my skin. At first I feel nothing and an icy terror rips through me, but I force myself to calm down, and that’s when I feel the soft pulsing of warm air against my finger. I feel smothered with relief; both of my hands rise up to cover my face and I drag them down across my skin like it will wipe away the fear I feel.

I even feel him shift slightly against my leg, and that brightens my spirits. I’m determined to stay awake until comes around, but as I look outside one of the dingy, murky windows, I see the sunlight fading in the sky and being replaced by darkness and another round of falling snow. Another wave of relief engulfs me. I had managed to get a fire going before tending to Felix, and the flames are still going good. There are plenty of things to burn in this shack, so there’s no need to worry about finding firewood.

Against my bare chest and stomach, the warmth from the fire is heavenly. All the struggles of the day and weariness from traveling have finally caught up with me, making my eyelids feel heavier and heavier. I feel my head drooping, so I snap it back up, but then I just sink back down.

The next thing I know, the fire is down to glowing embers and it’s the only source of light in the shack. I blink many times, straightening my sore back. My eyes turn their gaze to Felix, who doesn’t seem to have moved at all since I had apparently fallen asleep. His face is pale, but not lifeless. The shadows from the fire dances across his face and give it a soft glow – mesmerizing. I can’t bring myself to look away; my fingers softly trace the curves of his face, his skin feeling as smooth as marble but with the soft tenderness of human skin and flesh. There’s warmth in his cheeks not from the fire, and it brings the ghost of a smile to my face. He may be alive, but we are not out of the woods yet, both literally and metaphorically. Unconscious, Felix’s face didn’t have the traces of sadness that it did when he’s awake. He looks very young, actually; like no one has ever hurt him. Like large pieces of his heart weren’t missing.

I lean forward and place my forehead against his. To be honest, I don’t know what it is about Felix that draws me to him. He’s the only other Avox I know, and he’s by far the only person who understands what I’ve been through. He’s more than a friend to me and I find myself constantly thinking about him and wanting to be with him.

Before I fully realize what I’m doing, I lift my head up and kiss him gently. Nothing too passionate or rough, but still something meaningful. About halfway through it, I began to realize something: he was kissing me back. My initial response is shock – Felix is awake! – but then I realize that he is kissing me back. Heat flies to my face and I feel ashamed and embarrassed, but I want to keep going. I want to keep touching his face, but I pull back, starting to worry about what Felix might think of me now that he caught me kissing him while he was unconscious. I give him an apologetic whimper, unable to make eye contact with him and feeling my face burn with embarrassment.